I need help

[kate1]

I dont know how to get over this and no one really knows. I do this because its the only way I can feel a release from the feelings I feel. I made two horrible mistakes in my life, they make me hate myself I cant shake this feeling of guilt it constantly eats away at me. My two best friends are the only people that know and even then I cant get away from this pain inside me. I feel like I dont deserve friends I feel like because they dont know about my mistake that I am lying to them and I cant deal with it but I cant deal with being alone. My friends say that its a good thing that I feel the way i do because it means i have a consience but thats not how i feel. I'm so scared of myself because I feel like I dont know who I am anymore.

My mum has been seriously ill now for two years and sometimes I cant help but feel that this is karma for the mistakes ive made and the people I've hurt. I dont want to hurt anyone I just fucked up. I hate being alone with myself because I cant stand myself. I dont know how to get over these feelings I dont know if I am a horrible person.

[RustyRockets]

Hi Kate

I would normally offer pragmatic advice but I want to tell you something instead. Guilt is such a terrible terrible thing. It makes us feel heavy, empty and ashamed but you do not deserve these feelings. Whatever has happened you still deserve to feel well and safe. Please keep posting, here people understand and you are not alone.

Nobody is punishing you for mistakes or what you think has gone wrong. I'm so sorry that right now things are bad, but it will pass because you are not alone, you don't deserve this guilt and karma doesn't have it out for you.

Please if you think it will help talk a little more about what is making you feel this way. People will always be here to listen, people who understand.

Stay safe,
Rus

[kate1]

I think its a mixture of things causing me to do this but I dont know if this feeling will go away? I did something horrible I slept with my friends boyfriend in a drunken state. I regret it so much I feel disgusting I cant look in the mirror or eat. They only time I feel okay is when im doing this or in my sleep. I told my friend straight away and she said that it was okay she understands that it was drunken and stupid but I dont know. She asked me not to tell anyone and I know thats what I have to do because I would do anything for her now. but one of my best friends has been trying to contact me over the last week but I cant return her calls or texts or messages because I feel like without her knowing means that I'm lying to her ... it means she doesnt truly know the person I am. Because of this I feel so isolated, I dont know what to do?

[RustyRockets]

When we do something stupid, it hurts, but everybody will do it in there life. If you were a bad person then you wouldn't care, your worries shows that you are a sensitive and good person with regret. You don't need to carry these things around with you forever, it's not bad to move on, it's healthy, it's a strong thing to do.

You feel isolated and I understand, I feel the same way because there are things I can't tell my family and friends, like about self-harming etc. I thing it would be great if you could stay on here and just talk as much as you like, you'll be listened to and understood, I promise :)

Please concentrate on all the good things inside you, there will be so many. Things other people love about you too. There is more good than bad, you are just making the bad things HUGE. You don't deserve them and it's ok to let them go :)

Please keep safe and keep talking,
Rus