I cant take it

[Iris]

i'm weak I don't know but i can't take this. my boyfriend, the love of my life is in the hospital on suicide watch and i honestly I'm losing it. I can't stop crying and I keep planning my suicide and I don't know why I don't just do it and god I'm crying so much. I'm losing it I can't take this misery anymore I can't tske life destroying everything beautiful and not only that it's my fault. It's my fucking fault everything's a amess. I destroy everything I touch. I'm a monster I hate myself I hate myself i hate myself so goddamn fucking much. He wouldn't be in this situation if not for me. goddamit it's all my fault. If I hadn't entered his life he'd be fine. I destroy everything. i can't stand it. I can;t stand myself. I have to kill myself before I destroy anyone elses life. Fuck. All I ever wanted was to be fucking happy. Fuck fuck fuck. I hate myself. I can't do this anymore. I tried to commit suicide three times, with pills and blades and it didn't work. I have another method that I researched and I can do it, but I just...can't. I don'r know. A part of me wants to keep trying, keep striving for some kind of happiness. It's holding me back. Fuck it. Fuck me. I don't know what to do. Goddamnit. Someone tell me this is going to be ok. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I can't take this anymore

[trooneh]

Hey honey,

Things will be okay. It isn't your fault your boyfriend is on suicide watch. How is it your fault, how is everything your fault? If you destroyed everything, you would have destroyed VT, for example. You have a ton of reasons to live. There is the fact your boyfriend is still alive, and you can be there for each other. You didn't destroy anyone's life.

Are you in danger of committing suicide? If so you should follow instructions (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=89857) in that thread to call a suicide helpline. There are plenty of people that are willing to help, including us. It seems you want to live or you wouldn't be posting here asking for our help. As you said, you don't know what the future will bring, but chances are that it will make you happier. You have the ability to be happy, you just have to realize that potential.

You can do it. I believe in you.

Sean

[StoppingTime]

Sean's exactly right. Don't blame yourself for the mistakes of others, no matter how close you are to them.

Both of you will be OK. He eventually will be discharged, and you two will be together again. You two can help each other through this, I know it.

I really hope you can see that there are so many reasons to live, and when things like this happen in your life, they won't get the best of you.

[Iris]

thanks for your replies.

I'm trying to live for some odd reason. I called the suicide hotline even, which was a disaster as the guy kept threatening to call 911. I'll just go to sleep and hopefully discover I hallucinated everything. Today didn't happen. It couldn't have happened. Fuck. It couldn't have happened.

EDIT: He's out of the hospital and we're both alive and as ok as you can expect given our current situation. Thanks again for your relpies.