What to do with a narcissistic friend?

[TheHumanSpirit]

Firstly, I use the term "narcissist" very lightly here because it takes a lot for someone to be diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and I wouldn't want to label because I feel that would be counter-productive. Secondly, the situation I am about to convey herein is mostly hypothetical (but still very closely related) because I do want to keep this request for advice confidential.

I have a group of junior best friends who are like a second family. I very recently acquired the position of Co-Editor-in-Chief of the high school's Yearbook. All of my junior best friends also happen to work as Yearbook page editors or contributors. The best friend I'm talking about here happens to be a page editor.

We'll call this best friend "Joe." Joe's page was filled up with photos and captions, many of which could have either been shrunk/condensed or completely removed. I approached Joe about this issue considering the fact that we were running low on space for that page, but he instead started to question my pages, and my overall ability to manage the yearbook. He said to tell our advisor that he does not consider my suggestions to be improvements and he will not be changing unless the advisor specifically addresses him (this was after the advisor had ALREADY made a group-wide announcement that all editors must listen to the Co-Editor-in-Chiefs as the final say).

Recently, Joe told me that he worked with another page editor (and best friend) and cut down 20% of the page. Joe said this in front of a group of friends at an outing after asking if I had completed one of my pages. I later talked to the other best friend with which he supposedly hung out with, "Janice," and Janice said it was just a joke. It seems Joe was attempting to make me feel ineffective and incompetent as Co-Editor-in-Chief.

In our more personal interactions, Joe and I get along wonderfully when we're just talking one-on-one and usually in our group of best friends; however, when we join in with a group of Joe's friends at their lunch table, Joe completely ignores me and when I do say something, he'll say something demeaning to the point where his friends are even commenting about how badly he is treating his friend (me). He doesn't apologize but instead shrugs it off.

It seems like every time I do something new: a new haircut, new clothes, whatever, Joe claims that I'm "copying" him or someone else (usually him, though). Joe also uses a lot of personal attacks, like telling Janice she looked ugly in those clothes. Joe is very immature and chooses not to apologize for anything he does unless he can see that it affects the person who he is hurting AND the group is involved.

This is why I started off with "narcissistic." He does not handle criticism well, he seems to have no concern for his best friends (and shows absolutely no effort to be friendly, often ignoring messages purposefully), and he will step on anyone's toes to get where he wants to be, even if it means hurting the people that care for him the most. I really don't understand it because he's one of the smartest people in the school (in my opinion), but the dumbest in terms of common sense.


What should I do? I feel like abandoning this "best-friendship" (though, I guess I'd be the only one to call him a best friend anyway) would be harmful to him because after watching documentaries on narcissism and having experienced it last year, I know that one who acts in narcissistic ways experiences terrible amounts of inner-shame and concern for their own actions ("this is why I'm not the best, I'm such an idiot for doing this, I need to do this to be at the top"), but I can't abandon myself here, either. By remaining friends with him, I am allowing him to trample all over me.

Do I jump ship? And how should I handle the conversation about the most recent conversation where he jokingly (though, this was not apparent during the conversation) told me he improved his page only with the help of our mutual best friend?

[Dimitri]

Well honestly you can do one of three things:

Go to the Editor in Cheif, tell him what is going on, express that you would like his impute int he situation. Tell hi of your friendship and you want to make sure that this problem is handled professionally and with respect. You need to make it know that actions that you want to go about doing are done to your specifications.
Sit down with this friend, let him know how you feel, tell him that you do not appreciate him undermining your authority that was specifically given to you by the Editor in Chief and your decision is final because of your position. Also mention how he treats his friend. Tell him that you do not like how he treats you and Janic, if he is a REAL friend then he will change.
Drop this fucker like a hot potato and string him up by his toes, he obviously does not respect your authority so show him what you can do, have him removed from his position, I have not got a clue as to what your powers are but my friend had your position and she did this to someone on our year book, he never messed with her again. But you do not strike me like someone who would do that....

