I just need some help... *may trigger*

[AerialsInTheSky]

Hi my name is Katy and although I am new to the site I've been looking at it for a month or so now and it has helped me a lot. Thank you for reading this I really appreciate it.

I am a self harmer. I love the study of psychology and want to become a psychiatrist one day. Ive know this since I was little and I have a strong sense of empathy.
Anyhoo, I am 16 now and from ages 12-14 I was a buffer for all my self harming friends. Managing to talk them out of it and always being there for him. I saw what cutting did to them and i promised myself I wouldn't put my family through that. Long story short sophomore year was awful and by november I was cutting nightly on my stomach upper legs and upper arms. I didn't tell anyone and to this day only one other person knew. Junior year, after meeting an awesome guy at band camp over the summer, I managed to stop my injury cold turkey with his help. He made me stay away from drugs and drinking and hated my self harm. He hates my scars. Recently though...I've been relapsing. Cutting myself nightly again and hiding it. Right now (serious trigger I'm so sorry) i have a very scarred shoulder that should've been stitched, cuts on my wrist (I'm ashamed of these most), and on my stomach. I just, for absolutely no reason besides being overwhelmed with everyones emotion, cut open my ankle all the way around. My problem isn't with the cuts, I can take care of them, I need help.
My mom and almost every female on that side of the family is schizophrenic. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD, and sever depression at the age of 13. I was placed on 100mg of Zoloft which was upped to 200mg quickly. It worked, life was good, I wasn't in pain all day. But that summer, when I entered high school, my dad won custody of me. His attitude was the "no daughter of mine can be mentally ill" and pulled me off the meds. No gradual withdrawal just one day i was on it the next it was taken away. I fell hard. I am not allowed access to any kind of help much less a therapist because "I'm making all this up in my head". It's just getting to be too much. I feel like I'm failing everyone, drowning in their sorrow + mine.

Does anyone out there have any advice on how to stop cutting? Thanks whoever managed to read all this. And if you didn't have a nice night anyways :)
See you around
-Katy

[Amaryllis]

Hey sweetheart. Firstly, please don't regard yourself as a self-harmer. It makes it seem like your identity and when we do regard it as who we are, we grow afraid of losing it because we fear we will be nothing without it, which isn't true at all.

You are a person before you are your mental illness/physical scars or whatever it may be. You're you and you will have an identity with or without your blades.

As for your father, patiently explain to him that mental illneses do not just go away on their own and that denying you of help will only make it worse. However, if he -still- doesn't understand, you do not truly need meds. Many people who suffer from depression, cancer or whatever it may be do survive on their own.

In fact, survival cannot be taught. Only learned. No one can give you the skills to learn how to cope with the hardships, it's something you -can- overcome on your own. Of course, help from others and medication can give you that extra boost but you know yourself better anyone. And at times you will find yourself alone, that's when self-love comes into play.

It is much harder to cut when you treasure yourself. Life is too long to be spent hating yourself. And it is easier to give up self harm when you do not regard it as a major part of your identity.

The best thing to do to stop cutting is to stop having anything to do with it. Understood, you wish to help others, but you will absolutely break under the stress if you've not learned appropriate coping mechanisms.

Wait it out. When you want to cut, say no. Do something else and think about why you don't wish to and why you shouldn't. As the days go by of not cutting, it becomes easier. Change can be a scary thing but it does not have to be. Especially when it's change for the better.

Fear is the cage that holds us in and self-hate is the lock. Self-love is the key and courage is what gives us the strength to turn it.

[AerialsInTheSky]

Thank you so much for your advice. I feel better now, its always worse at night. I've been thinking over what you said and some days I don't want to stop. Not that I think it's "cool" or like doing it but it gives me an outlet. This is unhealthy thinking and I don't think ill be cutting again for a while partially because of what you said. Here's to avoiding a relapse :)

Thanks again.

[senior.2013]

As Amaryllis said, theres too much to look foreward to in life to be spend it cutting. Sit down with your father and tell him something is wrong. He is terrible for denying you the help you feel you need.
You want to help people in the future, but thats difficult if you feel uncomfortable about yourself. If you feel the need to cut, do something else. Write down all your feelings and rip up the paper. Think about all the reasons there are to be here. As you lessen the cutting day by day it will hopefully get easier.

I put this on all my posts: If you ever need anyone to talk to for any reason, I am here along with the rest of the VT members. My contact information is on my profile, feel free to use it.

[thegreenone]

I have to politely disagree with Amaryllis, simply for the fact that I can't cope with it on my own. I believe that medication is a viable option for those who need it. I too have been diagnosed with depression, but before I was, I self medicated my cutting with alcohol. It was my way of "doing things on my own". It never worked. I think you should talk to your dad about all that has happened and help him realize that you need professional help. There are things you can't "just snap out off". It's more than that, and a lot of people just don't grasp that concept yet.

[Mortal Coil]

It's really unfair that you had to go through all that, especially with your dad and all. Tell someone that your father is knowingly deprivigg you of the medical care that you need (zoloft).
About cutting, if you feel yourself reaching for a blade, go throw yourself in the shower. Take the lonhlgest shower possible, and make the water either a bit too hot or too cold. That's what I do. Alternately, use a lighter- not so much that your skin burns, but so that it hurts. not much better, I know, but weaning yourself off the blade is hardest.
Cheers.

[ShootingStar]

You can do this without medication hunii, you're strong enough :) What you do need is people to talk to, we're always here if you need a chat! Obviously it would be easier with medication...but if for whatever reason, your father is denying you the help you need, then stay strong an prove him wrong okay :) .. ShootingStar..x