Last Resort

[Mortal Coil]

I’m seriously thinking about killing myself now.
When I was 5, my mom became an alcoholic. She never beat me, but she would say the most awful things to me and my brother, and to a 5 year old kid that’s pretty devastating. By the time I was ten, I was cutting to get rid of the pain of living with her. When I was 11, I was raped. My parents partially found out and accused me of being promiscuous and a whore.

I have since become addicted to cutting. A few days ago, I was raped again. I have never been in a real relationship, and it’s like I’m not worth loving, nobody even cares about my personality enough to get my consent before fucking me. My parents don’t know I was raped either time (they still think the first one was consensual) and I’m terrified of telling them anything. If I go to a school counselor, they'll tell my parents. I don’t have any friends, and this morning when I woke up for school all I wanted to do was curl up on the floor and cry. Not cut. Not kill myself. Just cry.

All I’ve ever done is bring people pain. I brought my parents pain when I was born and as I was growing up because kids are so expensive to raise. I bring my brother pain because I don’t protect him from my parents. I bring my teachers pain because I’m doing badly in their classes, and I will never stop hurting people. I don’t try to, but if nobody loves me and I only bring pain into the world, wouldn’t it be better if I just… left?

[Borxar]

You are loved Alex. You are not causing pain to those people either and I'm very sorry your family situation is not going well. I never could understand why a parent could be bad to their children :/ It seems like you're in a horrible area as well and it is so bad that people are abusing you in that way. But you are still precious and valuable and you need to perceive yourself as such and not let others devalue you. It may be a hard situation at the moment but you will be able to get away from it and do something for yourself and be a real help to others! So life is always worth it!

[Auzzie 94]

I’m seriously thinking about killing myself now.
When I was 5, my mom became an alcoholic. She never beat me, but she would say the most awful things to me and my brother, and to a 5 year old kid that’s pretty devastating. By the time I was ten, I was cutting to get rid of the pain of living with her. When I was 11, I was raped. My parents partially found out and accused me of being promiscuous and a whore.

I have since become addicted to cutting. A few days ago, I was raped again. I have never been in a real relationship, and it’s like I’m not worth loving, nobody even cares about my personality enough to get my consent before fucking me. My parents don’t know I was raped either time (they still think the first one was consensual) and I’m terrified of telling them anything. If I go to a school counselor, they'll tell my parents. I don’t have any friends, and this morning when I woke up for school all I wanted to do was curl up on the floor and cry. Not cut. Not kill myself. Just cry.

All I’ve ever done is bring people pain. I brought my parents pain when I was born and as I was growing up because kids are so expensive to raise. I bring my brother pain because I don’t protect him from my parents. I bring my teachers pain because I’m doing badly in their classes, and I will never stop hurting people. I don’t try to, but if nobody loves me and I only bring pain into the world, wouldn’t it be better if I just… left?

Wow, this actually brought a tear to my eye.... :( please do not kill yourself, killing yourself means the world and all the fucked up shit in the world has won the battle and defeated you. Live your life till the end so you can say that you beat life and survived! You must have had a traumatizing life and i'm sorry to hear that. I had an Aunty who was an alcoholic she beat one of my cousins (her youngest son who was 4 at the time) and she left my Uncle with 6 kids to raise and never payed child support, she won the lottery ($250, 000) and gave none to her kids or to my Uncle. Now one of my cousins lives on the streets and last we heard from him was 4 years ago, he would be 20 now, he was a meth addict before he left home and decided to live on the streets. Life throws so much shit at you and it's not fair at all, you just have to prevail and beat it.

As for being raped, I had a few friends who were abused by male family members when they were young and recently my brothers friend was snatched and raped in some tunnels in a park near our house. The guy was never caught and it was all over the news here in Sydney. She stopped going to school and seeing her friends, my brother made the effort to go over there are try to give her some company and he is the only one she will talk to. I think he is the only male in her life that she trusts. It's sad how any human being can abuse someone like that... make's me sick to know that I am human. You will find someone who loves you. You seem like a lovely girl, and I really really really can't wait for the day you get swept of your feet by your Mr. Right! Your story has touched me, i'm pretty teary at the moment :\


"A few days ago, I was raped again. I have never been in a real relationship, and it’s like I’m not worth loving, nobody even cares about my personality enough to get my consent before fucking me."

