Hospital.

[Bath]

On the 18th, I told my therapist how I felt about killing myself and how I started cutting again and she admitted me into the hospital to watch over me and make sure I didn't. At first I was happy I was going to get help, but now I'm just depressed that I'm back home and nothing has changed. All the hospital did was make me homesick. I got discharged earlier tonight.

I feel very hopeless and worthless. The main focus while I was there was to help me stop cutting. I smiled and bullshit my way through. I feel like cutting right now and I'm writing this out to try and not... just to try, ya know? I don't usually do that.

I'm scared about the future. I'm scared of growing older. I'm scared that these transitions between euphoric and suicidal and even both at the same time are going to stay... I have very mixed feelings. I'm on medication, therapy, and now even got help at the hospital and I still have these feelings. I feel like a lost cause, a stupid case to work on. I can't stop it. :/

[trooneh]

On the 18th, I told my therapist how I felt about killing myself and how I started cutting again and she admitted me into the hospital to watch over me and make sure I didn't. At first I was happy I was going to get help, but now I'm just depressed that I'm back home and nothing has changed. All the hospital did was make me homesick. I got discharged earlier tonight.

I feel very hopeless and worthless. The main focus while I was there was to help me stop cutting. I smiled and bullshit my way through. I feel like cutting right now and I'm writing this out to try and not... just to try, ya know? I don't usually do that.

I'm scared about the future. I'm scared of growing older. I'm scared that these transitions between euphoric and suicidal and even both at the same time are going to stay... I have very mixed feelings. I'm on medication, therapy, and now even got help at the hospital and I still have these feelings. I feel like a lost cause, a stupid case to work on. I can't stop it. :/

Hey Bethany,

You're not a lost cause at all. When you were in the hospital, were you completely open about your thoughts? It sounds like you were more eager to get home after the beginning, which is understandable, but it is hard for professionals to help if you aren't completely open with them.

You're not hopeless or worthless, it's amazing that you're writing this instead of cutting. That shows a lot of progress and mental fortitude. That's a great sign of progress, isn't it? It shows you really want to get better.

Perhaps your medication isn't the right medication for you. Have you told your doctor about your coinciding thoughts of being euphoric and suicidal? You should consider doing so, because it might be medicinal related.

You can get through this, and again, the fact you wrote this post shows that you have the ability to get better. You are making steps forward, and posting this instead of cutting is one step.

Sean

[Alexithymia]

Hey. I haven't seen you around much (due to myself), but I know you nonetheless! I was at the hospital recently, too. It... it didn't help me at all. I bullshitted my way through it too, and I really didn't get much help at all from it. All it did was keep me safe. So yeah, you going there for cutting was probably pointless.

But what matters is the fact that you don't -want- to cut. That's the first step. That's the hardest step. Next is just getting over the addiction. Talk to your therapist, tell her that you've realized you want to don't want to cut. Get help, and be verbal. That's all that you can do, really. Besides that, it'll take guts.

Add me on Skype, and anytime you want you can talk to me. ^.^