Depression and cutting

[tak011]

Lately I've been feeling extremely depressed, I don't want to go into details but I've been barely eating, sleeping, I'm not socialising and I just want to sink into my bed and never come out. I got a scratch on my arm during this time, and I liked the way it looked. At one of my most down times, I took a piece of wire and slashed my arm and shoulder up pretty bad. It wasn't to make myself feel better; I wanted to feel worse. Friends and my ex-girlfriend (part of the problem) noticed. I blamed it on brambles after a night when I got extremely drunk (A night I'm not particularly proud of). They joked about self-harming, and I laughed along with them, but in the back of my mind, it was gnawing. I never thought I'd ever cut myself. To make things worse, I keep picking the scab (I habit I've always had.)

Things perked up when college broke up for Christmas. I felt relatively happy for once. I started eating again, and my sleeping returned to normal. Today that changed. Boxing Day was lovely, surrounded by family, and I felt really happy. I find out some bad news this evening. I try to sleep, and find I'm wide awake, and I realise I'm slipping back. I have a drink of water and try to settle down; I pee and stare at myself in the mirror. I feel terrible, and want to hurt, want to be as horrible and ugly as I feel. So I take the shaving razor I threw out the other week, snap the blades out and test one on my finger. It's sharp enough. I slowly bring it to my chest and cut slowly. As soon as this is over, I go to town for a couple of seconds and 5, maybe 6, slashes later, it's done. I don't know what to think of myself. Shame? Embarrassment? Disgust?

I just wanted to admit this to someone, as I've never told anyone and I'm feeling really scared. Thank you.

[Ace_of_Spades]

You shouldn't punish yourself for cutting, i mean, you're under a lot of stress. You shouldn't continue though, it's really not healthy and it gets really addictive after a while. Just try to find some other way to relax yourself.

[FullyAlive]

Cutting to feel worse isn't unusual. A lot of my cuts are to make myself hurt more. However depression isn't normal, well not so much isn't normal as something you don't have to go through. If you're feeling this down I suggest talking to someone is there a counsellor on campus? You don't have to bring up the cuts if you don't want to, just tell them how you feel.

And next time you feel like cutting would help, distract yourself, do something nice, read, watch a film etc. or do something that might help ease the urge, snap an elastic band, press ice onto your skin, draw in red on yourself.

If you can talk to someone and get some help before self harming becomes a routine you'll be a lot better off. :hug:

[tak011]

As bad as I feel, I'm not sure I will do it again. I feel bad and pathetic, and every time I take my shirt off they're just a reminder for how bad I feel; luckily I can pass them off as bramble scratches. But thanks for the help, I think I just need to get my head sorted out. It's not gonna be easy, but I think I'll get there. Thanks.