[TheHumanSpirit]

Well honestly you can do one of three things:

Go to the Editor in Cheif, tell him what is going on, express that you would like his impute int he situation. Tell hi of your friendship and you want to make sure that this problem is handled professionally and with respect. You need to make it know that actions that you want to go about doing are done to your specifications.
Sit down with this friend, let him know how you feel, tell him that you do not appreciate him undermining your authority that was specifically given to you by the Editor in Chief and your decision is final because of your position. Also mention how he treats his friend. Tell him that you do not like how he treats you and Janic, if he is a REAL friend then he will change.
Drop this fucker like a hot potato and string him up by his toes, he obviously does not respect your authority so show him what you can do, have him removed from his position, I have not got a clue as to what your powers are but my friend had your position and she did this to someone on our year book, he never messed with her again. But you do not strike me like someone who would do that....


In response to (1), I have already spoken with our mutual best friend, "Claudia," who is the other Co-Editor-in-Chief. She is also a junior who has known him longer and has recommended that I ignore Joe, which I did but it didn't really help at all.

To (2), I did that too, actually. I have had many conversations with him, one being about the undermining of my authority, and another about how he treats people. He apologized to me once about that, but continues to act that way anyway.

To (3), he is good at what he does and has had more experience in "Yearbook" than I. Being a senior, I like to believe I am more mature and that was partially why I was made Co-Editor-in-Chief. The advisor has already addressed Joe privately after the meeting. I am nearly powerless in this more "business-like" situation and can only rely on my personal interaction with Joe to resolve this issue. OH, and I did forget to mention that even though Joe is more experienced than me in Yearbook overall, he and I both acquired editor positions at the same time and all of my concerns about his page were validated by the Co-Editor-in-Chief and the advisor. The Co-Editor-in-Chief management works in a different way here, though; each Co-Editor-in-Chief manages a separate half of the Yearbook and we do communicate to ensure overall quality and continuity.


Thanks for your input, Dimitri! :)

[Dimitri]

Then personally I would drop him, he, in my honest opinion is not worth the hassle. But this is my opinion, you can also go to your guidance counselor, they are trained to deal with problems, they should be able to help you.

[TheHumanSpirit]

Then personally I would drop him, he, in my honest opinion is not worth the hassle. But this is my opinion, you can also go to your guidance counselor, they are trained to deal with problems, they should be able to help you.

Thanks. This is something I need to hear from other people because I can't help thinking that there's something I'm doing wrong. I have carefully considered this option and perhaps I will need to talk to Joe about changing his ways or the friendship is over.

Also, forgive me for being blunt, but our guidance counselors seem to lack any real "guidance" or "counseling." They seem to only want to help us with issues related to getting into college, and even then they seem to lack the knowledge required to answer most of our questions and we usually end up resorting to internet searches for answers.

[Dimitri]

Right on man, more power to yah, if you ever need anything else let me know, I am almost always on here someway somehow.

[TheHumanSpirit]

haha okay, cool. Thanks bro. =)

[Dimitri]

haha okay, cool. Thanks bro. =)

No problem man, come at me bro!!!! :coolthumb:

[TheHumanSpirit]

Ah, actually, one more thing I need advice on. We're having a "Yearbook-related" meeting soon (currently on break) at my house and we start school after. Joe and a few of our other yearbook best-friends should be here. I don't think it would be appropriate to settle a private matter like this at a business-oriented meeting, but then again, would it be odd for me to bring up such a matter so soon after the meeting, at school?

I don't want Joe to feel like I'm being fake during the meeting, and then attacking him about what's going on so soon after at school. But, I don't really want to confront Joe about these issues at the meeting. What do you think? Settle private matters at school one-on-one, or settle this matter as soon as possible (at a business-oriented meeting) one-on-one?

[Dimitri]

I don't want Joe to feel like I'm being fake during the meeting, and then attacking him about what's going on so soon after at school. But, I don't really want to confront Joe about these issues at the meeting. What do you think? Settle private matters at school one-on-one, or settle this matter as soon as possible (at a business-oriented meeting) one-on-one?

I personally think that I would rather do it before the meeting, ask him to come early or you can do it at school....but it still needs to be done. Talk to your parents about it....they have had their own experiences dealing with people.

[TheHumanSpirit]

I personally think that I would rather do it before the meeting, ask him to come early or you can do it at school....but it still needs to be done. Talk to your parents about it....they have had their own experiences dealing with people.

