I can't get help.

[Magenta]

At least, I don't feel like I can. Recently, things have been bad. I've spent more time using my blog than ever because I've not had anywhere else to put a lot of my thoughts. I've spent the last month and a bit wanting to kill myself almost everyday. I've tried again and again recently and never have managed to even get close enough to succeeding. At first, I was upset and angry at myself. The more I tried though, the more numb I got and just stopped.

I've been skipping school a bit lately. I feel like I can't be bothered going. I feel out of place. I can't focus on school work and I just don't enjoy any of it like I used to... I was supposed to have a concert dress rehearsal today but I won't be going. I won't be in the concert either which means my mark will drop. That doesn't bother me as much as the fact I don't want to be in it does. I used to love singing. I used to love being on stage... I've already had to drop my favourite course because of my self-harm. I couldn't do a show in costume with scars all over. So why bother? I'm far from done school. At this point, I may just graduate next year but I'll have to stay another to get even basic university requirements. I screwed up so much for myself last year, being in the hospital twice and all.

Things were getting rather better earlier this week but now little things are setting me off. Small things that should give me even temporary happiness never seem to work out anymore. I guess it was one of my better weeks and now the crash. I wake up now not wanting to go through another day. I don't feel like my life is going anywhere. It's fallen apart too much to put back together. I can't help but feel like some things are just not meant to be fixed. That maybe "my time" is an early one. Possibly the only place I feel even remotely at peace is online here but... I sometimes have to remind myself that this is a website and I still have a life outside of it I need to face even though I really don't want to.

Problem is, I don't know how to go back to getting help. My psychiatrists have put me in the hospital for much less than this. I can't go to my mother and ask her for another appointment. She cornered me not too long ago, calling me psychotic and that she was going to come home one day and find me dead. I can't help but feel if I go to her, it's just confirming what she thought. That I am crazy. Seeing a therapist is hard too because there's a lot of things I've not admit to anyone aside from select friends and a few people here. My eating disorder, if you can call it that, has never been mentioned nor has the fact I've started using over the counter drugs recreationally. I'm scared to admit any of these because professionals will force me to stop. I can't leave everything behind at once. This is who I am. How can I change that? My psychiatrist was throwing around the idea of a dysthymia diagnosis. It's difficult to treat, he told me that. I've stopped taking my medications because I'm not sure how I feel about being on something so desperately.

Anyway, sorry this is long. It's far from everything but it's more than anyone really needs to hear. :P I just don't know, what can I do?

On the bright side, I feel a little better now that I've written this but I'm scared it won't last. Nothing ever lasts.

[InfamousPanda]

i dont even think you like me from the 3 seconds we chatted, but i think if i found out sumhow u died i might cry. Pills and eating disorders aont make up a person they just stop that person from being who they are. Yea, getting off pills is hard i got family expierience with that, but getting off makes u a stronger person. I get if ur being bullied whyd u wanna end shit. People are to mean, cuz its a mean world. they dont know how else to be here. But ppl are nice in here, cuz this site is a nice world. Does that make sense? -_- i think it does if u think about it. Cud u just think about staying?

Theres aways a light in the darkness, even if ur to near sighted to see it. Hard part is getting there.
Much love<3

haaa some typos up there ^^ wat ever im a bad writer
sorry for wasting ur time

Posts merged. Use the edit button next time. - Jo/Magenta

[Magenta]

Eep, why would I not like you? D: You certainly haven't wasted my time, I appreciate your reply.

I want this all to stop, so badly. I want to be able to help people and just keep it at that. I don't want to need to ask for help as well. It makes me a hypocrite. If anything, helping people is the only thing I'm supposedly good at. It's the only thing I can still do anymore. But I don't know for how much longer with all of this.

I have stuck around but why? I can't read, I can't watch television or go online because I come back to reality crying because I don't want to be in this world where people think I'm strange, where people see the scars or hear my voice. I'm too scared to get help because what if it's just the cycle all over again? Depression, help, more depression, help... never really getting better?

I don't know how to ask for help because I feel like I've failed already the first few times. It's more money we don't have. It's more patience no one has for me anymore and more school I can't afford to miss. Even after staying home all day, I realize that. I feel like therapy or professional help may actually be more distracting to me than what's going on now. I don't know how to weigh the pros and cons.

[InfamousPanda]

I cant stop caring wat people think, so theres no way in hell i cud ask that of you. But untill you get help, it be best if u not let them stop u from making decisions. To get the help to acualy help you you need to realy stop and fully give into the profesinals, the ppl tht wanna help. Its impossible for someone else to fix everything in this situation. But they can realy realy realy help you help yourself. I dont think much can be done without realy focusing on helping yourself.
Have to want it more than you want the bad shitt, even tho the bad shit is giving you the temporary happiness. Ittl be hard. Ittl make u stronger if u can get thro it
this is just my thought, but im pretty smart ;)
N ill always talk to u about wat ever. how ever little help itl be.

