Fuck life

[Desuetude]

Okay my life might not seem bad but its been going on for 8 years now and i don't know how to cope anymore.

My parents got divorced when i was 6 and i do alternate weeks with them. Lately like in the past few months i have realised that i have no where, i don't fit in anywhere. I feel like i can't relate and don't fit in with my friends at school and it hurts a lot. I can not talk with ANY of my family even if its just about a tiny thing, i end up getting so annoyed with them i feel like i just want to puch and hit them so hard. My dads girlfriend came over yesterday and said to my dad 'wow she has really changed, i didn't know she had turned horrible' at the dinner table i was getting angry at them for not understanding me, i was hurting so much and do you know what they did, they laughed, they give me no privicy, they tell me i need to spend more time with friends and restict the time on my computer as they think i have no social life.

I mean what kind of fucking life is it when you can pack all of the things you need for two weeks into one bag, one fucking bag is all i need and it makes me think that, whats the point, in anything. Im so stressed atm and cant seem to do anything right. I feel like there is no point in my life when nothing i do for either parent is good enough, they wanted someone perfect an instead they got me. I mean i got a load of B's and C's in my last report and they were GCSE grades and im 2 years away from taking them. my dad skiped all that and told me the only 2 D's on my report weren't good enough. i try so hard at school, am in all the top sets and i just get smacked back down and it makes me feel like shit.

I didn't do swimming on friday so i got my dad to write me a note saying i left my PE kit at mums. He then had a go at me that night saying i wasn't getting enough excersize, its the first time i have missed PE in three years. what he doesn't know though is that i did have my swimming kit, the reason that didn't do it was because i had a shit load of cuts up my legs and i didn't think it was nessecary to flaunt them in front of my bully classmates.

I stay in my bedroom straight when i get home from school, all through the weekends, i just cant look at my family, listen to them getting on with their lives when all i can think about is giving up. I cant even put on a fake smile or make out everythings alright, im such a faliure. Im starting to get angry a lot more and at nights just feel on such a low i didn't think it was possibe. ARGH, i just feel like smashing something all the time, when im at school im ok but as soon as i step into either house i just feel like crouching into a corner and making myself as samall as i can get.

I dont know why i dont have the guts to just get out of their lives as i know it will make them happy, they have my sister and she is the one they love, im the one that the abuse gets thrown at.
Im sorry for the rant *sigh* shame it didn't help :(

[Stronger]

<3 You Nikki

But I know exactly have you feel with your friends, if they treat you like shit, they aren't your friends at all, just aquiences (idk the word), as for your family, I can never talk to my family either, when I do they freak out, usually my mom. As for school, all parents freak out with bad grades, you just have to live with that and just try harder, I get all 80s & 90s and one 65 and my mom freaks and its like she doesnt care about the good grades. As for your swimming your dad (no offense) sounded plain dumb, if this is the first time you missed he should not get mad at all, odviously, missing one session does not make you out of shape, I dont know why he would even get mad. Maybe when your parents get really mad, step outside for a while, take a walk ya know? Air out your mind, clear your thoughts etc, maybe once you get old things will change, they can't keep you at home forever.

I hoped I help Nikki :)

[Magenta]

First off, don't ever compare your life to someone else's. If what's going on is causing you grief, it's obviously very real to you and therefore, is not any less important.

I remember when my parents divorced when I was eight. It was really strange because I was the only kid who had to live in two different houses. It did feel like I didn't belong anywhere because I didn't just go home after school... I had to figure out which house I was going to and whether or not I was staying there overnight. It was chaotic to say the least. Not to mention, my step-mother and I have never gotten along.

Anyway, why add the personal anecdote to my post? Well, you're certainly not alone. You can't change others, unfortunately, but you can talk to them and tell them how you feel. If that doesn't work, try again. Through all of that, you will have support here because there are people who understand.

