That common bullying topic that you probably see almost everywhere

[DarkNick]

I really don't know who I'm 'cause of it,what my friends think about me,what should I do...I get bullied ever since I remember myself and the reason is really funny: I can't stick up for myself when I can stick up for others! I feel helpless and pathetic during times that I'm sitting alone.The reason that I feel like that is bulling of course. You know when you pretend (Even to yourself) that everything is alright while it's not and you want to hit them,push them,scream on their faces and tell them to leave you alone, not only the bullies, all of them!

I don't even know if my friends love me or they just hang out with me 'cause they feel sorry about me (we had a fight some months back and they told me that they feel sorry about me but mainly 'cause I was unhappy and miserable all the time). So they either don't know about how I feel about bullying and they don't care or they just want to get rid of me 'cause of it...
I don't know who I'm, how strong I seem to be, how strong I really am...I don't know a crap about my school reality at all!

I remember when some kids bullied me during 1st grade.
-Hey you.
-...
-Wait he can't speak?
-...
-Oh look at him! He's scared! Speak up dude are you deaf?!?!
-...

I guess that's how it started...
and it keep going during now.I'm happy that it's getting better each year but I want it to stop! I'm afraid to do almost everything to school 'cause of it.
And to be honest, I don't know how I feel anymore. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I want to defend myself, show them how much it hurts and on the other hand I feel good that I have 1 more year in high school left.
People say that they are most afraid of insects,rats,dogs but I'm afraid of teenagers...... :(
I've been through lot,and recovered but...I can't and probably will never recover from this.... And I don't have time to visit my psychologist either (too much homework) to show me how to defend myself, to do something about it...

I just wanted to vent about all of the damage I've taken by the abusers (I know that there are worse out there and I feel guilty about posting this at the moment :( ) 'cause no one can hear me,I don't want them to hear me and feel more sorry for me!!!!
I hope it's in the right section
Thanks for reading and you're not alone
Regards,
Nick.

[Jupiter]

Many people have issues with not speaking when they get bullied. But, I do have to ask. Why did they bully you in the first place?

[DarkNick]

Many people have issues with not speaking when they get bullied. But, I do have to ask. Why did they bully you in the first place?

As I wrote before it started by being the easy target, the one that won't speak no matter what you did to him (though some times I had some explosions)

I didn't went to elementary school for 3 years due to health issues so the big bullying part (apart from these in 1st grade-'cause I was too shy) started at jr. high...Back there I was ugly and looked a bit girly due to the fact that I had some of my mothers facial features (big lips and long hair) plus the fact that I had a gay friend (in the closet)- he was the only friend that I had during that time 'cause of my health issues as I wrote...So since I didn't have friends they started to bully me 'cause they probably thought that I was gay and they were-are homophobic....That kept going. Now, in high school some of the rumors still goes on, while some others just make fun of me 'cause they know that I'm still that easy target.......