Going to be buying a box cutter later.

[blanket]

I've been a cutter for 2 years and a recovering ednos-ic. I've been in the mental hospital twice, once for suicidal ideation and another for a suicide attempt (od). I have two therapists, one an intensive service whom I will be seeing only for a few months or so and a long-term one. I have no door to my room and have to be supervised at all times (meaning never alone in the house). All the sharp objects and pills are under lock and key in a safe in my mother's room. I'm currently taking Zoloft for depression and Abilify for bi-polar disorder.
And even after all this I'm still depressed as all hell. I'm still suicidal. I'm still trying to starve myself. I still wish to die every minute of the day. I'm sick and tired of living and everyone around me. I'm a horrible person who deserves to die. I just wish that everyone I know could see that. I wish they could see the fat, disgustingly terribly person that I truly am. I am a vile waste of space. And I'm planning on killing myself, again. And this time, I swear, I will succeed.

[Magenta]

Hey Sammie.

You know what I think? I don't think you would register on a forum just to tell a bunch of strangers you were going to kill yourself. :hug3: I think you may want support and someone to reach without going the amazingly difficult route of asking for it around you where it feels like no one cares anyway.

People would be devastated if you died. You've been through a lot, it sure sounds like it, but you're still here. You're really strong if you're still coming and talking to us even if you feel like absolute shit right now. The hospital, the therapy, the medication, they're all to help you. I've learned though that the best things in life are not easy to get to but they are worth working for when you're patient.

I don't see a waste of space or a terrible person. I see someone who has had a rough time and has had to come up with some ways of coping that weren't the best decisions (cutting, EDNOS) but those are just actions. They don't define you, neither do the bipolar disorder or depression. Those aren't the full girl. There's another part of a girl in there that no matter how upset still reaches out somehow and has survived and is capable of surviving so much more.

Don't enable yourself to hurt anymore. If you're tired, rest, don't cause yourself more pain. Sometimes we just want to curl up in a ball and never get up again but that's okay as long as you do get back up again later. No one deserves to keep hurting themselves, no matter how little they think of themselves. You'll see that a lot of people here care about you lots. I've met some brilliant people who have been in the same really dark place as you and they are still utterly brilliant people. I have no doubt that under all the pain, you are too.

So reconsider, eh? I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. :hug:

Stay strong.