This is never going to stop.

[Fiction]

I am fed up of this.

I think i'm better and over and over again the thoughts come back. It's been like this for a year and a half now and i'm fucking fed up of it. The thought of being how I was this time last year makes me happy. I was hardly eating and purging everything I did eat. Why do I want that back? I know if I let it back in i'm going to cause so many problems. For m relationship, my family.

I can't hide it from my parents as well anymore because they know. I've tried getting professional help and frankly they don't care.

I don't know what to do anymore :/

[Amaryllis]

Hey Kathy, I know some professionals truly don't seem to care. I've had psychologists say "I'll help you get over this in the next session" time and time again. Just so they could earn money - meanwhile I was dying and holding on by a faint heartbeat everyday.

However, I've found one counsellor out of the 8 who actually cares. She is the nicest person I have ever met and she's helped me so much(unfortunately she's left for melbourne now) what I'm saying is, keep tying. Keep looking. I promise you will find someone who will truly be able to help you. Just give them a chance, if they truly aren't helping, find another.

You deserve every bit of money and effort. I can't promise you every thought of food will go away forever but I can promise it doesn't have to be as painful as it is now.

You're a lovely person but you really do need to work on your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-concept. Kathy comes before Eating Disorder. You're not an "anorexic" or "bulimic". You're someone suffering from it. But you don't have to suffer so terribly forever.

First you need to realise eating disorders don't give you control. In fact, they do the exct opposite, they bring upon chaos. Then you need to see that they don't make you beautiful and they don't make people care more about you, they just push others away. You have to -want- to recover.

The foo thoughts go away in time when you realise you're more than your eating disorder and that there are better, more important things to do in life. Keep yourself busy and learn to express your feelings in a constructive manner. Journalling absolutely everything really helped.

Do everything you can to cheer yourself up and see the good in yourself. Keep believing you can and will recover. Surround yourself with supportive people and don't ever push people away. Good luck, sweetheart. Always here for you.