Bath
December 12th, 2011, 05:46 PM
Something weird is happening. I don't know, I usually have these intense daydreams that I act out when I'm by myself, and I don't worry about them because they never get in the way, but last night it was hard to tell what was real and what was in my head. I had these vivid discussions with this girl in my head, was in my room pacing furiously crying and talking out loud to her. I knew she was in my head but this part of me didn't want her to be, I wanted her to be real, and it was like... I was trying to persuade myself that she was here?
I would laugh randomly and not notice it until after I did. I got a little scared but I was also overcome with this weird sort of feeling... like, a dim, buzzing happiness.. even that I was going absolutely mad, I thought it was beautiful. And, I'm not even sure what triggered this, I just cracked underneath all of this wanting to come out before but fighting it with cutting, cigarettes, medicine, anything to numb these urges.
This morning, an anxiety attack woke me up. I really did NOT want to get up, I had this intense fear that today would be awful.. like, a phobia, like.. I really did NOT want to get up. It's happened before though. I got up, and voices, little whispers started. In my head, little whispers, started filling up my head and I couldn't control them but I la dee da'd my way to the bus stop, and the whole bus ride. I don't remember most of the whispers, they would come and go so quick, the only ones I remember fully was when the bus came, with each footstep I felt "mental, hospital, mental, hospital" and on the bus, I heard two of them fighting and I don't remember over what but I found it funny.
I sound fucking insane, but it was bound to happen at some point.
Later in the day they went away completely, came back for a little bit when I got home but all it really did was just fog up my head, and just now I cut up both thighs just because I really wanted to, but I've done that before. It's the most I've cut in a while, though, both thighs are completely fucked.
I'm calm and collected right now, which is why I'm taking the time to write this out. Tonight I'm almost positive I'll have another "daydream", or hear more voices or something and I just don't know what to do.
I would laugh randomly and not notice it until after I did. I got a little scared but I was also overcome with this weird sort of feeling... like, a dim, buzzing happiness.. even that I was going absolutely mad, I thought it was beautiful. And, I'm not even sure what triggered this, I just cracked underneath all of this wanting to come out before but fighting it with cutting, cigarettes, medicine, anything to numb these urges.
This morning, an anxiety attack woke me up. I really did NOT want to get up, I had this intense fear that today would be awful.. like, a phobia, like.. I really did NOT want to get up. It's happened before though. I got up, and voices, little whispers started. In my head, little whispers, started filling up my head and I couldn't control them but I la dee da'd my way to the bus stop, and the whole bus ride. I don't remember most of the whispers, they would come and go so quick, the only ones I remember fully was when the bus came, with each footstep I felt "mental, hospital, mental, hospital" and on the bus, I heard two of them fighting and I don't remember over what but I found it funny.
I sound fucking insane, but it was bound to happen at some point.
Later in the day they went away completely, came back for a little bit when I got home but all it really did was just fog up my head, and just now I cut up both thighs just because I really wanted to, but I've done that before. It's the most I've cut in a while, though, both thighs are completely fucked.
I'm calm and collected right now, which is why I'm taking the time to write this out. Tonight I'm almost positive I'll have another "daydream", or hear more voices or something and I just don't know what to do.