Feeling suicidal

[Tankinx91]

My lifes gone nowhere fast since graduating high school and my family is collapsing since my father died last year. I've been to a psych ward twice in the past year, once for attempted suicide. Anyway i've been on a path of self destruction lately, binge drinking, experimenting with hard drugs and shit like that. Both of my parents are/were addicts at one time my dad did coke and heroin with various combos of pills which caused him to OD last year and die. I'm a cutter too, i've been cutting for 2 1/2-3 years but i find myself getting little to no relief from cutting anymore and having to cut deeper just to feel again.

All of my friends are going to college, i had a job but quit. I feel like i dont have a reason to wake up in the morning. I know i need help but i've seeked help before and nothing seems to work, it all just turns to shit i'm a fucking loser anyway i know i was a mistake too, i ruined my parents lives its my fault my dad ran away like a bitch when i was 6 because he'd rather do drugs then tell me once that he loved me.

I got bullied in high school for being gay even though i wasn't out to anyone. it was awful. I'll never forget the horrible things that we're said to me, people would walk up to me and call me faggot, queer boy, and other stuff along those lines. I mean yeah im not out but it still hurts. Bottom line i don't see a reason to live past the pain im in right now, i feel like i have no other options.

[jimmyboy92]

I can totally relate to that feeling of having nothing to live for, and I will admit I would most probably have topped myself by now if I could find a sure way of doing it (knowing my luck I would mess it up, still be alive and make life even harder!). The only way I can see out of stuff is to be, well, not here any more.

I don't really know what to suggest, other than try and find something to live for OR rather, something to stop you thinking about dying. I've got a huge fear of the future and stuff that inevitably will happen so I just try and think a day or two in advance cos as soon as I start thinking any further I get real depressed and suicidal again, maybe concentrating on short term stuff can help you forget about other stuff, and ok it doesn't give you a reason to live, but stops you feeling so bad. The other thing I will say is don't let past problems get to you, you can't change the past so let it be (I know it aint as easy as it sounds!). And really, who cares if you're gay? Bullying ruins a lot of peoples live and the bullies probably dont even realise that, but have you ever thought maybe they were calling you 'queer' to cover up thier own insecurtites....?

Is there anything you like doing? Any hobbies?

[niixx]

Life must have been horrible for you. I know its hard. I know you've been through a lot.. But hey, look on the other side

Are those bastards at school worth seeing ur pain? Are they worth your attention? Are you guilty for them being immature? NO!! So u have to stop paying attention to it!! NOW!

Dont take this as an insult, but your parents sound horrible. Im really sorry for your loss! Try to find a job, or to get into some college. Try doing something that will give your life something thats worth living, something you like. Try to find a good friend that u can talk to. Don't give up because of some bitches and bad people you met in your life. I know it didnt turn out quite the way you wanted, but you have to be strong enough to make it better. Make some changes in your life. Start enjoying in it, and try to leave the past behind.
ALSO, stop using drugs!!! Go to rehab or something, find something. Find someone that can support you! That can mean a lot. Motivation is always good. Remember to never give up, never. You can get out of those shit, and be happy. I know i probably dont know how that feels. But i beg you to try your best to make things better. Dont stop until your life becomes happier. I was bullied too, but ive made some changes, and my life is good now. I hope you're gonna be ok. Best wishes from me, and good luck! Dont give up. Hope i helped