You're at the age now where I believe you have more say in which house you live with (at least, in Canada you do but I'm assuming 14 is usually old enough to make those decisions). You could try staying where you feel there's less stress and keep the other house strictly for visiting rather than living. I've found this works wonders, especially now that I'm old enough that I can't be forced to move between the two. Because you're right: packing a bag every other week and lugging it all the way to wherever, it's a real pain in the arse.

I talk to you a lot in chat, Nikki, so you know I'm pretty much around whenever I'm not in school. If you ever need someone to vent to (even if it doesn't help, just to get it out and know someone's listening), you can PM me.

It does get better. :hug:

[Desuetude]

First off, don't ever compare your life to someone else's. If what's going on is causing you grief, it's obviously very real to you and therefore, is not any less important.

I remember when my parents divorced when I was eight. It was really strange because I was the only kid who had to live in two different houses. It did feel like I didn't belong anywhere because I didn't just go home after school... I had to figure out which house I was going to and whether or not I was staying there overnight. It was chaotic to say the least. Not to mention, my step-mother and I have never gotten along.

Anyway, why add the personal anecdote to my post? Well, you're certainly not alone. You can't change others, unfortunately, but you can talk to them and tell them how you feel. If that doesn't work, try again. Through all of that, you will have support here because there are people who understand.

You're at the age now where I believe you have more say in which house you live with (at least, in Canada you do but I'm assuming 14 is usually old enough to make those decisions). You could try staying where you feel there's less stress and keep the other house strictly for visiting rather than living. I've found this works wonders, especially now that I'm old enough that I can't be forced to move between the two. Because you're right: packing a bag every other week and lugging it all the way to wherever, it's a real pain in the arse.

I talk to you a lot in chat, Nikki, so you know I'm pretty much around whenever I'm not in school. If you ever need someone to vent to (even if it doesn't help, just to get it out and know someone's listening), you can PM me.

It does get better. :hug:

Thank you, i just don't like feeling that there are people that get badly abused by parents and im moaning about this, it just makes me feel selfish.

I'm not sure about the living in one house, it would be more hassle than living in both, i mean the parent that i choose to live with would have to be my mum as i know my dad wouldnt let me. Not that i feel anywhere to be 'less stressful' me and my mother havent gotten along for a while and i really just dont want to be here.

Its nice that people can relate, i suppose it makes me feel like im not totally alone. But the thing is no one that i ahve in my life outside of this computer can relate to me or understand me, they just think they know me but they dont know the half of it.

Yeah i know, i don't want to be nagging putting all my problems on you though, it might just make you feel bad and i dont want that. Thank you though Jo :)

Tbh im not counting on it getting any better. just when you think you can count on life, it fails you.

[XxMaymayxX]

I know how you feel. My parents divorced and both got remarried. Packing your belongings up in a bag to live out of is tough. I understand the stressers that parents put on us as well.
You also have to deal with two different types, one from mom and one from dad.
If you ever want to talk, just send me a message. I'll gladly listen and do my best to help.

[Desuetude]

I know how you feel. My parents divorced and both got remarried. Packing your belongings up in a bag to live out of is tough. I understand the stressers that parents put on us as well.
You also have to deal with two different types, one from mom and one from dad.
If you ever want to talk, just send me a message. I'll gladly listen and do my best to help.

Thanks and yeah it is, it doesn't help that they always want to sit down together with us and 'talk' about things *sigh* It makes me feel so intimidated and yeah i know they think they make it easy but they honestly don't.
Thank you for taking you time to read my little rant though.

[Magenta]

Everything is hard in its own way. Abuse, divorce, general parent/child arguments. It's not selfish at all. Divorces can be extremely hard to deal with. It took me almost eight years to fully accept that my family was never going to be "complete" in the traditional sense.

Well, it was worth the suggestion. Do you usually go to each parent's home on a set schedule? If so, you could always look into varying it up a little. A change in pace can often make things shift a little... just general dynamics. It could also give you more choice as to where to go when you're starting to feel stressed. If I can't handle my mother, I visit my dad. When his family is starting to put me on edge, I go home. As you get older, it starts to be less of what works for your parents and more of what works for me. I'd seriously suggest trying to talk to both of your parents about this and just see if there's any way to make the transitions easier or just to change things up as a little trial period.

