FuzzyLittleNightmare
December 25th, 2011, 05:21 PM
I just got home from my grandparents house from our christmas meal and I feel worse than I've felt in months. I love christmas morning, lazy day in pyjamas opening a few presents and its so casual no one notices if I skip breakfast. Despite all the food that's constantly around, the whole christmas period is my favourite time of the year. Except for this year. This year it has been hell.
My grandma cooked the most ridiculous big dinner for me even though she knows about my ED and that I can't eat much. It was just this mound of carbs and calories and fat - chips, rice, Quorn turkey slices...I wanted to cry. With everyone watching me I forced down as much as I could. I thought it would be ok because I deliberately didn't eat a lot these past couple of weeks so I could afford to have some extra calories. And when everyone was having desert I was able to sneak off and exercise in the other room because I don't eat sugar.
But then my grandma came out and gave me a "treat" of a box of sugar free chocolates! She kept on pestering to eat me and she doesn't have a lot of spare money and my mum kept on shooting me daggers to get me to eat it.
I've eaten more calories and carbs today than I have in the past month. I can practically see my stomach and thighs expanding before my eyes. I've been sat in the bathroom for 30 minutes shoving my fingers down my throat to try and sick it up but I just can't seem to do it! I can stick my finger far down and I just don't gag! I know I wont get any sleep tonight because Ana wont let me rest until I have burned off these calories that I didn't deserve to have, until I have punished myself for behaving so badly. I don't cut anymore as punishment so she finds otherwise. I can't make her shut up and leave me alone! I feel so useless and broken and destroyed, I can't be a good ordinary girl and I can't seem to be a good anorexic either! What is wrong with me! :cry: :help:
My grandma cooked the most ridiculous big dinner for me even though she knows about my ED and that I can't eat much. It was just this mound of carbs and calories and fat - chips, rice, Quorn turkey slices...I wanted to cry. With everyone watching me I forced down as much as I could. I thought it would be ok because I deliberately didn't eat a lot these past couple of weeks so I could afford to have some extra calories. And when everyone was having desert I was able to sneak off and exercise in the other room because I don't eat sugar.
But then my grandma came out and gave me a "treat" of a box of sugar free chocolates! She kept on pestering to eat me and she doesn't have a lot of spare money and my mum kept on shooting me daggers to get me to eat it.
I've eaten more calories and carbs today than I have in the past month. I can practically see my stomach and thighs expanding before my eyes. I've been sat in the bathroom for 30 minutes shoving my fingers down my throat to try and sick it up but I just can't seem to do it! I can stick my finger far down and I just don't gag! I know I wont get any sleep tonight because Ana wont let me rest until I have burned off these calories that I didn't deserve to have, until I have punished myself for behaving so badly. I don't cut anymore as punishment so she finds otherwise. I can't make her shut up and leave me alone! I feel so useless and broken and destroyed, I can't be a good ordinary girl and I can't seem to be a good anorexic either! What is wrong with me! :cry: :help: