Help :/

[Fiction]

This will be a rant more than anything... I apologise in advance :/

Basically as I write this i'm in a hospital bed after overdosing. I can't feel anything at the moment. Nothing but wanting to cut and I guess wanting to die.

I've overdosed and ended up in hospital before, just over a year ago. That made me feel. The complete shock and Iguess trauma of it made me feel. This time i'm just lying here wondering what comes next. How will myparents treat me whenI get home and how do I feel again?

This feeling, or lack of terrifies me. I've had an extremely eventful day, yet I can't feel. It makes me want to die.

How can I make this better? I'm literally at my breaking point, but I can't even feel it :/

[Magenta]

Well, no apologies are needed in the slightest since rants are always good to get out there.

Sometimes you don't feel as a way of coping with what normally might be too much to feel. You may not want to feel the same shock as last time and have found a way around that.

The good thing is though that you seem to want to be able to feel all of this. Dying and cutting and overdosing are ways to avoid feeling but if it's so scary then you know that's not the way to go.

I saw your other post earlier about overdosing and I was worried so I'm really glad to hear you're all right, Kathy.

You'll feel again when you're ready to but I think you're going to have to be ready for that because going back to that place of not feeling by any means obviously isn't helping you. It turns into an endless cycle of feeling, numb, feeling, numb and no one wants to live like that. You're in the hospital now... this may honestly be the time to take advantage of the situation you're in. People there can help you and the people here want to see you get help. And yeah, it's never appealing but it's right in front of you just when, as you said, you're at your breaking point.

No one wants to lose you, Kathy. You are such a great person with people who love you and are so grateful for the advice you've given them and for being their friend. And having a friend is great but having a happy friend is even better and we all want that for you in time. It's just taking another step towards getting there for now which I hope you'll consider.

:hug:

[Fiction]

Thank you Jo. You have no idea how much the simple fact that you've repliedmeans at the moment.
I guess i'm just scared I won't feel again and I couldn't live like that. It would have been so easy today. Just a few more tablets and the avoidance of hospital and i'd be dead. I so nearly did it >< I guess idk. There's some resentment there idk.

Sorry i'm rambling >< it's nearly 2am, i've been awake 20 hours and it's bern stressful to say the least :p

[Magenta]

GAH, no, I was replying and accidentally hit the back button and my entire post disappeared. ;_;

Anyway, I was saying that I'm glad you're still here and I know that others would agree. I sincerely am glad. I know Aaron is and Val (and that's just from hearing from them briefly). No one wants anything to happen to you and it shows a lot that nothing major has after today. Whatever resentment there is, no matter how easy it could have been, you didn't take those extra tablets and you did get help.

You'll start feeling again. It prolly won't feel very good at first but it's something. And you are feeling something now if you've mentioned fear and resentment so there's something there. You're certainly not lost and you can get better. You can't live without feeling and living miserable is obviously not appealing so now's the time to aim for living happy and you've got people for support. :)

First step though is probably getting some sleep. I really do hope you feel better when you wake up, even the slightest bit. And don't ever apologize for rambling. I've noticed people tend to get more out without meaning to that way. I'm always around if you need anyone to ramble to. I truly mean it.

You also deserve another hug. :hug:

[Iris]

I know anything I say is totally insignificant, but I'm just going to say it anyway: you are an amazing person, Kathy. We haven't really gotten close, but I constantly see you helping others in need of guidance, comfort or support, and it's something really wonderful that you should be proud of. You are clearly a good person, and whatever suffering you're going through, you truly don't deserve it. And I think that the power that you have to be compassionate and empathetic towards others will help you get through this. You feel for others, and care about others. You may not feel now, but the capacity to do so is clearly there; you've proven you have it and something like that doesn't just go away. Give yourself time, give life a chance again. You've helped me in some of my times of need, at times that I really really wanted to die. I bet you've even saved a few lives here on VT. You are an incredible person who deserves the chance to live and be happy. Don't deprive yourself of that chance hun.

Once you hit bottom the only way to go is up, right?

[Fiction]

I didn't choose to get help >< that was an accident caused by the fact I was throwing up every few minutes. Anyway *hugs back*. I've managed about 3 hours sleep now but this is the second time i've been woken :( anyways Thank you Jo.

