Caelum
December 11th, 2011, 04:05 PM
I think i have always had an a anger problem, but they started to get really bad when i was about 6 and a half years old, at that time my mother was in the process of divorcing my abusive stepfather and me and my brother who is older than by two years were in our room playing with our frisbee. My brother was aware of my anger problem and usually would try to provoke me, so while we were in our room he was throwing the frisbee towards places he knew i couldnt catch it and i kept asking him to stop but he went on laughing and at the same time telling me to control my anger in a taunting kind of way, i finally had enough and just flew into rage and ran into the kitchen and pulled a knife on him though he ran to my mother and my mother of course made me put the knife down.
Since that time i had moments where id get into rage but not as bad as that time. one time when i was 8 years old, i was playing with my brother and he was acting like he was my mothers ex husband (my abusive stepfather) and i was acting out what i would do to him when i grew and i got my brother into a choke hold and then sort of blacked out, when i came to my brother was nearly unconcious from me strangling him and i had not let go of him and i was still strangling him.
From that incident i have taught myself to control my anger and held alot of my emotions deep in me, recently me and my brother got into a fight (i am 15 now and he is seventeen) and now since ive grown alot stronger than him i tried to stop myself from hitting and just stuck to pushing him away from me,though he was punching me in my face, finally he pushed my little brother to the floor he was trying to stop us from fighting, and BAM! i exploded and started to punch him to the floor then got him in a choke hold and started strangling him, alls i felt was my own rage and i choked him till he crying and sobbing and was totally pathetic looking. later on i found out my mother had trying to pull me off of my brother and had beating my back with a stick to stop me from killing him, but i didnt feel a thing and was just in rage.and since then i have looked within myself to see who i was emotionally and i realized i am empty of love, i dont think i love my family i only feel a sense of duty towards them but not love. a few days ago i fought with him again and blacked out this time and when i came to found myself completely like a wild animal trying to kill somebody and my oder brother was running away from me.
i havnt told my parent about my blackouts and feelings about them, and am not sure if i should:(. PLEASE HELP.
i know this is long but please read i really think i might need some help
Since that time i had moments where id get into rage but not as bad as that time. one time when i was 8 years old, i was playing with my brother and he was acting like he was my mothers ex husband (my abusive stepfather) and i was acting out what i would do to him when i grew and i got my brother into a choke hold and then sort of blacked out, when i came to my brother was nearly unconcious from me strangling him and i had not let go of him and i was still strangling him.
From that incident i have taught myself to control my anger and held alot of my emotions deep in me, recently me and my brother got into a fight (i am 15 now and he is seventeen) and now since ive grown alot stronger than him i tried to stop myself from hitting and just stuck to pushing him away from me,though he was punching me in my face, finally he pushed my little brother to the floor he was trying to stop us from fighting, and BAM! i exploded and started to punch him to the floor then got him in a choke hold and started strangling him, alls i felt was my own rage and i choked him till he crying and sobbing and was totally pathetic looking. later on i found out my mother had trying to pull me off of my brother and had beating my back with a stick to stop me from killing him, but i didnt feel a thing and was just in rage.and since then i have looked within myself to see who i was emotionally and i realized i am empty of love, i dont think i love my family i only feel a sense of duty towards them but not love. a few days ago i fought with him again and blacked out this time and when i came to found myself completely like a wild animal trying to kill somebody and my oder brother was running away from me.
i havnt told my parent about my blackouts and feelings about them, and am not sure if i should:(. PLEASE HELP.
i know this is long but please read i really think i might need some help