Virginity?

[jrohas]

Before I say anything else, I know my opinion is not really fair, but I'd like suggestions from people who have been in similar situations, and I just needed to get this off of my chest.

My girlfriend of three months and I are getting close to having sex. We're both high school seniors and love each other; I'm confident that I want to have sex for all the right reasons. I'm a virgin. I've always thought that my girlfriend was a virgin, given the way she acts in public and her knowledge about sexual stuff, but I'm having second thoughts now because of some recent stuff I've learned.

She's had quite a few exes (at least more than I'm comfortable with), and I've heard some rumors about "her being crazy in bed" from random girls in my grade who don't even know her. The rumors are probably bullshit, since my girlfriend really acts innocent and stuff, but they're still enough to get my mind going. The other thing is she's a really good kisser (at least to me, I really don't have much experience), which sounds a little ridiculous basing judging virginity off of that, I know.

But as we get closer and closer to having sex, the more I start to get paranoid about her not being a virgin or at least having been with a lot of guys. I know it's not good for me to think/judge based on past guys, but it's really hard to get the idea out of my head; I want me to be her first if she's my first, and I hate hate HATE thinking about her with any other guy.

So my questions are, how do I make myself less paranoid about this? Should I bring this concern up to her, or would it just offend her? Is there a way to ask her if she's a virgin without it being too awkward (I'm semi-afraid of the answer, but I also just want to put my mind at ease either way)?

Thanks! Hope I don't sound like too much of a scumbag!

[melia_allen]

hmmm... well i can tell you some stuff... i don't act innoccent and i am a virgin i have been lots of guys. i know that doesn't help. but I guess what i can say is that just be straight forward with her ask her if she is. And if she isn't that shouldn't matter cause you two love each other. Tell her what is bothering you, and be completely honest. and also don't hold back. Just speak your mind. and you do not shound like a scumbag you sound like a concerned boyfriend who is curious and there is nothing wrong with that. Just don't let the answer break it. Good Luck! ( Don't listen to what other people say, they say stuff to make thier life more interesting)

[kenoloor]

First of all, what difference does it make?
Second of all, if you're "close to having sex," how has this not come up before?
Third of all, "more exes than I'm comfortable with" ...wait, really?! That seems rather possessive of you.
Fourth of all, what difference does it make?!

[melia_allen]

okay that is a tad bit harsh Brandi. come on he is sensitive on the subject as it is jeez.. right now he needs positvity not negitive.

[Manga]

First of all, what difference does it make?
Second of all, if you're "close to having sex," how has this not come up before?
Third of all, "more exes than I'm comfortable with" ...wait, really?! That seems rather possessive of you.
Fourth of all, what difference does it make?!

1. It makes a lot of a difference. I wouldn't want my first to be with a girl who has had sex with lots of guys, it's gross in my opinion and says you have low value to your body, which is not something I admire. I don't care if you are my friend have sex a lot, but I don't want my partner being that way. Being each other's first also helps with an emotional bond.

2. I agree, how has this not come up? Unless you are incompetent and afraid to ask her about it, which in my opinion is the right thing to do. Just slide it in casually and be polite so you don't hurt her feelings.

3. How many exes you have can say a lot about your lifestyle and how you treat relationships (granted, this is not for ALL people, there are quite a few cases that it is just generally bad luck). I don't want a girlfriend who had dated 50 other men in the past two years. It would feel like she doesn't know what an actual relationship really is.

4. You already asked this.




So my questions are, how do I make myself less paranoid about this? Should I bring this concern up to her, or would it just offend her? Is there a way to ask her if she's a virgin without it being too awkward (I'm semi-afraid of the answer, but I also just want to put my mind at ease either way)?

Thanks! Hope I don't sound like too much of a scumbag!

You sound fine mate, you have every right to be asking/thinking these questions. I suggest you make yourself less paranoid about this by bringing it up with her. Be polite and casual about it, but make sure you get a serious response. Just ask her about the rumors and then once she confirms/denies them, ask her about how many guys she has been with, and then ask her if she is a virgin. That is probably the best transition of the questions, just be casual with it and let her know you care about this because you care about her and your relationship together.

Goodluck mate, and be sure to post what happens if you try this.

[kenoloor]

1. It makes a lot of a difference. I wouldn't want my first to be with a girl who has had sex with lots of guys, it's gross in my opinion and says you have low value to your body, which is not something I admire. I don't care if you are my friend have sex a lot, but I don't want my partner being that way. Being each other's first also helps with an emotional bond.

