acryforhelp
February 3rd, 2012, 03:15 PM
2/3/12
I would like to know. When does the self harm become enough....enough that you want to stop? I keep thinking that if I just make that one more cut then Ill be good. Then I'll be happy. Then I'll have all the relief...but it doesnt seem to work that way. The pain comes back and brings with it feelings of regret, shame, and lies. I feel like I am living a double life. On one hand everything is fine and dandy but on the other my world is caving in. I dont know what to do any more. I dont know what help I want or need. I dont know how to ask for the help because I am so unsure of what I want or need. I want to believe for myself that its going to be okay.....but how can I tell myself its going to be okay when I keep cutting on myself. That tells me that things are NOT okay. The fact that its not just a cut here or there.....but its several cuts....several times a day which equals up to hundreds of scars across my thighs seems to reiterate even more that things are not "okay". I want to know how to change that. I mean I know I have to decide for myself that I want this. And I do want it. I want to live out my freedom rather than live in bondage of this monster called cutting. I don’t want to die. I want to be free of these all-consuming suicidal thoughts. But I feel so lost. And I keep giving in. Which takes me further and further back. I keep wondering about the summer….what am I going to do then??? What am I going to do when the problem arises of wearing shorts…or even worse a swimsuit. No one has any idea what my legs look like. And neither of those things are going to be an option, especially the way I am going. From my hips to my knees my skin is covered with scar after scar….when I say that I am running out of room…I am not joking. So where do I turn to next. My arms are going to be one day covered if I can’t break free from this monster. I want my freedom back. I want the Alleah I used to know back. Because she is gone and I don’t know where she has disappeared to. This isn’t her. The cutting, the impulses they aren’t her. I know something is changing and I am hoping its for the better. Everytime I think about cutting I get sick to my stomache. I almost wish the feeling were stronger though because it wasn’t strong enough to keep me from giving in. And now I am angry at myself, but that anger doesn’t do me any good…. because I sit here beating myself up which in the end only makes me want to destroy myself even more. Why such the strong desire to destroy myself or disappear. That I don’t understand. Its like I am stuck in this cycle of self sabotaging. I want out. I want off that train. I want my freedom back.
I would like to know. When does the self harm become enough....enough that you want to stop? I keep thinking that if I just make that one more cut then Ill be good. Then I'll be happy. Then I'll have all the relief...but it doesnt seem to work that way. The pain comes back and brings with it feelings of regret, shame, and lies. I feel like I am living a double life. On one hand everything is fine and dandy but on the other my world is caving in. I dont know what to do any more. I dont know what help I want or need. I dont know how to ask for the help because I am so unsure of what I want or need. I want to believe for myself that its going to be okay.....but how can I tell myself its going to be okay when I keep cutting on myself. That tells me that things are NOT okay. The fact that its not just a cut here or there.....but its several cuts....several times a day which equals up to hundreds of scars across my thighs seems to reiterate even more that things are not "okay". I want to know how to change that. I mean I know I have to decide for myself that I want this. And I do want it. I want to live out my freedom rather than live in bondage of this monster called cutting. I don’t want to die. I want to be free of these all-consuming suicidal thoughts. But I feel so lost. And I keep giving in. Which takes me further and further back. I keep wondering about the summer….what am I going to do then??? What am I going to do when the problem arises of wearing shorts…or even worse a swimsuit. No one has any idea what my legs look like. And neither of those things are going to be an option, especially the way I am going. From my hips to my knees my skin is covered with scar after scar….when I say that I am running out of room…I am not joking. So where do I turn to next. My arms are going to be one day covered if I can’t break free from this monster. I want my freedom back. I want the Alleah I used to know back. Because she is gone and I don’t know where she has disappeared to. This isn’t her. The cutting, the impulses they aren’t her. I know something is changing and I am hoping its for the better. Everytime I think about cutting I get sick to my stomache. I almost wish the feeling were stronger though because it wasn’t strong enough to keep me from giving in. And now I am angry at myself, but that anger doesn’t do me any good…. because I sit here beating myself up which in the end only makes me want to destroy myself even more. Why such the strong desire to destroy myself or disappear. That I don’t understand. Its like I am stuck in this cycle of self sabotaging. I want out. I want off that train. I want my freedom back.