deadpie
January 2nd, 2012, 08:06 PM
Written recently. Not for the faint of heart. Rep points to the first person to figure out what the title is a reference to. There's also a part that's sort of X rated too, so be mature when reading and not get turned at all, you perverted scumfucks! Also, if there's enough people showing interest, I'll turn this into a series possibly.
License To Confuse
Jeremy climbs up to the sofa, pulls a silver pipe out from one of the cushions and hands it to me with the typical relaxed smile on his face. I take it from him, sit down and say, “I've got four days to get this damn report written out and published. If this bastard isn't nailed and humiliated we'll be fucked for sure.”
The television is muted with the face of Montgomery Handlewash blabbering his nonsense with spit spewing out of his mouth onto the reels of the camera for all watching to see. This is the man I'm meant to take down. I've been working for a controversial newspaper for five years now entitled, 'The Butchingson Post'. This man has lobbied millions of dollars to terrorist organizations, written books for children where he bashes animal rights and is also for the execution of anyone that's not a Christian.
I know every detail and nasty thing this man has said and done, but there's just one last thing I need to pull the trigger on his garbage existence. Later tonight I'll meet with a lady who works on his news station, who will leak me something that she calls the most vilely evil bones she knows about in his closet. She's a twenty four year old redhead with a body that I'm sure Monet would of fascinated about when painting, although, she has a lot of Goya painted underneath her skin for sure.
“Well, I guess it's about that time”, I say giggling to myself. “You can change the channel.”
He keeps staring at me, then itches at his chest while yawning. I pull out a small bag of nice thick sticky icky purple pot clunked in one corner, pinch a piece of it and put in my pipe, pull my miniature lighter out, and take a nice long hit. The smoke sinks into my lungs and breezes out my nose, then I do this process a few more times until I'm feeling a little more relaxed.
“You want any green, Jeremy?”
I stand up, place my pipe on the table, shove the bag and lighter back in my pocket and rush to the kitchen to grab a gigantic bag of fresh leafs. There's enough for about a week, although he has the tree outside in the backyard to eat off of too. Jeremy is a fourteen year old three toed sloth with an average body size. When I was living in Costa Rica I found this sloth on the side of the road and I decided to take him in as my pet.
“Watch over the house for me”, I say. “I'll be back in a few hours.”
He catches the bag and rips it open with his claws, dumping the leaves on himself and placing one in his mouth. I smile to myself, leave the house and start walking down the sidewalk.
This job I've done working was given to me when I was only seventeen after I graduated College with a Bachelors in Writing. I'm only twenty two and I've already written eight papers that have helped change the country as we know it. Scumbags, politicians, and corrupt entrepreneurs alike; I've exposed many and been one of the few faces known for this decades most important humans alive.
After six miles of hills I finally reach the restaurant that the woman said she would meet me at. I step inside, look over the tables and see the only beautiful redhead I know there; Sabrina. She waves to signal where she is and I go over to her, sit down and ask, “How are you doing on this fine day?”
“Quite well”, she answers. “I spent the entire morning rearranging my bra racket and expect sexual intercourse from you later tonight. Before that I'd like to help you though. Where should we start?”
“Well, how about with the big leak I've been looking for? I hope you brought evidence with you.”
She gives me a funny smirk, pulls out a tape and a few sheets of paper. I swiftly take them under the table, sitting the items on my lap and she explains, “There's a bill that could be passed that lets the Military kill our own citizens whenever and however they want with no court order at all. It was attempted to be passed around fifty years ago, but failed. Now that it has a chance to come back in order and with the corruption right now, it's very possible to happen. The Military is connected to Montgomery according to that paper and will let him take out any person that he wants. If he can do this, he'll have the same amount of power as the highest powers themselves with not a single person knowing about it. If he's not exposed, I will have to cut his throat wide open myself.”
I've known about this bill and any logical being knows what this act can do to our Country permanently, but I would never think Montgomery would be this insane or be this connected to corruption. Every other thing I have on him is just candy compared to this.
“Now the tape I have you will reveal him admitting every single word of this to me”, she continues. “I know what this will do to my career and possibly put my life in danger, but it's for the greater good. You're the one I'm revealing this information to because this world needs a hero that will constantly stand up for its humans.”
The insane high makes me start spinning in circles while sitting down. I'm completely in shock and can't wait to wear this fuckers skin as a coat. I grab her arm and say, “Fuck the food, let's go to my place, have intercourse, and finish this paper.”
