Roses_Are_Yellow
January 20th, 2012, 01:51 AM
There have probably been dozens of threads like this one before, but why did/do you guys cut?
I had a list of reasons why I did it. I felt like the world was against me, and that it wouldn't get better. My school was horrible, people there were horrible to me. My 'friends' constantly made fun of the way I looked, commented on my weight, but acted like they cared. My friends also made fun of me by calling me emo, so I thought "They already think I am, why not just do it?" My grades were terrible (my usual A's and two B+'s changed to C's, D's and F's), which led to screaming matches at home. I felt like my existence caused my parents to give up all the good in their lives, which in turn made me even more angry at my parents for making a one time mistake nine months before I was born. I was furious at my mom for things she did to me when I was younger, and upset with my dad for things he'd say to me out of anger. Negative comments were tossed left and right about me. It felt like all the color in my life was slowly slipping, that I was in a world surrounded by shadows, and each day I would lose a bit of my sanity. I couldn't stare at myself in the mirror because all I saw was this ugly looking person, with nothing redeeming about her. It also felt like I had no control in my life, and cutting was the only control I had in my life. I didn't know how to handle my feelings, and felt that the only way to deal with them was by slashing my arms. I felt like a total stranger to myself. I absolutely hated it when people would try to tell me I was a certain person, when I didn't even know who I was. I spent so much time angry at the world, but acting like I was the happiest person you would ever meet. I was usually seen laughing, skipping, or chatting with my friends.
That was a really long reason why I cut... But, everything's different now. I've made new friends, moved to a new school, and got my old grades back. My parents and I are great now, and I'm generally happy. Every now and again, I have thoughts of cutting again to deal with my emotions, and I have a feeling that won't change for a long time. I think I may have done something to my right arm though, because once in a while I feel this stinging almost burning sensation in the same spot, but it's like deep in my arm. When I think about it, I don't know if I should be relieved or hurt that no one seemed to care enough to notice what I was doing to myself.
I just want to say to anyone who self harms even though it feels like everyone and everything is against you, and that it'll never get better, just..don't lose hope in life. I almost did, and came close to tossing away the rest of my life on several of occasions.I know it sort of sucks, but please just know you're not alone. I'm not saying life will become better over night, but it does one little step at a time.
I had a list of reasons why I did it. I felt like the world was against me, and that it wouldn't get better. My school was horrible, people there were horrible to me. My 'friends' constantly made fun of the way I looked, commented on my weight, but acted like they cared. My friends also made fun of me by calling me emo, so I thought "They already think I am, why not just do it?" My grades were terrible (my usual A's and two B+'s changed to C's, D's and F's), which led to screaming matches at home. I felt like my existence caused my parents to give up all the good in their lives, which in turn made me even more angry at my parents for making a one time mistake nine months before I was born. I was furious at my mom for things she did to me when I was younger, and upset with my dad for things he'd say to me out of anger. Negative comments were tossed left and right about me. It felt like all the color in my life was slowly slipping, that I was in a world surrounded by shadows, and each day I would lose a bit of my sanity. I couldn't stare at myself in the mirror because all I saw was this ugly looking person, with nothing redeeming about her. It also felt like I had no control in my life, and cutting was the only control I had in my life. I didn't know how to handle my feelings, and felt that the only way to deal with them was by slashing my arms. I felt like a total stranger to myself. I absolutely hated it when people would try to tell me I was a certain person, when I didn't even know who I was. I spent so much time angry at the world, but acting like I was the happiest person you would ever meet. I was usually seen laughing, skipping, or chatting with my friends.
That was a really long reason why I cut... But, everything's different now. I've made new friends, moved to a new school, and got my old grades back. My parents and I are great now, and I'm generally happy. Every now and again, I have thoughts of cutting again to deal with my emotions, and I have a feeling that won't change for a long time. I think I may have done something to my right arm though, because once in a while I feel this stinging almost burning sensation in the same spot, but it's like deep in my arm. When I think about it, I don't know if I should be relieved or hurt that no one seemed to care enough to notice what I was doing to myself.
I just want to say to anyone who self harms even though it feels like everyone and everything is against you, and that it'll never get better, just..don't lose hope in life. I almost did, and came close to tossing away the rest of my life on several of occasions.I know it sort of sucks, but please just know you're not alone. I'm not saying life will become better over night, but it does one little step at a time.