Iris of course what you say isn't insignificant. It actually made me smile. Helping people is all selfish though, idk it's almost like if I see someone happier cause of me it makes me happier. Although this works both ways and upsetting people makes me truly suicidal.. that's another story though...

Thanks both of you :) it means alot xx

[Iris]

Few few people can claim that their motives are truly altruistic. We are simply not wired that way. Is it really a bad thing if making others happy makes yourself happy? I, for one, think that's a beautiful thing. The joy of others brings you joy, and the pain of others brings you pain. That's not selfishness but true empathy. I'd consider it a gift, to be cherished. How many can say they have that capacity to care?

I'm glad I made you smile :), you sound like you're in an incredibly painful and tough situation. Your plight really struck me, as it bothers me that such good people get fucked over by life. I don't know your motives really, and if you ever want to talk about that I'm here for you, but try to focus on the fact that there are people in the world who care about you, there are people who you've really affected in positive ways, and there are hurt, broken people who are waiting to be affected by you sometime in the future. You can do amazing things by living :). Life is shit but there are some lights in the darkness.

[Kaius]

Kaths, you know how important you are to me and a lot of other people on here. I know at the moment things don't feel like they could get any better or any worse but believe me, things aren't going to stay like this. Although you didn't ask for help maybe this is a sign. The most important this is you stay truthful with them this time for as long as you feel like you need the help they're giving you. The main thing at the moment though is you get yourself better. The urges aren't going to disappear just like that, and i've noticed that reactions to suicide differ every time you try it so its not going to feel the same as last time but as Jo said you'll feel better when your body feels like it can. You know you've always got me to help and support you in whatever way you need and im sure that can be said for a few other people as well right? I love you beautiful, stay strong.

[Fiction]

It's because I hurt someone I love badly that I did this, and if that's empathy well, it hurts, and it gives people the illusion i'm a good person. I'm not. I'm worse than worthless. :/


But thank you for your reply :)

AARON :D Firs I want to inform you I has tea so i'm happy and dunt need you atm ;)

Second, i love you too so much and I never meant to hurt you I guess 'm just desperate and searching for anything that could make this better. It was selfish though and you deserve better than this :(

As for talking to people and getting the help u'm going to try, but yeah. You know how I am about that.

I love you

[Kaius]

Oh thanks! I'll just go back to my love affair with my paperwork.

But in all seriousness you don't need to be sorry, its water under the bridge now we just need to talk it through and make sure we get you better again. I know how you are, you're stubborn as anything, yes but we can cross that bridge when we come to it can't we? The main thing atm is you get yourself well enough to come home. I love you and all i want is you to feel better :)

[Fiction]

Pfft :p you can't talk about being stubborn :p

I think I justneed to sort out exactly what i'm thinking and feeling and then somehow try too explain it to people :/

[Amaryllis]

I don't know you that well so I can't really say, but it seems like you have a lot of cooped up, suppressed emotion. And you probably cut and want to die because you can't deal with the overwhelming misery. Or, maybe not, I have no idea xD

Either way, I found journalling to be really helpful. Just write it aallll down, all the emotions, strain, the things that've happened(or you might not want to go too deep into it but keeping it locked away isn't going to help, either) and just write in it, preferable everyday. Write/think about what triggers you and find other ways to cope with it and actually do it.

Things must be very, very hard for you and they have been for quite a while but Kathy, you -didn't- die. And you're a survivor - not just because you overcame physical battles but psychological ones, too.

As for you thinking your reason for helping others is selfish - it isn't. In fact, that's one of the biggest traits of people who thrive, they want there to be peace/happiness/whatever it is around them because it makes them function better.

Heck, I can't say I help others for completely selfless reasons - if I did, I would post every single day like I used to xD On another note, though, Kathy. Being around people who are constantly depressed everyday isn't going to improve your condition very much.

You need to focus on yourself - it's when you've beaten your own inner demons that you can tell others "Hey, it's possible. Things do get better and since I am strong enough - you are, too."

You have the choice and you're in control of your own life. Many people have hurt you - but you can't change others. And they can't break you - not unless you let them. If your current methods of coping don't work and find new methods. I probably say this way too much but read self-help books, I'm pretty much made of books.

We love you, Kathy. And we will always be willing to help.