Almost four months, ruined.

[Jonni]

I regret it so much. I could have held on, I could have... not done it. But everything is going wrong. I lost my mom to drugs on Dec. 2nd this month, rest in peace. My dad's not here because he died last year and my step mother HATES me. I hate me. God.

[Fiction]

It sounds like you are going through a hell of a lot Jonni, and cutting isn't an easy thing to stop. So what though, you relapsed once? It doesn't matter. You haven't failed. You succeeded in going 4 months, and that's something to be proud of. It's more than i've ever managed. You don't fail when you relapse, you fail when you don't pick yourself back up again. Relapses happen, but it's what you do after them that matters. Don't beat yourself up about it too much.

It sounds like you've had a hard few years, are you getting any help for that? I think seeing a counsellor would help you a lot.

[Jonni]

Yeah, I see a therapist. But I haven't seen her in a while because my step mom thought it'd be a good idea to not see her over the holidays, NO. I think the next time I see her is January 4th, or 5th.. it's either the day of or the day after we go back to school.

[Fiction]

Well that isn't too far away though, just hold out until then :)

[StoppingTime]

First off, I am very sorry for your loss and hope pure doing alright.

But like Kathy said, don't feel terribly guilty right now. You're going through some of the worst possible times of your life right now. Self harm is one of, if not the hardest thing to break because it can help you really "release".
Four months isn't any kind of failure, and in fact, is amazing seeing as what you've had to deal with lately. It's a step towards success, and in your case, a pretty big one.
Don't feel so guilty about it, you will get through this, and it's great that you are seein someone, they really can help.


Good luck!
~Steven/StoppingTime

[Jonni]

Thanks, everyone. I'm just waiting for the future to get brighter.

[StoppingTime]

You'll get there, I know you can. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, or just to vent, myself, and so many others are always here to help you.

[Jonni]

Thank you so much. I also do have a really good friend, which doesn't happen often, who does know my situation. So I do talk to her, mostly in school but I did see her over break and she helped me a lot. So I do have people, I guess sometimes I forget that.

[Amaryllis]

It isn't ruined till you give up. And it isn't hypothetically ruined until you truly believe it is. And even if it is -temporarily- ruined, it doesn't mean this is how it has to be permanently.

I'm actually on month 3 of not cutting myself. Wanting that continuous streak is one of the reasons I've held on for so long. But hey, you cut. It's over. But look at the better side, now this is your chance to do even -better-. Because we know you can and most importantly, you do.

The truth is, you can't change what anyone thinks or feels. You can only try your best to be better than the person you so dislike or worry about. Losing a loved one is horrible but haven't you grown stronger because of it? More independent? Every mistake, every hardship, every loss is an opportunity to be greater.

Ask yourself what you can learn from this. Better ways of coping? Waiting it out? What can you do differently next time? We all make mistakes. But it's what we do afterwards that counts.

[Jonni]

Thank you all. One day at a time is what I keep telling myself.