Yeah, reasons why I was more inclined to deal with it at school was because it isn't really a neutral environment (since it's my house) and if I do it before the meeting, he'll probably feel uncomfortable during the meeting.

[Dimitri]

Yeah, reasons why I was more inclined to deal with it at school was because it isn't really a neutral environment (since it's my house) and if I do it before the meeting, he'll probably feel uncomfortable during the meeting.

Yes, school is neutral, if you talk to him before the meeting he will have some time to think.

Personally if he cannot grow up and act his age, you know, be a little more professional about this then he isn't needed. If you are not part of the solution then you are either the problem or part of it.

I would drop his ass, this is a metaphorical business, just like if an employee isn't putting out then you give him/her a chance (You have and he hasn't changed, check) then you need to get rid of him.

[TheHumanSpirit]

Hmm, that makes sense. I will have to think about how I'm going to talk to him then. Any ideas? I don't want to say the wrong thing and with his personality, one has to be very careful.

[Dimitri]

Personally I would have the other editor with me, your friend and I would do it together. You need to sit down and say, "we need to talk," it has been brought to my attention through the use of for actions....blah blah blah" and go from there.

Also, talk with your advisor, the teacher in charge of the Yearbook and get their input, they NEED to be a part of this or shit can happen and get real real man, like cutting might take place HEHEHEHEHE....

[TheHumanSpirit]

Personally I would have the other editor with me, your friend and I would do it together. You need to sit down and say, "we need to talk," it has been brought to my attention through the use of for actions....blah blah blah" and go from there.

Also, talk with your advisor, the teacher in charge of the Yearbook and get their input, they NEED to be a part of this or shit can happen and get real real man, like cutting might take place HEHEHEHEHE....

lmao. Well, the Co-Editor-in-Chief seems to think we're both to blame because of the way we act and has even said this to both of us. She could only tell me what I do wrong is "react" to the situation. Well, I'm not sure that's a bad thing?

I feel like this situation might be more on the personal side than yearbook, and that's where I find my confusion. I don't want to make this any more of a business-related issue if it's majorly personal, which is also why I was considering school versus the meeting.

[Dimitri]

I feel like this situation might be more on the personal side than yearbook, and that's where I find my confusion. I don't want to make this any more of a business-related issue if it's majorly personal, which is also why I was considering school versus the meeting.

Hmmm, well, then it might be better to just talk to the school counselor about this.

[TheHumanSpirit]

Hmmm, well, then it might be better to just talk to the school counselor about this.

Maybe, but I'm trying to find the advantages of talking to one of our school's counselors about this sort of situation.

I mean, right now I'm leaning toward talking to him about it at lunch and then I'll end up hanging with some other friends while he thinks about whether he wants to start acting like a friend or not.

[Dimitri]

Maybe, but I'm trying to find the advantages of talking to one of our school's counselors about this sort of situation.

I mean, right now I'm leaning toward talking to him about it at lunch and then I'll end up hanging with some other friends while he thinks about whether he wants to start acting like a friend or not.

Go for it man....godspeed, I am here if you ever need to chat....

[TheHumanSpirit]

Go for it man....godspeed, I am here if you ever need to chat....

Thanks. :cool: I just texted the Co-ed best friend and she was busy, but she asked what it was about and I told her it was about "Joe." She hasn't replied, so maybe she doesn't want to hear it (or she's too busy to respond), lol. I'll fill her in on the details if she responds, but I also feel like that's going behind Joe's back. -_-

[Dimitri]

but I also feel like that's going behind Joe's back. -_-

Hey man, shit happens, sometimes you get the shit sandwich and sometime you just get the shit without the bread...let me know if you need anything, my info is on my profile, I am going to bed, it is past one here. NIght!!!!

[TheHumanSpirit]

Hey man, shit happens, sometimes you get the shit sandwich and sometime you just get the shit without the bread...let me know if you need anything, my info is on my profile, I am going to bed, it is past one here. NIght!!!!

Hahaha true dat! Aight, night man. Thanks for all the help!


EDIT: Wow, a whole new set of problems just appeared. -__-

[Rage of the Menace]

I'm a narcissist, if you have any questions on how we think, just ask me. I'm trying to get myself fixed up, it's really destroying my social life.