EVERYONE IS WORTH LOVING, AND THERE ARE SOME GUYS OUT THERE WHO DO CARE ABOUT PERSONALITY AND WON'T JUST FUCK YOU AND LEAVE YOU! AND THERE ARE DEFINITELY GUYS WHO WILL CARE ABOUT YOU AND WAIT FOR YOU TO BE READY AND GIVE CONSENT BEFORE ENGAGING IN ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH YOU! Your parents who think you are "promiscuous" haven't helped your situation at all... It's around 2AM and I am literally crying.... I wish I could do something to help.. but it's impossible for me to help :\

Listen to me Alex, one day you will find a guy who will care for you, love you, cherish you and protect you against any and all harm. I can't wait till I find the right girl I can love and protect and cherish for the rest of my life until I die! Problem is, i'm too scared to fall in love again, and I avoid trying to fall in love by having sex... I have 8 regularly sexual partners and I have just been trying to avoid meeting new people incase I fall inlove again and get my heart shattered like I did last year. Last year I caught my girlfriend of 9 months cheating on me with a guy I went to school with.... it was heartbreaking, my heart ached in the pit of my stomach I felt physically sick and nauseous. As soon as I walked in on them at her house she dumped me. I cried myself to sleep for a while... almost a month I believe... The only way I could get her out of my head was when I was having sex and I thought sleeping around would solve my problems sort of.... that's why I believe I have so many sexual partners... I'm just to scared to fall inlove again so I just have regular casual sex.... I did everything for that girl, I believed she was the one, I treated her like an angel, loved her with all my heart, too bad she didn't feel the same at all.

[Jackymonsta]

Omg!! Just tell the school counselor about your parents or run away that's what I would do.

[Magenta]

or run away that's what I would do.

Absolutely do not do this. What does running away get you? You won't have shelter, or money, or a way to eat and if you do find any of these things, they'll only last for so long and you'll be living day to day worse than what's going on now. A friend of mine lived on the streets when she was 17 and it was torture for her. It does not solve anything.

Alex, killing yourself also does not solve anything. It ends every other possibility for your life. The bad does happen and sometimes it happens a lot but I'm a believer of equal balance. For everything bad, there is good. Sometimes it's not apparent or sometimes it takes longer to find but it is there and it will happen to you.

You do not bring only pain into the world. It is not your fault that children are expensive to raise. That is a parent's responsibility, not yours. It is not your fault your mother is an alcoholic or treated you or your brother badly. Those were her choices, her actions and they negatively affected you and who would blame you if you didn't know how to cope with it? It's okay that you're not doing well in classes. Depression and trauma take a lot out of you and sometimes school slips to the bottom of your priorities when you're just trying to survive. Grades can be made up. Classes can be repeated. Your life cannot be replaced.

I know you don't want your parents to know but you need to tell someone, love. It's not going to do you any good to keep everything to yourself. Asking for help shows so much strength. To reach out and take a blind leap of faith that someone can take your hand and not abuse your trust after what other people have done to you? That is tremendously difficult but it gets you so far. There are people who want to help you through this and what may come after with your parents.

You're stuck in a dark hole right now, I understand that, but once you're back on the path, there is light even over the bumps in that path.

No matter what people have done to you in the past, it is not your fault and does not change you as a person. You're a teenage girl who is just starting to live and has so much she can give when the rough patches have been tackled and overcome. No one can take that potential away from you, ever.

Stay strong, love, and PM me if you ever need anything, okay? :hug:

[northskater110]

Keep your head up, and go talk to somebody about being raped. That cannot happen, and somebody needs to hear about this and that person needs to be thrown in prison. You are worth something, don't you dare second guess yourself of that. If you were to do anything drastic, what would your brother think? He needs you, and you need him. Keep going on through life, and don't keep those emotions inside of you, express them. PM me if you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I will always be here for you, as will everyone here on this glorious site. We have all gone through some horrid times, but with the support of one another, we have always overcome. So take advantage of my offer, and the offers of others.
:hug:

[Mortal Coil]

Thank you guys so much for all your support. I'm not quite happy now, but I'm also not suicidal anymore and haven't cut myself since before I was raped last week.

[monkeydo]

I know I'm a bit late in replying here but only seen your post now. Just want to add to what all the other replies have said, just to let you know that there are people who care more than you know, even if we've never met. And there is ALWAYS hope!! Don't lose hope ever! I'm also here if you ever need to talk. I haven't been through the same stuff you have, but I was suicidal and suffered from depression for a long time, and I do understand at least some of how you feel. You're worth more than you can imagine and your parents don't deserve to have you if they can't give you the love and support you need! And most importantly, you're not alone!