Muchlove<3

[Magenta]

I wish I could. I wish I didn't over think everything until I don't know what I want. I'm honestly too scared to get better because I won't know the person who comes out of everything. But I don't want this pain anymore. I wrote before... I could die with familiarity or continue living but in fear.

I can't get help because they'll just be dealing with a crazy person. I can't ask my mother because she'll judge me. I'm not the daughter she wanted. I'm just scared of everything including my own shadow now. I need to figure out how to tackle this.

[herpderp44]

I understand some of what you're going through here. Losing interest, hating life, crashes, etc. One thing I did for myself was find one person that I trusted with my life to talk to. I told her almost everything. Though it hasn't solved many problems, it felt great to get it off of my mind. You can even talk to be a bit if you want to. I have a Skype, feel free to add me if you need to talk.

Also, I say you need to find some way to get professional help. I don't know the laws of Toronto, so I don't know if you can get help without a parent setting up an appointment. And I say you should go back to taking your meds, whatever they're for. Part of the problem could be your body needing the meds to continue normal life. Whatever you do, please stay alive. Although we aren't talking to you in person, we all care about you. We're here to get you through this.

[Magenta]

I do have a couple friends to talk to but I know they can't truly help. I know I have to be the one to help myself but I don't know how anymore. I could phone my psychiatrist. I could set the appointment myself but I'm too scared to (plus I'm actually afraid of telephones). I can't go back onto the meds because the pills I've been abusing don't mix and I'll end up poisoning myself. I don't know how to give those up for meds that may not work or may save my life. I keep weighing the options. I also keep thinking that I have a near-full prescription of anti-depressant and all the other pills. I've wondered if I could just take them all at once. I almost have.

You know what I hate? Having to make decisions. I can't make them because I think too much. I'm scared of snapping from trying to figure this all out. How to tell my mum, how to make an appointment, if I should just walk across the street to the hospital ER...

I feel like I'm making excuses. God, how useless is that? I'm sorry, I really do appreciate everyone's replies.

[herpderp44]

Yes, you do have to be the one to help yourself, but it doesn't mean you have to go at it alone. I say you need to call. I know that it's difficult to talk to anyone new about problems you have, but it must be done. You can't wait until it's too late.

As much as I wish I could say to stop abusing pills, I know it's not going to help. Addictions don't stop that easily. I'd say slowly try to get off of the pills. If you take them multiple times a day, increase the time between taking them slightly every day. I can't say whether that's useful or not, as I've never had an addiction like yours.

Again, I'm here for you. We all are. You can add me and talk for hours. It's not like I have a life outside the internet, so I have plenty of time to talk.

[Alexithymia]

Jo. *Big hug* First of all, you are awesome at helping people. Really, really awesome. You've helped me immensely. You've... hell, you've saved my life. But enough about me! I want to help you. I think you're amazing, and I really, really want you to be safe.

First of all, -tell- your therapist -everything-. If you can't, find a new therapist that you can. Who do you find easiest to talk to? If that's not the problem, then maybe you should worry about making sure you're willing to stop. If you do, then you'll be happy. Truly happy. But if you don't, then you have this flimsy, fake happiness.

Secondly, talk to me. Please, please talk to me. I know I can't help, I know that my responses take days sometimes, but just talk to me. It might not help, but at least it will get it off of your mind. It'll take that weight off. You can Skype me anytime you want. <3

Finally, tell your parents. They may not want to hear it at first, but in the end they'll be happy. Sure, they will freak out and worry, but that's part of the recovery. They need to trust you (which will make you happier), and the only way they can do that is if you talk to them. It's gonna be hard, but it'll be worth it in the end.

*Hugs again* You're really an amazing person, Jo.

[Magenta]

Of course now I just went and took 1000mg of ibuprofen all at once. I know it won't do any harm really. I can't help but think about taking more. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to deal with the shit anymore. I'm far too tired nowadays. I do want the help, I guess I do want to stop a lot of the stuff I do and get better, I'm just too tired to try. I don't have the energy to attempt suicide again. I just think about it all the time but can't be bothered to try so I just sit here, numb and stuck in the middle of everything.

Anyway, thanks for all your help. I'm probably just going to go. I guess I'll save asking for help for another day.

[InfamousPanda]

he's right. We arent talking to u in person but w all care about you (: and u can talk to us. Change is scary, but gatta believe that the change will bring somthing better. I believe it will. I stand behind u, they do to? We can talk ur shit thru, every step to getting better. If ud want that.

[northskater110]

Hey there!

I don't really know you, but I'm Grant. Few things. Don't think for a second that suicide is an answer to your problems. You should never even think of resorting to such a drastic and unnecessary measure will ever help solve your problems. I know how much it hurts, I really do. I have often thought about committing suicide myself, but I realized that I didn't want to be remembered as the one that essentially gave up.

Fight, I know it can seem impossible at times, but life is meant to test us, to see who we truly are. Strong are the ones that make it through hardships by themselves, but the strongest allow others to help them make it through those hardships.

If you ever need anything, PM me. I will be here for you.