She grabs at my cheek, kissing me and says, “Thank you Cody, you genius fucking fucker, you fucking fuck of a fucker, fucking fuck, I can't wait until you fucking fuck my fucking cunt. Let's get the fucking fuck out of of this mother fucking piece of fuck.”
I put the tape into my right pocket, holding the paper in one of my hands and we run out of the restaurant back towards my house. We finally get there and I open the door for her, looking around the living room for Jeremy. Sabrina asks me, “Why is there leaves all over your sofa?”
“That would be my buddy Jeremy”, I inform. “He's a sloth and doesn't eat much other than leafs, fruit, grass, and bugs on occasions.”
Jeremy comes slowly crawling from the hallway and smiles at the two of us. I grab Sabrina's tits and say, “It's about time we fuck.”
My phone starts ringing and I dig through my pockets for it, but can't find it. I bother the ringing and keep squeezing at her breasts while she unzips my pants.
Out of nowhere, the door kicks open and a man in black with a white ski mask holding a machine gun pointed at us yells, “Put your mother fucking hands up you scum fucking cocksuckers!”
I jump towards him, both of us falling towards the floor, then I grab his gun from out of his hands, hit him with the butt of the gun and fire an entire cartridge of two hundred bullets into his face.
Dammit, now I can't ask him questions or figure out who the hell he is because his head is completely missing. There's also a deep black hole full of bullets where the carpet and his head used to be, which will definitely be expensive to fix.
“Holy shit”, Sabrina yells. “What the flying fuck was that?”
“I don't know. The only rational thing I can think of is that somehow Montgomery found out you had the information and is trying to kill us both. Of course, I'm jumping to conclusions, but I've never had someone break in my house.”
There's a load of cartridges in the beheaded douches jacket that I pull out. I reload, tell Jeremy to put the house under lock down and calm Sabrina down by sitting her on the sofa and letting her eat some Woman's Yogurt. She downs that shit pretty fast and I realize I have nothing else to really please her with, because my chances of getting laid with her are also gone now that she's in a state of shock.
Jeremy finally meets me in the kitchen and uses his eyes to open the security lock next to the fridge, which puts the house under complete lock down. From the outside the entire house is covered in the strongest steel on the planet.
I walk back to the living room and ask, “Are you ok? My carpet definitely isn't. You better let me pity fuck you some other day though after all of this garbage is through.”
“Enough of that”, she says. “It's time to finish up that article, send it to your writer and get the fucker destroyed already. If we don't do it in time, they'll find a way to get to us and they'll literally crucify us upside down on national television while shooting water guns full of horse semen.”
“Oh fuck, I remember when they did that to Guy Guyerson. You're right. I'll grab my laptop and we'll put this shit together.”
By the time I've grabbed my laptop out of my bedroom Jeremy has already made his way back on the sofa eating more leafs. I pull up the unfinished document, set the tape player and paper near her and say, “You finish the report. I'm fucking lazy, tired, and need to get a little more stoned. While you do that, I'll slowly scrub at the blood on the carpet.”
I look back over at the body. There's no way I'm cleaning that shit up and there's no way the pot I have will be enough to keep me sane for right now.
Sabrina's finished after three minutes of typing and I over look the paper, send it to my boss, then say, “Now that we're done, I guess I can get some sleep.”
And that's exactly what I do. I fall asleep on Sabrina's chest why she rests head on my head. It's about thirty minutes until I wake up, completely bored of my sleep because REM is taking forever to get to, so I slap Sabrina in the face to wake her up.
“Wake up, bitch”, I yell. “I'm fucking bored and you're just sitting there. We need to do wacky shit while waiting for the paper to be published.”
She yawns and picks her nose, then pulls her shirt off which reveals that she was never wearing a bra in the first place, which is strange because she said she was rearranging her bras earlier. I look over to Jeremy who's sleeping while hanging from the ceiling fan spinning in circles, then decide to smack my lips all over her face and gigantic tits.
“Oh wow, that feels great what you're doing there with your tongue. Why don't you take off those purple pants of yours?”
I pull my head back from her breasts, fall down onto the carpet almost falling on the corpse, then throw my pants off. She jumps onto me with one hand on my tighty whities and the other over my entire face.
“Just to warn you, I haven't had sex in four months”, I say with caution. “You will be destroyed by the power of my cock.”