You'd never be putting anything on me, so don't worry about it. :) I like helping people, or if I can't, just listening. Keep your chin up, Nikki, things will change. They do change with age and there's other changes that can be made with the help of your parents as well. Even if it's intimidating to talk, it's always worth a try especially if they're putting it out there that they're open to sitting down and talking as a family. It may take a couple tries but little things can happen slowly but surely. :hug:

[Desuetude]

We don't have a scedual, mum and dad shove me and my sister in whatever house they feel can cope. i mean at the moment we are at each house for 2 weeks because they have more important things going on in their lives than looking after us. its like we are a burden on them that they just have to cope with. But yeah, i suppose that would work, i mean its what my dads girlfriends son does, i never thought of that. but i have to take into account my little sister, god im like her little babysitter shes 11 and she cant walk from the bus to dads house, which is only 20 minutes away, without me being there.

Yeah i know i should talk to them but i will just end up getting angry at them and as always they will find a way to blame me for eveything. They don't even know i feel like this and if i tell them they will find out everything i have locked away. But maybe as i get older i will get more independace and they will actally let me make decisions for myself. prolly not, but maybe. thank you if it gets worse at least i know there is someone to talk to. :)

[Magenta]

We don't have a scedual, mum and dad shove me and my sister in whatever house they feel can cope. i mean at the moment we are at each house for 2 weeks because they have more important things going on in their lives than looking after us. its like we are a burden on them that they just have to cope with. But yeah, i suppose that would work, i mean its what my dads girlfriends son does, i never thought of that. but i have to take into account my little sister, god im like her little babysitter shes 11 and she cant walk from the bus to dads house, which is only 20 minutes away, without me being there.

The unfortunate thing about divorced families I've noticed is, most of the time, one kid ends up growing up a lot faster. In my case, I'm an only child but in my step-siblings case, my younger brother is very grown up for his age (sometimes).

It is your parents' responsibility to look after the two of you. Your sister will have to learn at some point how to be able to at least walk from the bus by herself which ends up giving you more freedom. As you get older, you can probably start staying at the other parent's house because they'll know you can handle yourself more. But now that you've mentioned having a younger sister, if you do talk to your parents, make sure she's involved too because it might be hard on her as well since I have a feeling she's probably gotten used to having you around.

Yeah i know i should talk to them but i will just end up getting angry at them and as always they will find a way to blame me for eveything. They don't even know i feel like this and if i tell them they will find out everything i have locked away. But maybe as i get older i will get more independace and they will actally let me make decisions for myself. prolly not, but maybe. thank you if it gets worse at least i know there is someone to talk to. :)

Anger is okay. Anger is completely normal. I think your parents will understand. I doubt they blame you. I obviously don't know your parents but the blame may just be their way of coping with having a child who is upset with them. My mother took absolutely everything out on me but as I started talking to her more, I realized I'd forgotten that she finds it as chaotic as I do. Your parents never got married and had kids expecting to divorce... so while this is no longer new to them, it's still not what they planned for their life. Everyone is learning as they go.

:)

[Desuetude]

She finds it hard doing anything by herself, i mean we have lived in the same place for our hole lives and today she couldn't even walk round the town centre, knowing i would bethere to, by herself. Its just an even bigger burden knowing i have to look after her but my mum never fight with her its always aimed at me, my dad is more even about it but my side tips a bit.

I know they are still learning but the fact that my dads girlfriend has a 17 and 21 year old doesnt help as she tells him hes to 'soft' on us and has tightend the reigns a lot more. I don't think they blame me but for the past 6 years or so i have been fine, a normal kid you could say. but in the past two things have started to get really hard for reasons i dont know and im not sure how they would relate or look at that or even help me with it, i mean if they found out i cut they'd be horrified and check up on my all the time not to check if i'd finished all the books i just got that morning but if i was slashing myself with a knife. Im sorry but i would have no life at all if i told them.