Everything...

[ben...]

Hello, my name is Ben I live in North Carolina. The reason I am posting is because I believe I am depressed. I fell sociably akward, ugly, and like no one wants my presence (other than my 80 year old grandmother ha.) I am 16 and always been a outgoing guy, but something is not right I can feel. I go to a very small private high school and my group consist of 3 girls and one other guy. The girls are all very pretty, and the guy very good looking. I on the other hand am not so much ha. I am a very kind and caring person and I believe thats why they hangout with me. Yesterday, we went to a huge mall in NC. And it started off fun, but kept getting worse and worse. We would go into many stores and look around with the girls trying on things, and my guy friend also trying on things. They are always commenting on how good he looks and this and that. ( jealous? yes.). I also feel used by them, I have a car and license and they always bring me a long to drive them i feel like. I am not "ugly" but im not good looking. And believe me, when you are usually with a guy that is very good looking he gets alllllll of the attention. He really is a good friend, but just doesn't understand what i go through. I am somewhat over weight, have acne ( not because i am not clean, i wash my face twice a day and go to the dermatologist.). I used to be top of my class, but im slipping fast. I just feel so tired and like something in my head says its not worth doing. I have no enemies, everyone likes me ( conceded I know, but true.) but they only like me because of what I have to offer i think. My parents are separated because my dad had an affair and still is. HE has never really been a part of my life. My mom does take medicine for depression only because of what happened between her and my dad. We used to have money, and buy what ever we needed and wanted. But after the separation my mom started impulse buying (not little things, like cars and very expensive items) now we have hardly any money left after the bills which makes it hard to live in the neighbor hood that I do because it is a gated lake community. I wanted to try counseling but I know its not in our expenses for me to do so. And my mom says I dont need it and im just looking for attention. OH YEAH im also bi. but not out, only to a few people. That also adds tons of stress to my life. I tried the gym, but get so bored and doesnt work. I have tried diets and they all fail.

-So this has been my little rant about my life. What is their to do that will help me?

[trzxv515]

Hello Ben. :D I think I know what you feel. It's really hard aye? And being the pessimist that I am, it doubles up the "pain". Why don't you try expressing yourself in art? I actually started songwriting this week because that's how I express what I feel everyday. You can probably draw or write music or anything that you enjoy. Plus, maybe you could have a more positive outlook in life. Yeah, I'm being a hypocrite here but I am also trying to be optimistic once in a while. See the good in people. :)

[ben...]

Thanks, :). I actually am enrolled in college classes for Graphic Design. I really like them. My life got really "depressing" when I moved to NC. I am from Long Island, NY and have an accent that can be perceived as being an a-hole but I don't try to be its just how I sound ha. Also my pic on here is really old ha. I was 13 when i took that :O. When I invite friends over, they always fret because of my mom ha. She is your typical long island mom with a heavy accent and speaks her mind freely. But the four that I hangout with (mentioned above) love it because its different.

I feel like I put on this fake happiness when I am around people, but truly I feel so shallow and bad about myself.

[ben...]

Updated picture :), but its not showing on here...?

[trzxv515]

Graphic design is awesome. I also do them sometimes just for fun. I guess the first thing you really need to do is decide what you really think of your friends. I'll be honest, I think it comes from your jealousy and insecurities. Just learn to love yourself man. Everything will follow. :)

[Sephtyan]

I see that you are having a large kink in your life. I can't really help much here, as I haven't ever experienced much of this. I know my parents split early in my life, Though that was due to money issues on my dad's part [and I'm slipping into his way of doing things '_']. I got put with my mother and after that our wealth situation improved. I was about 6/7 or so at the time. As for social issues, I had a couple hardships in earlier grades and such, though those cleared up when I got to High school [too bad my acne did the inverse xD]. The only advice I can really give is to try and get a job, and keep the money to yourself. Don't put it in a bank, as your mother could probably get to it with little trouble, and I have a friend that had all of him money vacuumed out of him that way. Perhaps encourage your mother to start dating again or something, to seek out a mate that's a bit better at wealth-handling. I apologize in advance if this is totally un-helpful x3

[ben...]

Thanks everyone :). My mom is a business attorney and don't get me wrong, makes greattt money but she also spends every dime she makes. It's funny how our society works. Yes, most of my issues are from my insecurities sadly. I wouldn't say I am to jealous. Of course we all are jealous over the good looking guy with the 6 pack that glides through life. I am very mature for my age and can get through lots, it is just a on going issue of "not being good enough" and that is sadly what happens when you hang around the "cool" crowd. But truth is, they may not show that they are insecure but i'm sure they are. We all are a little in my opinion.
Thanks again :).