“Good. I want there to be an entire genocide on my pubic hair with soldiers chopping off little toddlers legs and puking down their throats. You better fuck me so hard that I die, come back to life as a zombie, then die again because my fucking brains explode.”
And I do just that. I fuck her like as if my dick was the Titanic wanting to directly slam into the ice berg again and again, because everyone on board is a suicidal maniac wanting to die. When we're done fucking the sofa is in the kitchen, Jeremy is smoking all of my pot while sitting on the television, the corpse has been squashed into that tiny hole I made when firing bullets into the fuckers skull, and all of the leafs that Jeremy eats are symmetrically glued to the ceiling.
“Damn”, Sabrina gasps. “That was the craziest sex I've ever had in my entire life. If only I could live that moment every single day.”
I walk up to Jeremy and grab the pipe from him, smoke an entire bowl in one hit, then ask, “What time is it? I think we can turn on the television now and see if that fucker is still alive.”
She walks to the kitchen to grab the remote out of one of the cushions, then turns it to channel 777, “Fuck News”. A man wearing a fox costume with a target painted on his shirt is sitting at a table, screaming out, “Mont-motherfucking-Gomery Handle-fucking-wash is going to be executed live in less than forty five seconds on this channel right now! In fact, it's going to happen in this very room! After a report by Butchingson written by Cody Waber the world went out in outrage. There were riots and countries were ready to bomb themselves for no apparent fucking reason! A mass amount of Muslims killed themselves and a mass amount of Jews spun a building sized toy in Israel to predict how to react.”
The camera zoomed out and spun to the left showing Handlewash on his knees tied up with a firing squad on the opposite side. They counted to three and fired their bullets until their rounds were done for, then they all started urinating on his body.
“Well”, I excitingly express with my voice in a semi-sarcastic sounding voice while not attempting to be sarcastic in any way-shape or form at all. “Now that that's over, what do we do?”
She looks at me stupefied and simply answers, “We get married, have children, and be known as the hero's of the World. With what we done we make Gandhi and Mother Theresa look like Zombie Hitler.”
I started thinking about it. Marriage at this time wouldn't be that bad of an idea. Neither would having children of our own and Sabrina would be the perfect woman to be with forever.
Jeremy crawls down from the television, hugs at my leg and smiles up at me. I look at Sabrina, kiss her and whisper, “Forever; Jeremy, me and you will be side by side by side with more sides later on when we have children. I love you more than anything.”
License To Confuse
Jeremy climbs up to the sofa, pulls a silver pipe out from one of the cushions and hands it to me with the typical relaxed smile on his face. I take it from him, sit down and say, “I've got four days to get this damn report written out and published. If this bastard isn't nailed and humiliated we'll be fucked for sure.”
The television is muted with the face of Montgomery Handlewash blabbering his nonsense with spit spewing out of his mouth onto the reels of the camera for all watching to see. This is the man I'm meant to take down. I've been working for a controversial newspaper for five years now entitled, 'The Butchingson Post'. This man has lobbied millions of dollars to terrorist organizations, written books for children where he bashes animal rights and is also for the execution of anyone that's not a Christian.
I know every detail and nasty thing this man has said and done, but there's just one last thing I need to pull the trigger on his garbage existence. Later tonight I'll meet with a lady who works on his news station, who will leak me something that she calls the most vilely evil bones she knows about in his closet. She's a twenty four year old redhead with a body that I'm sure Monet would of fascinated about when painting, although, she has a lot of Goya painted underneath her skin for sure.
“Well, I guess it's about that time”, I say giggling to myself. “You can change the channel.”
He keeps staring at me, then itches at his chest while yawning. I pull out a small bag of nice thick sticky icky purple pot clunked in one corner, pinch a piece of it and put in my pipe, pull my miniature lighter out, and take a nice long hit. The smoke sinks into my lungs and breezes out my nose, then I do this process a few more times until I'm feeling a little more relaxed.
“You want any green, Jeremy?”
I stand up, place my pipe on the table, shove the bag and lighter back in my pocket and rush to the kitchen to grab a gigantic bag of fresh leafs. There's enough for about a week, although he has the tree outside in the backyard to eat off of too. Jeremy is a fourteen year old three toed sloth with an average body size. When I was living in Costa Rica I found this sloth on the side of the road and I decided to take him in as my pet.
“Watch over the house for me”, I say. “I'll be back in a few hours.”
He catches the bag and rips it open with his claws, dumping the leaves on himself and placing one in his mouth. I smile to myself, leave the house and start walking down the sidewalk.
