Dimentio
December 17th, 2011, 11:48 AM
Well there is this guy i like, Not like, But LOVE! :D
But he is really cute and good looking, And i kinda have a Yaoi/Furry Yaoi Fetish, And this makes my situation worse as Anime people are nearly always cute, Smoothed skin and good looking.
And i see a lot of Gay people that are the same, Practically all, But the thing is, I have Acne which is not to bad (Like on my face and top of chest and top of back, Which still is not so bad compared to A LOT of others!), I suffer from so much stress, Anger and depression, I started getting a receding hairline and i am 15 and you cannot see it as much now as i have grown my hair longer, But you can notice it still, I have glasses, My head is bigger then averege and I have odd hairs sprouting from my face sometimes which i shave but it imbarrissing!
And i see these pictures of Anime and stuff or real life couples and think of the guy i like and think, If we did get together, We would never be like them, Because of me, I am ugly and he is nice looking, We won't be a normal couple i will always drag us down, But then i see these pics and normal couples and wish it was us if we got together! But it will never be!
Like i get bullied for my looks so much and feel so self concsious about it that I wear hoodies all the time and i always keep my head down which gives me a back ache, But i know people see my face less, And i must be making myself out like thw worlds ugliest person here but people have said i am not as bad as i make myself out to be and that i am no where near great looking but i am not the worse.
But this bullying and self consciousness has gotten so bad, I do not like going out, I do not like going to family partys, I refuse to be recorded or have my picture taken, I feel like when i am in pictures with my family i just ruin it and i just do not eat, Sleep or drink properly because of all this.
I am genurally depressed and angry, But the boy i like has seen my true side, And that is a side he wants to see more but can't, That is what most people see on the internet too, A happy, Carefree, Loving, Fun, Caring, Loyal, Friendly, Chatty and nice person, But for some reason, The people who bully me ask why i am never like that! Oh i wonder? BECAUSE THEY ARE BULLYING ME SO I CANNOT BE LIKE THAT!
I am just so self conscious of myself now and i hate myself so much that, I have only ever thought bad thoughts before if you know what i am talking about, But i just want to live in the country side and remove myself from everones lifes, One because i would be in a country side which is a dream of mine! Two, No one would have to see me again which to me, Would make everyone happier again!
I know in my head none of this is that bad and that i am not affecting people in this way, I may be stupid but i am clever at times ha ha, But it is just like, I can't live with myself seeing all these good looking people and thinking if i have a good looking boyfriend, Would he wish for me to look that good and would i make him sad for not being like that or ruin what would be a cute moment with my looks?
I just don't know! Sorry this is all depressive and kind of rambling and ranting but, Fot two days now i have been by myself for 6 hours and it looks like it will be more and i just am in a depression stage because of my state from suffering with depression.
I need to get more self confidence! Sometimes i can be a little TOO confident but lately, I am just too under confident.
Doctor Who? No Doctor Obvious :D They bully me about such old things though like stuff that i do not wish to say happened in my past and also my addiction at one point with Facebook, I did do Art Therapy but not going near a counselor again after that, I just got too attached and when she had to go, I was and still am heart broken, Never again, So that is for anyone who wants to sat that idea.
But he is really cute and good looking, And i kinda have a Yaoi/Furry Yaoi Fetish, And this makes my situation worse as Anime people are nearly always cute, Smoothed skin and good looking.
And i see a lot of Gay people that are the same, Practically all, But the thing is, I have Acne which is not to bad (Like on my face and top of chest and top of back, Which still is not so bad compared to A LOT of others!), I suffer from so much stress, Anger and depression, I started getting a receding hairline and i am 15 and you cannot see it as much now as i have grown my hair longer, But you can notice it still, I have glasses, My head is bigger then averege and I have odd hairs sprouting from my face sometimes which i shave but it imbarrissing!
And i see these pictures of Anime and stuff or real life couples and think of the guy i like and think, If we did get together, We would never be like them, Because of me, I am ugly and he is nice looking, We won't be a normal couple i will always drag us down, But then i see these pics and normal couples and wish it was us if we got together! But it will never be!
Like i get bullied for my looks so much and feel so self concsious about it that I wear hoodies all the time and i always keep my head down which gives me a back ache, But i know people see my face less, And i must be making myself out like thw worlds ugliest person here but people have said i am not as bad as i make myself out to be and that i am no where near great looking but i am not the worse.
But this bullying and self consciousness has gotten so bad, I do not like going out, I do not like going to family partys, I refuse to be recorded or have my picture taken, I feel like when i am in pictures with my family i just ruin it and i just do not eat, Sleep or drink properly because of all this.
I am genurally depressed and angry, But the boy i like has seen my true side, And that is a side he wants to see more but can't, That is what most people see on the internet too, A happy, Carefree, Loving, Fun, Caring, Loyal, Friendly, Chatty and nice person, But for some reason, The people who bully me ask why i am never like that! Oh i wonder? BECAUSE THEY ARE BULLYING ME SO I CANNOT BE LIKE THAT!
I am just so self conscious of myself now and i hate myself so much that, I have only ever thought bad thoughts before if you know what i am talking about, But i just want to live in the country side and remove myself from everones lifes, One because i would be in a country side which is a dream of mine! Two, No one would have to see me again which to me, Would make everyone happier again!
I know in my head none of this is that bad and that i am not affecting people in this way, I may be stupid but i am clever at times ha ha, But it is just like, I can't live with myself seeing all these good looking people and thinking if i have a good looking boyfriend, Would he wish for me to look that good and would i make him sad for not being like that or ruin what would be a cute moment with my looks?
I just don't know! Sorry this is all depressive and kind of rambling and ranting but, Fot two days now i have been by myself for 6 hours and it looks like it will be more and i just am in a depression stage because of my state from suffering with depression.
I need to get more self confidence! Sometimes i can be a little TOO confident but lately, I am just too under confident.
Doctor Who? No Doctor Obvious :D They bully me about such old things though like stuff that i do not wish to say happened in my past and also my addiction at one point with Facebook, I did do Art Therapy but not going near a counselor again after that, I just got too attached and when she had to go, I was and still am heart broken, Never again, So that is for anyone who wants to sat that idea.