dreamer18xx
December 16th, 2011, 09:00 AM
I know suicidal feelings are irrational and selfish I dont want to leave my family feeling sad at all but still I feel so depressed all the time i just want it to stop I hate feeling that way I hate being the awqward quite sister I dont fit in anywhere in my family my older sister is smart, pretty, and she knows where she's going in life my younger siser is pretty, funny and bubbly. I cant see myself being anywhere in the future i've always had this feeling I was going to kill myself before high school was done I dont want it to be that way but i'm pretty much incapable of everything including social interaction with people I always get anxiety attacks often so I have no clue what kind of job I would fit into best I want to be a nurse or therapist somewhere in the medical feild but you need good social skills which I lack alot and I want to go away to college but I also get panic attacks if im not with a person/friend/family memeber. It completly s*** living like this I feel so trapped people scare me and make me nervous which is not normal and makes me feel like a lonely. But lately i've been thinking about suicide alot more recentally which scares me since last year around this time I got as far as counting how many pills it would take to kill myself to thinking about, jumping out of a moving car, immagining drowning and taking a breathe of bath water to just cutting myself. My family dosent know about majority of that in fact when I told my mom I was depressed she said she didnt even notice but I've been going to a therapist for a while now every week but the depressed feeling only went away for a month and I thinks its coming back b/c my friends keep asking if im okay and saying I look out of it I told them that I was fine just sleepy when I have been actually feeling sad lately and I've thought about suicide 5 days so far this week which creeps me out b/c suicidal feelings are like cutting in the sense it is irrational and i actaually had moments the past year where Im like "okay kristi. cold shower right now. you need to chill the he** out" (dont ask cold showers semi help me when im stressed out) but suicidal thoughts are irrational so trying to calm my head down dosent always exactly work hense the cutting...like it feels as if everythings so out of control and my brains going a million miles a minute and all im thinking is how I want it all to stop and how I want to escape from all the bad feelings and how im useless so everything will be alot better if im gone and other bad thoughts but its so stupid I dont know what i should do though what if I cant calm myself down I end up killing myself I dont really want to die..