This job I've done working was given to me when I was only seventeen after I graduated College with a Bachelors in Writing. I'm only twenty two and I've already written eight papers that have helped change the country as we know it. Scumbags, politicians, and corrupt entrepreneurs alike; I've exposed many and been one of the few faces known for this decades most important humans alive.
After six miles of hills I finally reach the restaurant that the woman said she would meet me at. I step inside, look over the tables and see the only beautiful redhead I know there; Sabrina. She waves to signal where she is and I go over to her, sit down and ask, “How are you doing on this fine day?”
“Quite well”, she answers. “I spent the entire morning rearranging my bra racket and expect sexual intercourse from you later tonight. Before that I'd like to help you though. Where should we start?”
“Well, how about with the big leak I've been looking for? I hope you brought evidence with you.”
She gives me a funny smirk, pulls out a tape and a few sheets of paper. I swiftly take them under the table, sitting the items on my lap and she explains, “There's a bill that could be passed that lets the Military kill our own citizens whenever and however they want with no court order at all. It was attempted to be passed around fifty years ago, but failed. Now that it has a chance to come back in order and with the corruption right now, it's very possible to happen. The Military is connected to Montgomery according to that paper and will let him take out any person that he wants. If he can do this, he'll have the same amount of power as the highest powers themselves with not a single person knowing about it. If he's not exposed, I will have to cut his throat wide open myself.”
I've known about this bill and any logical being knows what this act can do to our Country permanently, but I would never think Montgomery would be this insane or be this connected to corruption. Every other thing I have on him is just candy compared to this.
“Now the tape I have you will reveal him admitting every single word of this to me”, she continues. “I know what this will do to my career and possibly put my life in danger, but it's for the greater good. You're the one I'm revealing this information to because this world needs a hero that will constantly stand up for its humans.”
The insane high makes me start spinning in circles while sitting down. I'm completely in shock and can't wait to wear this fuckers skin as a coat. I grab her arm and say, “Fuck the food, let's go to my place, have intercourse, and finish this paper.”
She grabs at my cheek, kissing me and says, “Thank you Cody, you genius fucking fucker, you fucking fuck of a fucker, fucking fuck, I can't wait until you fucking fuck my fucking cunt. Let's get the fucking fuck out of of this mother fucking piece of fuck.”
I put the tape into my right pocket, holding the paper in one of my hands and we run out of the restaurant back towards my house. We finally get there and I open the door for her, looking around the living room for Jeremy. Sabrina asks me, “Why is there leaves all over your sofa?”
“That would be my buddy Jeremy”, I inform. “He's a sloth and doesn't eat much other than leafs, fruit, grass, and bugs on occasions.”
Jeremy comes slowly crawling from the hallway and smiles at the two of us. I grab Sabrina's tits and say, “It's about time we fuck.”
My phone starts ringing and I dig through my pockets for it, but can't find it. I bother the ringing and keep squeezing at her breasts while she unzips my pants.
Out of nowhere, the door kicks open and a man in black with a white ski mask holding a machine gun pointed at us yells, “Put your mother fucking hands up you scum fucking cocksuckers!”
I jump towards him, both of us falling towards the floor, then I grab his gun from out of his hands, hit him with the butt of the gun and fire an entire cartridge of two hundred bullets into his face.
Dammit, now I can't ask him questions or figure out who the hell he is because his head is completely missing. There's also a deep black hole full of bullets where the carpet and his head used to be, which will definitely be expensive to fix.
“Holy shit”, Sabrina yells. “What the flying fuck was that?”
“I don't know. The only rational thing I can think of is that somehow Montgomery found out you had the information and is trying to kill us both. Of course, I'm jumping to conclusions, but I've never had someone break in my house.”
There's a load of cartridges in the beheaded douches jacket that I pull out. I reload, tell Jeremy to put the house under lock down and calm Sabrina down by sitting her on the sofa and letting her eat some Woman's Yogurt. She downs that shit pretty fast and I realize I have nothing else to really please her with, because my chances of getting laid with her are also gone now that she's in a state of shock.
Jeremy finally meets me in the kitchen and uses his eyes to open the security lock next to the fridge, which puts the house under complete lock down. From the outside the entire house is covered in the strongest steel on the planet.
I walk back to the living room and ask, “Are you ok? My carpet definitely isn't. You better let me pity fuck you some other day though after all of this garbage is through.”
