scottnesss
January 5th, 2012, 07:22 PM
i have no idea where exactly this fits, so ill put it here. if it needs moved sorry, if i have broken any rules, i apologise completely xx
ok, this post is going to be long and is really a venting/ranting post but there is a question at the end. sorry if it bores you. it may also become a tad mixed up at some points
when i was 13, i had an amazing friend, the two of us were practically joined at the hip. he and i were in almost all the same classes together, we would meet up all the time; we were best friends. one night i was staying over at his as normal but then before we went to bed he asked if i wanted to play truth or dare i said sure and we did, this led from one thing to another and the rest they say is history. we were each others first gay kiss and indeed first gay anything. we swore to try and forget it all but it didnt work. these 'sleep overs' happened about 3-4 times a month and eventually, TorD was ignored and we just messed about this went on for about year and it was around then that i realised that i had fallen madly in love with my friend and started to realise i was gay, or at least liked boys. I would light up when i saw him, i would smile uncontrollably and blabber nonsense when i was around him; it was a typical 'schoolgirl' crush. we continued to 'sleep over' 3-4 times a month.
i had low self confidence as it was and and with the added confusion of working out what my sexuality was exactly, i was a mess but when i was with him i felt safe and perfect and for a while, i wasnt so down on myself. then around october 2010 my friend turned on me, with no warning. he would degrade me everyday, throw things at me, push me, throw me about and find every possible way to make my life hell. friends saw it as 'having a laugh' or 'play fighting' since the two of us had always been so close but to me it was a nightmare. it got so bad that i would physically shake at the sight of him or go pale at the thought of being in a class with him. i frequently skipped school so as to avoid seeing him and therefore whatever torture he had planned for me that day. my grades started to slip and my days and nights were filled with ways of avoiding him or trying to figure out why it was happening.
I turned to self harm because it gave me control over my emotions; it took control of my pain away from him. i cut because i felt i deserved it because i had to have done something to him to deserve how he was treating me and all the time i didnt tell anyone or do anything about him because i loved him.
i started to starve myself and aim to get to 6 stone because as he frequently told me, i was fat. i went from 9 stone to 7 to try and make myself thinner for him. Then, in the February of 2010, i decided enough was enough and i stood up to him, i made him talk to me and the reason he gave me for all the shit he had put me through was: "i needed someone to be mean to; your pain made me feel better". that showed me his true colours and i decided that i was going to forget about my feelings for him and move on.
i did just that. in a few weeks, i was changed, i was happy and smiling again. i joined a few clubs and social sites, i started to regain my confidence. the two of us didnt speak for a while, then in the august of 2010, just before we were to go back to school after summer, he text me saying he wanted to meet up, so i being the trusting person i often am,against the advice of two close friends, decided to give him a chance. we met up, we talked and we became closer again (from enemies to acquaintance's would be the best way to describe it)
we started to chat in school again, pointless silly chats that never meant anything. we met up a few more times, maybe 4 times between the august and october. then, on the night of parents night, he asked to come over for a while, he said he wanted to apologise and with our parents out at the school, i thought it might be a good idea. i asked my boyfriend if he was ok with it all and he said he was so my friend came over.
we talked then we played xbox and eventually we started to talk about our (if you can call it this) two year relationship. i broke down and cried to him about everything, all my built up anger towards him, all my feelings were let loose and he accepted them and even though i kept apologising, he told me that i deserved to be shouting at him and hitting him and more after what he had done to me. after this, we both started to open up to each other again, talking like we had 2 years ago. we talked about our boyfriends, our hopes and dreams and it was good. however, a slight sexual tension built up between us, but this was ignored
eventually the time for him to head home arrived and as he was about to leave, he kissed me and for a moment i did nothing, i froze. i had moved on i remember thinking, he knows i have a boyfriend, he has a boyfriend! why is he kissing me?
he broke away and said to me: "i shouldn't have done that. we both have boy friends. but still..." he broke away and left.
i felt the need to include that last part about him kissing me because it brings me to a sort of point in this ranting/venting post.
why did he kiss me?
we haven't talked or met up since then apart from the polite niceties in school and whenever we have ended up sitting next to each other, we both get awkward and fidgety. i fear i wont ever know why he kissed me, but after all the shit i have gone through because of him and given that we are both in happy relationships, i dont think i want to know why he did. iv decided i can look back on our time together as nothing more than 2 years of meaningless one night stands.
