bleachedteen
January 2nd, 2012, 01:49 AM
I've been falling apart for the last forever. I went to the hospital again last month because I told my therapist I was suicidal. I came back home and was happy as anything and then two days later I couldn't handle my family and i just wanted to die, cut myself. I was going to do something, at least need stitches but I wimped out. A few nights ago was the closest to attempting suicide I've ever been.
My dad scares me, he doesn't hit me but everyone thinks he does because of how I talk about him. I hate my dad he yells all the time and he's self centered and acts like a 7 year old. I hate him because he fucked up this whole family and nothing but him ever matters. I'm scared because he acts so fakely nice whenever I do family sessions. I don't know why my mom is with him, and I truthfully wouldn't care if anything happened to him. He always brings up money in front of me even though my therapists told him to stop. He brings up how we can't pay my hospital bills, we have to wait till he gets a check. My therapist told my parents to take me to the hospital and they didn't want to because of the money. They kept asking me if I absolutely had to go, I almost said I didn't, I would have killed myself that night if I hadn't gone to the hospital. I'm fucking tired of all the financial instability my parents should not have had so many kids. I don't understand why people have kids starting out with no money, because I've been anxious and depressed all my life because of money problems, and my parents are always worried and why would you bring anybody into that.
I feel like I'm falling apart and I fucking hate my life. I just want to melt away but I always wimp out. I wish somebody would just shoot me and take the last choice away from me. I feel like I' gonna go to extremes soon, maybe swear at my parents, shoplift, do drugs. anything but reality.
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and I don't know how to tell him what's going on without ending up in the hospital and ruining my families life.
I don't know how to tell him I drank half a bottle of sudafed a few nights ago trying to damage my body anyway I could, and how after that I feel like I had a manic episode. I don't know how to get my lips to form the words because the more I talk the more i regret it and beat myself up later about it. I've covered my face in school for almost a month, stopped talking at all, cut myself and became suicidal in the summer because I started opening up and got mad at myself.
Sometimes I think of things that might happen I wonder if my parents got in a car accident, I watch a guy outside and wonder if he's a rapist, sometimes i feel like my brother committed suicide or i feel like something bad happened. I think about bad things happening to me, on how i would react if i got attacked. It doesn't worry me, I just wonder what if... what would I do, what would happen.
I'm tired of taking my medication, every single day but my doctors at the hospital say if I go off of them they will start giving me shots every week and needles fucking freak me out. I feel like my life is out of control and I don't like it. My attitude has changed 8 times 360 degrees in the last month. First i decided to get better and be open, I decided that i was an idiot and everyone hated me, I pushed people away, I started being more rude to teachers and talking to more peers, stopped talking at all, hid everything, I was happy, and now I feel like 'fuck everything' I don't care about friends, I don't need to be anxious, fuck everyone else I'm gonna do my own thing. I don't care if mom and dad find out I'm bi I don't care if they catch me smoking. i don't give a fuck. and then the anxiety came back and everything all mixed up again.
I'm tired of all this crap happening to me, I don't want to die but I don't want this
I'm just tired and confused and what is life anyway, IT'S NOTHING
I don't need sleep or maybe i want to sleep all day
I should cut or maybe I should start volunteering I should be confident I should go on a diet I'm fucking fat i need to starve myself what if dad went to the ER OOO lets do something creative lets hate my parents fuck everyone else i don't need anybody now I'm gonna have a panic attack cry myself to sleep i should start practicing guitar! I'm so pretty today. god i hate everybody. i want to punch my brother today i want to come out to my parents i can make it through the future is bright I'm going to die I'm not gonna survive i'll tell my doctor everything I'm gonna run away and yell at my parents
SHIT
My dad scares me, he doesn't hit me but everyone thinks he does because of how I talk about him. I hate my dad he yells all the time and he's self centered and acts like a 7 year old. I hate him because he fucked up this whole family and nothing but him ever matters. I'm scared because he acts so fakely nice whenever I do family sessions. I don't know why my mom is with him, and I truthfully wouldn't care if anything happened to him. He always brings up money in front of me even though my therapists told him to stop. He brings up how we can't pay my hospital bills, we have to wait till he gets a check. My therapist told my parents to take me to the hospital and they didn't want to because of the money. They kept asking me if I absolutely had to go, I almost said I didn't, I would have killed myself that night if I hadn't gone to the hospital. I'm fucking tired of all the financial instability my parents should not have had so many kids. I don't understand why people have kids starting out with no money, because I've been anxious and depressed all my life because of money problems, and my parents are always worried and why would you bring anybody into that.
I feel like I'm falling apart and I fucking hate my life. I just want to melt away but I always wimp out. I wish somebody would just shoot me and take the last choice away from me. I feel like I' gonna go to extremes soon, maybe swear at my parents, shoplift, do drugs. anything but reality.
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and I don't know how to tell him what's going on without ending up in the hospital and ruining my families life.
I don't know how to tell him I drank half a bottle of sudafed a few nights ago trying to damage my body anyway I could, and how after that I feel like I had a manic episode. I don't know how to get my lips to form the words because the more I talk the more i regret it and beat myself up later about it. I've covered my face in school for almost a month, stopped talking at all, cut myself and became suicidal in the summer because I started opening up and got mad at myself.
Sometimes I think of things that might happen I wonder if my parents got in a car accident, I watch a guy outside and wonder if he's a rapist, sometimes i feel like my brother committed suicide or i feel like something bad happened. I think about bad things happening to me, on how i would react if i got attacked. It doesn't worry me, I just wonder what if... what would I do, what would happen.
I'm tired of taking my medication, every single day but my doctors at the hospital say if I go off of them they will start giving me shots every week and needles fucking freak me out. I feel like my life is out of control and I don't like it. My attitude has changed 8 times 360 degrees in the last month. First i decided to get better and be open, I decided that i was an idiot and everyone hated me, I pushed people away, I started being more rude to teachers and talking to more peers, stopped talking at all, hid everything, I was happy, and now I feel like 'fuck everything' I don't care about friends, I don't need to be anxious, fuck everyone else I'm gonna do my own thing. I don't care if mom and dad find out I'm bi I don't care if they catch me smoking. i don't give a fuck. and then the anxiety came back and everything all mixed up again.
I'm tired of all this crap happening to me, I don't want to die but I don't want this
I'm just tired and confused and what is life anyway, IT'S NOTHING
I don't need sleep or maybe i want to sleep all day
I should cut or maybe I should start volunteering I should be confident I should go on a diet I'm fucking fat i need to starve myself what if dad went to the ER OOO lets do something creative lets hate my parents fuck everyone else i don't need anybody now I'm gonna have a panic attack cry myself to sleep i should start practicing guitar! I'm so pretty today. god i hate everybody. i want to punch my brother today i want to come out to my parents i can make it through the future is bright I'm going to die I'm not gonna survive i'll tell my doctor everything I'm gonna run away and yell at my parents
SHIT