My name is Maxwell.

[Consumemysoul]

I'll be twenty years old in two days.
The other night while experiencing an incredible spiritual journey on 2cI my girlfriend broke up with me because she can't handle my disorder, she says I'm too stressful.
I wanted to kill myself on my birthday, but a close friend of mine has lost her father and another one of her best friends too suicide within the last year and I can't put that weight on her shoulders.
I just like to cut, it feels good. I don't do it too much, only maybe 30 individual lines a day. I used to use scissors because of the raw tearing pain they allow my to submerge myself in, but as of lately I've developed a relationship with my razor blade. I find blood so beautiful, I find it so intriguing that this is our sustaining life force; yet I so freely let it go.
I don't know entirely why I just joined this and decided to seek others, I think it's because I'm too comfortable with the idea of grabbing my shotgun.

[RustyRockets]

Hi Maxwell

Have you ever spoken to a professional about your fixation with blood? A morbid thing like that might lead you to years of harm and possibly worse, do you think talking it out a little would make sense of it?

[Consumemysoul]

Well of course I have, out patient and in patient /therapy/. It never really worked though, I can't explain the way I look in at myself. Some days it doesn't happen and everything feels clean to the touch, other days I feel as if I'm being pulled deeper into this cage that I call myself. LSD and 2cI are a couple of the few things that really help, my problem lately is that I allowed myself to text and use my phone while tripping, allowing my girlfriend/exgirlfriend's bitter words to hurt me even more than they normally would. My normal self rule it to not use my phone while tripping unless I absolutely need to, or need /something else/ from a friend. She doesn't participate though, so she doesn't understand that when I'm tripping yes I feel wonderful and I can clear my mind out; but emotionally I'm incredibly fragile at those moments. I used to eat a couple hits of LSD every weekend, and it'd refresh my mind for the week to come. Lately it's been 2cI and it works so fucking well, until I let her words push their way into my mind.
I can't explain the blood thing, it's the same with scars. I love them, I find them so beautiful. In a way I figure, maybe if I cut myself more and I have more scars; maybe she will find me beautiful.

[RustyRockets]

I know this is a really obvious thing to say but please please PLEASE take care not to harm while you are high, because things can get so out of hand in that condition and realising soon enough or getting emergency help gets much harder. Please take care of yourself!

Rus

[sarah newman]

Hey Maxwell.
Don't you think that maybe seeking help might be a good idea as you wanted to commit suicide? And if you did you would of hurt a lot of people- family and friends- I'm sure they don't know what your going through and if they knew they might want to help you.
30 individual lines a day is quite bad Maxwell, maybe try and cut down day by day? Please try and take care of yourself, never cut on your wrists.
I'm sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend, that must of been really hard for you. Another reason to talk to someone- it might help.
I'm always here if you wanna talk, anything at all, pm me. Take care.