time to give up??

[Jelly379]

Hi Guys, I'm new here and can't wait to start to meet people and make new friends on here :)
Right now i just need to vent, so here goes:

I had a really bad incident with my stepdad a few nights ago and my mom and him are no longer together and mom and i have a restraining order against him for assualt and uttering death threats. the whole situation has been really hard on mom and me...
mom keeps telling me that i have been tough through this whole ordeal. just because i havent cried or anything.. but i dont cry and mom knows that...

everytime mom tells me i have been strong it makes me want to scream at her and tell her how bad my cutting has gotten in the last few days..

3 nights ago i cut over 100 times in one sitting.. mom knows that i have cut in the past, but she doesnt know that im addicted, that i cant stop no matter how hard i try. she thinks i only cut on my arms.. but i cut everywhere, my legs, hip, stomach, ankle... i almost want to tell her about all my other cuts but she is so messed up from the whole thing i know it would make things worse. mom said she loves him and blah blah blah and all she has been doing is crying day and night... i hate my stepdad and mom "said" she wont take him back.. but im scared she will.. ugh i dunno what to do.. and i cant stop cutting...
my support person told me she doesnt know what she can do to help me anymore and it makes me feel like i have put a huge burrden on her and that im so fucked up she cant help me, it makes me feel like she is giving up on me but i know she never would!! i know that i need help but i cant get any... im tempted to just die.

a little while ago my support person, the councillor at my school and i came up with a life contract and im supposed to call my support person if i feel like killing myself or if im at risk of hurting myself bad.. well i do and i cant call her.. i dont want to worry her anymore, i hate telling her about how bad my cutting is and telling her i want to die will scare her... i have already seen her cry because she is scared im going to kill myself and i dont want to make her cry again.. makes me mad at myself for hurting other people.. i am going to see her tomorrow and i think she is going to see it on my face that im not right... and i CANT lie to her at all.. i love her and could never lie (and im a bad liar) and i know if she asks im going to tell her.. i always feel guilty and just blurt out what im thinking anyways.. ugh, wish i could curl up in a ball and everyone would just leave me alone to die :/

sorry for the long pointless rant, im just soo lost

[Wings3965]

We can talk I'd like I be your friend maybe I can get ur mind off of it email me email removed (Mike/ImCoolBeans) if u want to fb, I'm tiny by the way and I'm 17 :)

[RustyRockets]

Hi Jess, welcome!

First it's great that you are reaching out and looking for support. Your mum is right, trust me, you have been incredibly strong. But maybe you've been too strong for to long now, the weight of other people can get heavy on you, there is no shame in taking a break. Every scar shows that now is the time that you need to people to be strong for you!

Being here is a great start, you'll find tons of people who understand your situation exactly and you won't ever be judged. Secondly, I know you aren't feeling great about getting in contact with support staff and professionals, but they really have seen and heard it all before and can be a great help when you aren't thinking straight :) You're worried about hurting and upsetting all the people around you, but imagine what would happen to them if things got even worse and they knew you had been hiding everything away.

When you go in tomorrow I'd really advise you to be calm and honest and accept that you need a little time of not being so strong and tough, so you can heal.

Good luck with everything, keep safe!
Rus

[xktx]

If you ever want anyone to talk to pm me, cant guarentee ill always be online, but Ill help as much as I can. <3
Try talking to your mum; i know it may hurt her, but it may make you better and bring your mum to realise she has to move on. xx

[Wings3965]

Don't cut :( I'll help I get through it if u want

[intake]

however it could possibly make you very much better and provide your mum to realise she is required to proceed on.

[MyRedHeadWorld]

Your mum has her own problems at the moment, but I'm sure she wouldnt like the idea of you being so upset. I think, you should talk to her. if you want to tell her up straight you're cutting, and worse then usual, then go for it, if not, at least tell her that you're feeling very down lately.

I know its tough, but I'm sure you'll get through it eventually:)