“Enough of that”, she says. “It's time to finish up that article, send it to your writer and get the fucker destroyed already. If we don't do it in time, they'll find a way to get to us and they'll literally crucify us upside down on national television while shooting water guns full of horse semen.”
“Oh fuck, I remember when they did that to Guy Guyerson. You're right. I'll grab my laptop and we'll put this shit together.”
By the time I've grabbed my laptop out of my bedroom Jeremy has already made his way back on the sofa eating more leafs. I pull up the unfinished document, set the tape player and paper near her and say, “You finish the report. I'm fucking lazy, tired, and need to get a little more stoned. While you do that, I'll slowly scrub at the blood on the carpet.”
I look back over at the body. There's no way I'm cleaning that shit up and there's no way the pot I have will be enough to keep me sane for right now.
Sabrina's finished after three minutes of typing and I over look the paper, send it to my boss, then say, “Now that we're done, I guess I can get some sleep.”
And that's exactly what I do. I fall asleep on Sabrina's chest why she rests head on my head. It's about thirty minutes until I wake up, completely bored of my sleep because REM is taking forever to get to, so I slap Sabrina in the face to wake her up.
“Wake up, bitch”, I yell. “I'm fucking bored and you're just sitting there. We need to do wacky shit while waiting for the paper to be published.”
She yawns and picks her nose, then pulls her shirt off which reveals that she was never wearing a bra in the first place, which is strange because she said she was rearranging her bras earlier. I look over to Jeremy who's sleeping while hanging from the ceiling fan spinning in circles, then decide to smack my lips all over her face and gigantic tits.
“Oh wow, that feels great what you're doing there with your tongue. Why don't you take off those purple pants of yours?”
I pull my head back from her breasts, fall down onto the carpet almost falling on the corpse, then throw my pants off. She jumps onto me with one hand on my tighty whities and the other over my entire face.
“Just to warn you, I haven't had sex in four months”, I say with caution. “You will be destroyed by the power of my cock.”
“Good. I want there to be an entire genocide on my pubic hair with soldiers chopping off little toddlers legs and puking down their throats. You better fuck me so hard that I die, come back to life as a zombie, then die again because my fucking brains explode.”
And I do just that. I fuck her like as if my dick was the Titanic wanting to directly slam into the ice berg again and again, because everyone on board is a suicidal maniac wanting to die. When we're done fucking the sofa is in the kitchen, Jeremy is smoking all of my pot while sitting on the television, the corpse has been squashed into that tiny hole I made when firing bullets into the fuckers skull, and all of the leafs that Jeremy eats are symmetrically glued to the ceiling.
“Damn”, Sabrina gasps. “That was the craziest sex I've ever had in my entire life. If only I could live that moment every single day.”
I walk up to Jeremy and grab the pipe from him, smoke an entire bowl in one hit, then ask, “What time is it? I think we can turn on the television now and see if that fucker is still alive.”
She walks to the kitchen to grab the remote out of one of the cushions, then turns it to channel 777, “Fuck News”. A man wearing a fox costume with a target painted on his shirt is sitting at a table, screaming out, “Mont-motherfucking-Gomery Handle-fucking-wash is going to be executed live in less than forty five seconds on this channel right now! In fact, it's going to happen in this very room! After a report by Butchingson written by Cody Waber the world went out in outrage. There were riots and countries were ready to bomb themselves for no apparent fucking reason! A mass amount of Muslims killed themselves and a mass amount of Jews spun a building sized toy in Israel to predict how to react.”
The camera zoomed out and spun to the left showing Handlewash on his knees tied up with a firing squad on the opposite side. They counted to three and fired their bullets until their rounds were done for, then they all started urinating on his body.
“Well”, I excitingly express with my voice in a semi-sarcastic sounding voice while not attempting to be sarcastic in any way-shape or form at all. “Now that that's over, what do we do?”
She looks at me stupefied and simply answers, “We get married, have children, and be known as the hero's of the World. With what we done we make Gandhi and Mother Theresa look like Zombie Hitler.”
I started thinking about it. Marriage at this time wouldn't be that bad of an idea. Neither would having children of our own and Sabrina would be the perfect woman to be with forever.
Jeremy crawls down from the television, hugs at my leg and smiles up at me. I look at Sabrina, kiss her and whisper, “Forever; Jeremy, me and you will be side by side by side with more sides later on when we have children. I love you more than anything.”