My eating disorder is going to ruin my relationship.

[screamtobeheard]

I've been doing well. I want to kill myself most of the time, and I cry whenever I see myself in a mirror. But I'm eating. And that's all that matters, right? He asked me if I wanted to go out to eat for Valentine's day, and I told him we could. Everyone knows that's my way of saying, "yes, but I don't want to be straightforward." And he knows me. But he said, "Well, I don't want to take you somewhere if you're going to feel uncomfortable eating." I will be uncomfortable eating for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean I can't eat. It just means that when I go out, I'll get a salad or something. Eating is something I have to practice. It's important, or I'll never get better.

But no. He said, "I don't want to take you out to eat 'cause I'm not gonna tell you to eat, and I'm not gonna want to eat if you're not eating much either." That's what he said. Why? I feel worthless. I cried. And I will again, when I'm alone again. I want to have a normal date, like normal people. But we can't. Because he doesn't want to take me out. Because of my eating problems. I don't understand. He thinks I'm perfect how I am, but I'm not good enough? I hate myself so much. Why did I do this? Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to be a fuck up and make my relationship worse? I'm trying so hard for him. I'm eating too much and hating myself, and I'm just trying to get better for him, but it's not good enough. Does he know how much this hurts me?

[Abe23]

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship.. But the bottom line is, you need to learn how to value and love yourself in order for you to get through and move on. Having an eating disorder is a battle that you need to face on your own, with the help of your love ones. Having a voluptuous body is better than being skinny and start feeling sick. What matters is that your bf loves you now matter what figure you have..

[Buranri]

If a guy's telling you you're perfect, listen to him. We know what we're talking about.

[Amaryllis]

I'm not gonna lie - when my anorexia ruled my life, I pretty much had -no one-. I'm not even exaggerating, people literally scooted away every time I'd sat next to them, they tripped me, called me names and when I did my daily run-around-the-school-till-I-puke thing, they'd all stare at me, whisper and give me odd looks. Even my friends stopped talking and refused to look at me.

My point is: Make that one of your motivations to recover.

You want your boyfriend, you want friendships and support, you wish for them to have faith in you and trust you. Give them reason to. Recover. Be free. Take it one meal at a time, just take an extra bite. One extra bite each day.

If you count your calories, throw away your calorie counter if you have one or the moment you find yourself adding up food in your head, tell yourself "Okay. I want to be happy. There is so much more I can do with my life." Just keep easing yourself away from those obsessive thoughts. I'm not gonna lie - I went back to calorie counting several times while I was recovering - and I still overeat or undereat at times. But I do it much less now.

I hardly ever think of food - I can actually look at someone and listen to what they're saying, pay attention in class and think of doing other things with my life. Sometimes I think I'm -huge- and all I see is a living flaw, like a crack in an otherwise beautiful world. But there are times when I smile and think "Hey, I'm not so bad. I'm quite pretty and fit."

I know it's hard, Amanda. Just eating around people is difficult but do it anyway. If you're afraid of chocolate cake, eat it. Even if it's just one bite. Write down all your scary foods or "bad" foods, if you will. And arrange them from scariest to least scary. Start from the least scariest food up.

Talk to your boyfriend. A lot of us hardly ever use our voice - so we translate our pain and anxiety into food and weight.

I used to cry everyday even though having a BMI of below 10 meant I was so dehydrated, I couldn't afford to cry. I couldn't scream because singing was all I had. Couldn't type because my eyes were so damaged, I couldn't look at the screen. Couldn't talk to anyone because I had no friends. Couldn't live. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't wake up.

Eating disorders are slow, slow deaths. Not to mention very painful deaths. Sometimes I wish I could take back those years I lost to my eating disorders. The friendships I'd permanently destroyed. Hell, I know probably in a year(hopefully) I'll look back at now and want it back. Because it's still difficult - and I think, ironically, I hide behind my abuse. But it does get better, sweetie.

Sorry for the massive post - again. I just want you to know you're not alone and you never will be. Not as long as I'm alive and have finger mobility! You -can- do this. And you will. It seems like a lot but believe me it isn't. And if this is what it takes to recover, if this is what it takes to save your loved ones, if this is what it takes to be free and happy - it's worth the struggle.

Remember, behind every dark cloud is a silver lining.

[Mortal Coil]

I know that your boyfriend is hurting you when he does this, but he honestly is trying to help you. Try explaining to him what you've said on here. He seems like an incredibly nice guy who genuinely cares about you and wants what's best for you in the long run, even if it means hurting you in the short run. Also, you should be honest with him about how you feel, simply because you're in a relationship.
I'm sorry he hurt you and hope you manage to go out on V-Day, even if the rest of us can't because we're forever alones.

[screamtobeheard]

Abrielle: I really, really wish I could value myself at all, but I just can't. The only reason I'm even trying to get better is for other people.

Alex: Lol I try. It's not that I don't listen. It's that I'm not capable of believing it.

Amaryllis: I love your obnoxiously long posts. I've probably told you this, but I find them very supportive. You're so right about us not using our voices. I think that's the root of all my problems, to be honest. But I've gotten in too deep to just reverse it easily. I'm going to try to take your advice. I know it will be hard. But...this is actually going to be so hard for me to type...I guess...it's better to be healthy than thin. Now just to make myself believe it.

evil.angel: You're right. He just wants what's best for me, and he is. He's a great person and he loves me, and I have no idea why since I'm such a fuck up, but I'm not complaining. I'm going to try to be as honest as I can. It's hard, because I'm not used to expressing how I feel honestly. And lol we're gonna try to do something. I personally dislike the holiday. And you aren't all forever alones! If there's hope for me, there's hope for everyone.

[DirtyDog78]

I'm really sorry about that. First up, you need to do an effort at eating. Try eating goodies like trail mix or little stuff. But don't cry. Be strong! Don't give up yet. Life goes on and we all make mistakes. Your boyfriend is not trying to make you feel bad. He just doesn't want to eat and for you to just be there and not eat anything. If you can't find a solution to your problem, go see your doctor about it. There is still hope.