Mentally exhausted.

[Kaius]

I don't really know where to start here. I'm mentally exhausted. I guess its just more of a rant than anything. Lately I feel almost guilty for being here. I have a nice family and I'm getting good grades and i'm in a great relationship with a girl I love and whom loves me. I'm not even sure why I feel so.. Down. I can't really explain it. Lately my friends from college have been almost ignoring my existence. I'm not totally sure why, I haven't done anything to intentionally upset them.

I feel the only thing keeping me going is my girlfriend and it might sound stupid my grades and university work. I can't cope with the thoughts of how attempting suicide again and maybe actually succeeding might affect my parents. Lately I feel more aware of that but it isn't easing it. Its.. Distressing to say the least.

I'm worrying a lot more. I'm constantly worrying something is going to happen to my parents. My mothers not in the best of health and we have come close to losing her quite often. I feel recently I've become more aware of how badly it would affect me if i did lose her or my dad, or someone else and what it would do to me. It makes me act differently as well. I've felt since I've become aware of this I've been more hard going on myself. I don't want to disappoint my parents with bad grades, or anything like that so im not giving myself a break. But my grades aren't even bad in the first place, i'm getting quite high, even top grades in most if not all my classes. The one bad grade i may get screws up my confidence and im back down at square one.

I suppose more than anything its just stress, depression and my thoughts getting the better of me but I really can't think of how to stop it. Its affecting my sleep, my overall health which tbh isn't great at the moment and hasn't been for a while and its making it worse, and its just ruining my mental state. I think this is just a rant, in hope it might help to get it out there but i'd be grateful for any advice if anyone has had this before. Theres so much going on i just can't organize my thoughts or whatever else is going on in my head.

[DarkNick]

Everyone has it's ups and downs mate. You will feel better soon.We're not made to be always sad or always happy.You will feel a bit of happiness at least.I think that you may you aren't used to the idea everything's not that bad...On the other side the problems that have to do your collegues and your mother are a bit distracting but still a part of everyones life! Try to see if something is wrong between you and these friends of you (chit chat, ask them things about themselves-if there's something wrong they will act strange)and if this will work your self esteem will increase and you'll feel more optimist both for your life and your mother! ;)

I hope i helped you with my answer!

And don't you dare to feel guilty about being here.You BELONG here!!! Even if your life is better than some others lifes here, you can still be a part of this community by helping, or discussing your problems.
Every person has some hard problems. Sometimes they aren't tagged as hard by the community but they may be hard for the person who has them for his-her own reason!!

[Fiction]

First of all Aaron, I love you.

You pretty much know what my answer will be but i'm going to tell you again anyway :P

You have no reason to be guilty about being here. None at all. You have been through so much and come so far to be here. Proud, yes. You have a reason to feel proud about being here but not guilty. You do so much for so many people. You're an amazing gmod, an amazing older brother, and amazing friend and an amazing boyfriend. You do so much more than you realise, you more than earn your keep :P

The things about losing your parents, that's not set in stone at all and you know that. The world's unpredictable and anything can happen, but chances are it'll be a while before anything happens to either of them. I know it's not as simple as this, but try to stop worrying. Worrying won't solve anything.

You've even said yourself you are doing really well at uni. You're working your hardest and that's all anyone could ever ask of you. I'm proud of you and i'm sure your parents are too. They have no reason not to be.

Ring your counsellor. Perhaps just talking this through with him will help a bit, and once you can sleep a bit better maybe your mental and physical health will follow.

You know i'm always always here for you Aaron. It would destroy me if anything happened to you. I love you.

[Amaryllis]

It must be really hard coping with on and off depression(Or maybe it's a constant weight, either way, it's horrible.) I think I know what you mean, my life's pretty okay and perhaps even good now, but sometimes you just feel burnt out.

Are you sure university isn't too much for you? Perhaps it's the stress. As for your friends, they could be just too caught up in their own lives - often when people ignore you, they aren't doing it intentionally. And unfortunately, people tend to just brush friends aside once they feel they are "friends". Maybe they need a bit of a change, maybe you do. There're tons of other people you can meet and talk to.

It could also be they can sense your depression - a lot of the time people avoid people who are sad because they just don't know what to do or they may not want to damage their own "happy meter". Does this mean they're not "true" friends? Not necessarily. Maybe they just think you're "tough" enough to get through it on your own.

As for worrying about your parents, just acknowledge the worry and ask yourself if worrying changes anything. Most likely, the answer's no. Non-constructive worrying truly doesn't help either party, you'll worry about your parents and they'll in turn worry about you worrying. Constructive worry is when you care and you are able to do something to help your parents. If you've done all that you can, well, treasure every moment with them - because that's all you can do.

