HeartCoreHannah
February 2nd, 2012, 02:59 PM
It’s past 6:30am and the sun is up. I am yet to fall asleep, too caught up in my own thoughts to find any kind of rest or relaxation. Granted, I overslept yesterday and didn’t have high hopes for many hours tonight but wouldn’t have minded if I was lying here empty-headed. Instead, my mind is speeding through images and prospects that it shouldn’t imagine. Too many what ifs and unsure conclusions that twist my thoughts into mist and clouds, blocking any vision of the truth and trapping me into the darkness and confusion that is my pathetic existence. Sometimes I welcome the feeling of isolation, living without being forced to conform to whatever society deems respectable or normal for a mere moment. Usually it’s easy to be alone, but not tonight. Tonight I want to be surrounded by people and I want to believe they care about me and even if I never believe them, at least they’ll be there and that might be enough. I came to the well-thought-out conclusion a few months ago that I can handle loss. I have learned that it’s best not to depend on anyone but on the occasion that I let my guard down, I am never so misguided or naive enough to believe that person will always be around. Sometimes people leave you, sometimes you leave them, sometimes a few years down the track you both wonder what happened to the other and sometimes you are less than a memory. My tired eyes have so often seen distance created between friendships and relationships. The reality is that life’s edges can be rough. I am rough around the edges, too. I never feel I’m quite enough, but that’s mapped out for everyone to see. No point keeping walls up because they get broken down and I’ve tried picking up those pieces in the past and I’ve realized it’s simply not worth the long days and long nights fighting with your own mess and it’s easiest to just to accept the fact that everything can change and you can’t force it to go back. If my knees go weak and I buckle down, remember I’m no ones responsibility and I’ll pick myself up and move on. It’s tragic for some, but life really does go on. I am nothing like a china doll; I am not precious nor rare, I do not belong to someone, I am not in perfect condition and I am not fragile. I will not break if I’m not looked after; I will not fall to pieces, not shatter if you leave me. I am strong, much stronger than anyone would dare to believe. I have no distant lights that never fade, no shadows always there. So sometimes it’s comforting to be around people even if you’re perfectly conscious that your presence is an insignificant and fading memory.