I'm tired of lying.

[AppealToReason]

Yarp. I said it. I lied. Sorry. To you especially, Z. But, it's time to be honest.
I've said that I don't remember the guys who hurt me before, but I do. Their face, their voices, what they were wearing. I remember who they were, family. I remember why it happened, for money. I remember how many times in happened and long each lasted. I remember my room and what I ate for lunch after it happened. For years I've been pretending not to remember because it is honestly much easier that way. Pretending it was some random neighbor who drank a little too much or some perverted cammer. But, it wasn't. It never was. I wish it were, but it was from a greedy family member who's probably somewhere across the border by now.
Of course, the only reason I'm saying this is because I think it will slightly help. If not, I'm sure something else will in a few.
Anyways, sorry again, especially to you Z.

[Amaryllis]

I was wondering what it was about.

It's okay, Michael. You don't have to apologise. Most people will say "I understand" for the sake of saying it but I truly do understand. Every time I see a psychologist or psychiatrist, I pretend I don't know anything. Sometimes I even tell my friends I only realised after I went to a hypnotherapist but we're just lying to ourselves. The only person you lied to was you.

For some the memories can be blocked - but for others we live with it. You haven't done anything wrong, angel. You tell me that time and time again, it applies to you, too. It was completely normal for you to react that way. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You're very brave for finally facing it because that's all that matters - because reality sets in sooner or later.

I've probably said this before but it's over now. No one can hurt you. And that helpless little boy isn't you. You're 17 and you're someone different. Leave that broken child behind, you will never get back what you lost and it's time to stop chasing it.

There's so much for you in the future - so much you can do and things you can be. You've survived. You're strong and you will be okay. You need to learn to cope and you need to let it go. They abused and used that helpless child, they can't do the same to you. Because you're no longer a child. Look ahead, that's all you can do.

I'm here for you, Michael. No matter what. I will always, always be there. You know how to contact me and you know there's nothing for you to be ashamed of with me. Because I've been through a similar situation and I know how it feels. I feel dirty and miserable sometimes, too. But we know we don't deserve to feel that way. You're a wonderful person and I love you to bits.

[Aubrie]

:hug:

I know what you mean. I pretended that everything that happened to me from 13-14 didn't happen. I lied to everyone. There's no need to apologize. Sometimes things are just easier to not deal with. Please take my advice, though, and try to start dealing with it a little bit at a time. I ultimately destroyed myself from avoiding it. Self-harm, alcohol, drugs, promiscuity... You don't have to just jump in and try to sort things out, but deal with it a little bit at a time. It feels so much better. You have a loving community of people here. We're always here for each other. You can't be hurt now. Try to leave the broken boy behind. Easier said than done, I know. Healing takes time, and it's never easy. Don't lose hope. If you want to talk ever, I'm here.

[AppealToReason]

So, I don't remember making this thread, but I guess it's good that I made it.
Thanks, Z and Aubrie.