2. I agree, how has this not come up? Unless you are incompetent and afraid to ask her about it, which in my opinion is the right thing to do. Just slide it in casually and be polite so you don't hurt her feelings.

3. How many exes you have can say a lot about your lifestyle and how you treat relationships (granted, this is not for ALL people, there are quite a few cases that it is just generally bad luck). I don't want a girlfriend who had dated 50 other men in the past two years. It would feel like she doesn't know what an actual relationship really is.

4. You already asked this.

1. No it doesn't. Sex isn't demeaning unless you make it such. Virginity is a completely arbitrary thing. It's not special or unique in any way. Everybody had it, and virtually everybody will lose it. What the hell difference does it make if it's one person or another? "I'm breaking up with you because you've had sex and I haven't." lolwut

2. Asking her is a good plan of action. Communication between couples, especially if you are pursuing a sexual relationship, is key. I can't stress that enough. I don't necessarily think it's something that has to be slid into a conversation or something sneaky. If you're uncomfortable talking about sex, what makes you think you'd be comfortable having it? Have a mature discussion about it.

3. Not really. I know people who have had a bajillion relationships and never got past holding hands, and I know people who have had two relationships and they've fucked every which way that you could think of. What matter is here and now. If you're preoccupied with the past, you probably aren't going to have much of a future with that person.

4. That was to emphasize how he's blowing a trivial detail way out of proportion.

[screamtobeheard]

Sex is a controversial subject that people have differing views on. There's no need to attack each other over this question.

To the OP: I think you should just be straightforward with her and ask her. If you're really ready, you should have no problem asking. If you can't ask, then you're not ready. My boyfriend asked me awhile ago, and it wasn't awkward at all. Don't worry so much. Relax. It will end up alright.

[melia_allen]

how is virginity not special or unique in any way? the person or people are saving it for the person that the truely love. and thank you Amanda. I don't see how it got into a debate. we can all have our own opinions and that is what he is asking us for... and i am not meaning to have an argument with the question i just asked.

[screamtobeheard]

how is virginity not special or unique in any way? the person or people are saving it for the person that the truely love. and thank you Amanda. I don't see how it got into a debate. we can all have our own opinions and that is what he is asking us for... and i am not meaning to have an argument with the question i just asked.

I think virginity means different things to different people. It all depends on the culture, religion, and general attitudes that you were raised around. To you, virginity is clearly special. To someone else, it may mean nothing. It all depends on your raising.

[melia_allen]

okay :)

[jockguy14]

Well you want your girlfriend to be a virgin right? And, don't you think that her future boyfriends and your future girlfriends would want you to be a virgin as well? Just like you did. So, why not wait until you might be at the point where you are closer to sticking with this person forever? It will help you guys out. Three months may seem like a long time, but man that's pretty short in looking at your entire life and your future.

[Gordo]

If you were one of my buds, this is what I'd tell you:

What are you thinking? Thinking that! If you have sex with her, it's about you plural, not you singular. I think you're going down the wrong path if you're going to believe the rumor mill and ask her how many guys she's been with.

I think you have a right to ask about her virginity, because you may want to lose yours with someone who is also losing theirs. That's a fair question, when you say why it's important. And then, that's it!!!

If she isn't a virgin, I don't think you should ask how many guys she's had intercourse with because it sounds like you are ready for a conflict if the answer isn't zero. No need for conflict over this. Maybe the guys she's been with were HJs or BJs.

So no problem with you wanting to know if shes a virgin, but you have to politely accept whatever her answer is and it's okay to say, you know what, I wanted to do it another virgin, so maybe this isn't gonna work...


if you don't come across as nice when you ask and when you find out about her status, then I'd probably tell ya yer gonna be a virgin for a while longer. If your a senior, tick tock, not a lot of virgins out there.

[Short Circuit]

Personally, I do not think you should ask her if she is a virgin or not, unless you are prepared for the answer NO.

I have stated on this forum before, there are no 14 year old female virgins where I live! So what if she has had sex before? As long as she does not start comparing you to other boyfriends, it should not matter.

Ask yourself this, IF you have sex with her, you will no longer be a virgin YES? Well what if the girl you marry is a virgin, would she expect you to be the same?

If a bloke messes around, he is a player, if a female does the same, she is a Ho, double standards and all that?

[Eclipsical]

If you love her it shouldnt matter. What's done is done. People have multiple partners throghuout their lives(well most).

The point is that she's with you. Not them.

..and if she isn't a virgin...at least you don't need to experience the various "ows" and looks of discomfort that sometimes happens for a girl's first time.