Your mother's a strong woman, I'm sure. And it's been proven that people who are motivated, who have strong desires to survive and smile/laugh more are more likely to survive and overcome illnesses(Though I'm not completely sure of what your mum is going through) Either way, just be the great son you are, support her, encourage her, make her laugh and smile - your happiness is enough to make your parents happy, too.

As for sleep, what I did when I was suffering from severe depression as a child was just uh... Cry xD I literally cried every single day, just let all the feelings wash over me, somehow that kind of helped. Suppressing your emotions rarely does much good for you, I'm not saying you have to cry everyday like I did but just let it show. You can't tell yourself don't feel this, don't feel that. Because you do.

What you can do is focus on the -good- things you feel and the -good- things and people in your life. Treasure every little thing and try your best to be kinder to yourself. You're coping well, just strive to cope better. Good luck, Aaron!

EDIT: Oh, and give yourself a break. Relax with a good book or whatever it is you like to do. Find a balance in your life.

[Unique Physique]

Not sure if this is late or not, but I may as well drop in my two pennies, take it as you will.

I can somewhat relate and I do understand what you're saying, getting depression for no reason.. even when things are mostly going well. All I can say is, there's either something subconsciously bugging you (perhaps your parents in this case) or it's a simple case of seasonal blues which are actually really common, most people get them during Winter time but some of us get it in the Summer it seems - well I do, anyway, I tend to feel that way around June-August and occasionally go off the rails regardless of not whether there's a trigger, and in your case it probably is just stress with uni/work/friendships on top of that. I don't think the folks would be too disappointed if you got bad marks, not that you will, but basically.. remember they are only happy if you're happy with yourself and what you're doing, and right now, I think you are.. so don't worry. You are doing extremely well, regardless of one small setback, remember that.

As for your college mates, don't take it personally.. I doubt that they are actually intending to ignore you, some people get busy in their lives and sometimes they come across to other people as ignoring them, or the case could be that they're actually drifting apart from you (worst case scenario), now I can more than relate to this anxiety lol, I do think they should reassure you, but you should probably take this up with them. I'm sure they'll understand and it will be a simple explanation.

Just remember and keep telling yourself that you're a survivor, as cheesy as it sounds. You've made a remarkable recovery over the recent years and that your life is firmly on track. You're going to where you actually want to go and you've overcome quite a lot of odds to get to where you are today. Remember those who love you (family, friends and girlfriend) are always close by, maybe not always physically, but definitely here. You know the drill.. talk if you want to chat, etc.

x

[Kaius]

I feel a bit better lately, I've tried to speak to my parents about it more so my mother. She began to see a stop smoking nurse last week and hopefully she'll stick to it this time which is highly likely. Z - A couple of years ago my mother nearly died with what we thought was Cancer but turned out to be a nasty lung infection that caused a large mass of water build up in her lung. Wasn't nice. But in any case her chest has been getting really quite bad lately and yeah, it reminds me of that. I'm quite independent in a lot of cases but my parents do an awful lot for me in terms of when I have a health relapse or something.

But anyway, shes hopefully stopping sometime within the next week or so. Thats eased me a little bit but i think the thing scaring me the most and I've been able to pinpoint this is my future. They aren't going to be around forever and what freaks me out is realizing how much they really do do for me, and if i'm going to cope if that makes sense?

I think the grade thing ties in with it, im basically forcing myself to get no less than the higher grades because being a vet is not only what i want but its what my parents want for me, but only because i want to do it. But it would kill me to have them disappointed in me, I've put them through a lot of crap during the years and yeah. Plus theres the case of wanting to do well for myself, I don't want to think of myself as struggling to get by when im older financially when i know im capable of living perfectly comfortably if that makes sense? I don't mean living in some big ass house and a fancy car or anything, just a place that is mine and that i can pay out easily with at least the ability to save. But yeah I'm ranting now. But yeah thats basically what I think is going on in my head. Too much for a 19 year old to be worrying about I think considering i don't actually get out of university until I'm 25-26.

I am proud of my recovery, its taken 5 years but i've finally almost gone a full year without cutting even once and I still find that hard to believe or even take in because I've just never been able to do it before.

Thanks for the replies :)

(On a side note the friends from college - They have been acting off towards me for a few months now and i'm not the only one thats noticed but its not bothering me as much anymore tbf, if they're gonna act like children they can act like them its not affecting me anymore really.)