Manics and depression.

[Bath]

I just need to vent.

I was put on medication again after being off of it for a year, and it's not helping.

My depressions are so much worse after a manic. I feel so drained. They're so unexpected too, the triggers are so simple and meaningless. I feel so hopeless and I have no one to connect to. I have nobody to vent to. Usually I have someone... but I've given everybody every last drop of energy I have and they're sick of me.

I'm kind of in the middle right now which is rare so I'm taking the time to type this out as unbiased as I can.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared of the present, I don't want to do anything except be on the internet and listen to music, inside my own world. I hate this world.

Everything I find beautiful everyone else finds disturbing.

I hate school.

I'm exhausted from pathetic suicide attempts, suicide idealization, and manic attacks. I almost went into my neighbor's house yesterday to steal their alcohol. I felt so out of control. I always do.

I'm so stuck.

[Mortal Coil]

I'm not quite sure how to make this as sincere and comforting as possible, but here goes.
i'm terrified of the future, and hate the thought of any aspect of school. those things are ok, believe me tons of people feel the same way. A lot of the things you've been going through have been happening to me too, and it's terrible. i'm glad you managed to vent, even if it's just to crazy strangers on the internet.
what you're going through is awful and unfair, but i do believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger in the long run, and i know you're scared but your future has so much more potential than, say, mine, or that of someone who hasn't been through this. keep fighting.

aldo, what kind of things do you find beautiful?

[Bath]

Thank you a lot. <3

I find weird things beautiful... cuts, suicide, morbid things like that. I have a weird fashion sense and like dark shirts and leggings but I dye my hair colorful colors and like colorful jewelry and idk it looks like a weird mixture to other people but it's pretty to me. I collect dead things, small dead things, like lizards, butterflies, etc. My mom made me throw my old ones away but I keep the new ones underneath my bed. I don't kill them, I could never even kill a bug but idk I like keeping them, it sounds so weird typing it out.

My cutting is a bigger problem recently because my therapist found out that I cut even when I'm happy just because I like the look/feel of it.

I know most things like how I feel about school, my life, and myself I'm not alone in... but other things I feel so absolutely strange and it's a bittersweet thing.

[Mortal Coil]

Depression cure:

Do take deep breath in fresh air,
Take multivitamin regularly,
Share your problems with your family,
Drink 2/3 glass of water,
Avoid alcohol, caffeine and other stimulants....

I can promise that doesn't work, either because some parts of it are impossible or because... you really don't understand it, Hieronym, but your heart was in the right place.

I like the same kinds of things you do: cuts and blood, corpses and other things that are considered "creepy." I don't dye my hair, but that's the survival instinct that ironically remains in me despite my suicide attempts: if I dye my hair my parents will kill me.