Rant shit.

[Magenta]

I can't even kill myself properly. I can't press down hard enough down my veins or ignore the pain. I don't get it. It doesn't hurt nearly as much as living does. So does this make me a failure yet? I spent the first hour of the new year crying and using my blades. I don't want another year. A week from now, I will have tried killing myself for the first time last year. I want to try again. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to die. I have moments where I wonder if I really want to leave but it's at night when it's worse... I'm just fucking done. No more meds, no more therapy, no more doctors and hospitals. No more being a failure. I was talking to my mum not too long ago about my grandfather's drinking. Most of my family are drunks or addicts. She lumped me in with the rest of them. I'm no use to anyone. I'm bitter and angry and sad all the time. I'm a monster and I need to die.

/end rant.

[AppealToReason]

Oh, Jo, I didn't know you felt this bad. :/
I really don't know what to say right now, as I'm not in the best state of mind, but I thought I'd post anyways so you're not alone tonight. I know, I'm useless, but please don't let your mom get to you. If I remember our conversations correctly, you're neither a drunk nor an addict, so she doesn't know what's she's saying.

[Magenta]

I'm always going to be a failure. The cuts will heal and the scars will fade but they're right there. I could press down... I could make this all stop but I can't fucking do it.

I don't understand why. I don't understand why I'm still living. A new friend was diagnosed with two types of cancer today. I sat up with her during the nights she was trying to kill herself. I tried to keep her alive and now this? Why is she the one who will probably die? I don't deserve to live and never have. Why can't I fucking die? Get hit by a truck, get sick, something, anything! I want to be there for her and I can't. Now she wants her life back... and I just want to die. What's worse is how disgusting that sounds for me to say that. My friend was diagnosed with cancer and here I am, in tears trying to kill myself.

It doesn't even matter... I just don't deserve to be on this planet anymore.

I'm scared. I'm scared of living and of dying. I don't know which is worse.

[Amaryllis]

I'm so sorry this reply took so long, Jo, and I'm so sorry I didn't reply to you earlier on Skype, to be completely honest, I can't be quite selfish at times - I'm afraid of losing you, Jo. I really am. Because if you do go, I'll feel responsible - because I keep thinking I -can- stop you, I might not know how yet but you -will- be okay.

You're such a strong girl, Jo. Tons of people have told you this, I'm sure. Living with bipolar disorder is a difficult thing but you've come so far. Somehow throughout all the hell, you've managed to retain the beauty we love in you.

It hurt because you're not meant to die, Jo. You're living because you have to, because you should, because we want you to live and because, perhaps, theres a deep part of you who wants to, too.

Life can be a painful place at times - we lose some we hold dear and some days, the tears simply outweigh the smiles. I know it hurts now but there are moments when it doesn't and those are the precious ones we hold onto and remember in times like these.

You can beat the odds, Jo. Be the girl in your family who manages to cross every hurdle somehow. I look at my scars sometimes, too. I think about them and the things I cannot do. It's like a heaviness on your shoulders. But what's done is done, love. You can't go back and erase the blade from your hand, but you can choose to erase the blade from your hand -now-.

You're not a monster, we love you. I care about you, even though it may feel as if I don't at times. I do. But I occasionally run away from the dark side of life and I'm truly sorry for doing so. Recovery and happiness seems a long way away, but remember: Every journey begins with a single step.