Insanity and dead girls

[Amaryllis]

Now that my eating disorders are gone, my previous anxiety or whatever it is is coming back. It makes life absolutely horrible and it's been going on for 15 years(or less, I don't know.) I was so fixated on food etc. etc. that at the time, I didn't have the time, energy or space to obsess over girls in mirrors or whatever it was.

I'm convinced someone is sleeping next to me in bed. He just stares at me in the darkness and I can feel him. I understand it isn't logical but he's real. He talks to me and I'm afraid. Should I reply? He can read my mind.

My reflection scares me the most. She watches me and she's evil, cynical and cruel. When I tilt my head, she does it, too, except with a touch of cruelty in it. I can't explain it, I don't know how. I don't think it's a hallucination because sometimes she takes over me. And it's like I'm me but not me. I'm aware she's there and I do almost the same things except I don't. Everything is twisted and I'm not in control for a while.

There is a girl hanging over my toilet seat and she's rotting above it. She scares me like all the others, the one in the closet for example. I'm afraid of bathrooms - I don't know if it has anything to do with it being the first place I was raped in but I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate bathrooms.

Sometimes I'm certain everyone is out to get me and this life is a simulation game. When I die, I'll wake up in the real world. You're all part of the experiment and I probably shouldn't even be writing this.

God, I'm aware of how bizarre and insane I sound but I don't know how to make it go away. Every second of my life is fearfearfearfearfear and I don't know what to do. I haven't cut in 7 weeks if that has anything to do with it.

This world isn't real but ghosts are and she's walking out of the mirror and staring at me right now. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to make it all go away. Will they stay with me when I'm dead? What if suicide means I'll be trapped with them forever? What if I'm already dead? What if I'm insane and this life is a hallucination? What if I need to kill myself to get out? What if you're all doctors observing me?

Am I insane or are you?

[Thelizardqueen]

I'm sooo sorry, I wish you could have a look in my mind just so that you know that I'm not a doctor and these things are only happening to you and no one else KNOWS, so then you'd at least have that fear quashed. Don't kill yourself, just think, all these things you're seeing, I KNOW you can't just stop being afraid, but the worst they can do is kill you(and never kill yourself because of them, it'd be pointless), and if death brings you back to the real world, then that's good right? Because you wouldn't really be dying, you'd be facing your fears to end them. And if they don't kill you, then there's nothing to be afraid of.
I'm sorry if this makes anything worse because I don't understand and can't relate to what you're going through, but I'm so sorry. Just please hang on and try to get help, not do something drastic.

[embers]

Hey Z,

We talked about this earlier today (hopefully i was at least somewhat helpful), and I just want to let you know that if you ever need to talk I'm usually on Skype not getting any sleep and I'm always willing to talk to you about shit, you'd know that after three months :P And uh... yeah, keep it cool, don't let yourself lose sight of what's real and what's not when this kind of shit happens, as horrifying as it might be.

Keep it real homie <3

[Genghis Khan]

I wish I could make you understand how brave you are. But I guess that defeats the purpose of us being here for you when you need somebody. You're such a strong girl Z, the strongest I've met by far. I'm always here for you.

[trooneh]

hey Z,

like Sachal, i'm always here for you, as you well know. you might not always think i'm real, but i am. and i'll always listen. i'm just a skype message away, except when i'm sleeping D: anyways, you know what my thoughts are. you really need to be open to the doctors you see. please don't hide anything from them, because people who are trying to help you can't help you unless you're open with them about what's going on. you're a strong person that i really care about. i'm glad when i get the chance to talk to you, your accent's amazing, and you're beautiful. remember, you've been through so much, and you've stayed a good person. not many people can do this, but you did. i know i couldn't have. that makes you one of the strongest people i've ever met. ever. when you're in crisis though, remember, i'm here. Sachal's here. we're all here for you. <3

[Magenta]

You're not insane, sweetie. You're a lovely girl who makes me smile so much. You're also the strongest person I know. You inspire a lot of people and hopefully just reminding you of this helps some. You're such an amazingly talented girl and have so much to live for. The fear doesn't last forever. To use a highly overused analogy: life is like a book and this is only another chapter. Some chapters can be excruciatingly long but they do end.

:hug:

I'm always around and I'm sure you know it. If you ever need cheering up, I always need a fellow fangirl to squeal over Yukito/Toya fanfiction with me. :)