ok, this post is going to be long and is really a venting/ranting post but there is a question at the end. sorry if it bores you. it may also become a tad mixed up at some points
when i was 13, i had an amazing friend, the two of us were practically joined at the hip. he and i were in almost all the same classes together, we would meet up all the time; we were best friends. one night i was staying over at his as normal but then before we went to bed he asked if i wanted to play truth or dare i said sure and we did, this led from one thing to another and the rest they say is history. we were each others first gay kiss and indeed first gay anything. we swore to try and forget it all but it didnt work. these 'sleep overs' happened about 3-4 times a month and eventually, TorD was ignored and we just messed about this went on for about year and it was around then that i realised that i had fallen madly in love with my friend and started to realise i was gay, or at least liked boys. I would light up when i saw him, i would smile uncontrollably and blabber nonsense when i was around him; it was a typical 'schoolgirl' crush. we continued to 'sleep over' 3-4 times a month.
i had low self confidence as it was and and with the added confusion of working out what my sexuality was exactly, i was a mess but when i was with him i felt safe and perfect and for a while, i wasnt so down on myself. then around october 2010 my friend turned on me, with no warning. he would degrade me everyday, throw things at me, push me, throw me about and find every possible way to make my life hell. friends saw it as 'having a laugh' or 'play fighting' since the two of us had always been so close but to me it was a nightmare. it got so bad that i would physically shake at the sight of him or go pale at the thought of being in a class with him. i frequently skipped school so as to avoid seeing him and therefore whatever torture he had planned for me that day. my grades started to slip and my days and nights were filled with ways of avoiding him or trying to figure out why it was happening.
I turned to self harm because it gave me control over my emotions; it took control of my pain away from him. i cut because i felt i deserved it because i had to have done something to him to deserve how he was treating me and all the time i didnt tell anyone or do anything about him because i loved him.
i started to starve myself and aim to get to 6 stone because as he frequently told me, i was fat. i went from 9 stone to 7 to try and make myself thinner for him. Then, in the February of 2010, i decided enough was enough and i stood up to him, i made him talk to me and the reason he gave me for all the shit he had put me through was: "i needed someone to be mean to; your pain made me feel better". that showed me his true colours and i decided that i was going to forget about my feelings for him and move on.
i did just that. in a few weeks, i was changed, i was happy and smiling again. i joined a few clubs and social sites, i started to regain my confidence. the two of us didnt speak for a while, then in the august of 2010, just before we were to go back to school after summer, he text me saying he wanted to meet up, so i being the trusting person i often am,against the advice of two close friends, decided to give him a chance. we met up, we talked and we became closer again (from enemies to acquaintance's would be the best way to describe it)
we started to chat in school again, pointless silly chats that never meant anything. we met up a few more times, maybe 4 times between the august and october. then, on the night of parents night, he asked to come over for a while, he said he wanted to apologise and with our parents out at the school, i thought it might be a good idea. i asked my boyfriend if he was ok with it all and he said he was so my friend came over.
we talked then we played xbox and eventually we started to talk about our (if you can call it this) two year relationship. i broke down and cried to him about everything, all my built up anger towards him, all my feelings were let loose and he accepted them and even though i kept apologising, he told me that i deserved to be shouting at him and hitting him and more after what he had done to me. after this, we both started to open up to each other again, talking like we had 2 years ago. we talked about our boyfriends, our hopes and dreams and it was good. however, a slight sexual tension built up between us, but this was ignored
eventually the time for him to head home arrived and as he was about to leave, he kissed me and for a moment i did nothing, i froze. i had moved on i remember thinking, he knows i have a boyfriend, he has a boyfriend! why is he kissing me?
he broke away and said to me: "i shouldn't have done that. we both have boy friends. but still..." he broke away and left.
i felt the need to include that last part about him kissing me because it brings me to a sort of point in this ranting/venting post.
why did he kiss me?
we haven't talked or met up since then apart from the polite niceties in school and whenever we have ended up sitting next to each other, we both get awkward and fidgety. i fear i wont ever know why he kissed me, but after all the shit i have gone through because of him and given that we are both in happy relationships, i dont think i want to know why he did. iv decided i can look back on our time together as nothing more than 2 years of meaningless one night stands.