Magenta
December 10th, 2011, 12:53 AM
I think too much. That's the only reason I'm still alive. I research how much it takes of different medications to overdose. I read about how far I'd need to cut. I scare myself. I think about how I don't know what comes next. I think about how I don't want to die alone even though I have nobody. I keep thinking I'll stick around one more day, wait for someone to come and help me and no one comes.
Sorry, no one comes in person. I have a blog, I have a Twitter, I have so many places I'm crying out for help. I message my friends, I try to sneak things into casual conversation that scream 'HELP ME' and no one sees it. They give up, saying they don't know how to help or what to say to me. That makes things worse... I'm such a head case that they can't even reply to me anymore...
So I try subtly. No one sees or cares.
People online do... and it's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that I have no ability to connect to people online. Words to me are just words. I'll read them, I can appreciate them and they do help a little but not the way someone actually being there would help. I don't know. I don't know how to help myself. My two best friends can't see how much pain I'm in but my online friends do and it hurts them when I push them away because it's just not helping.
I want to die. I want to die tonight but I can't. I was going to and then didn't. I just want out. I'm desperate. I'm completely alone, I can't go to my parents and this is just it for me. There's so much I want to do in my life and so much I enjoy just a little bit but no matter what, there's always that numbness or sadness or anger and it doesn't go away. When I'm 'happy', it's still there. It slowly ruins things. It ruins me.
I'm done... I can't do this anymore. If my two best friends, the two people I trust the most, can't see this, what's the point? There's no one else. It's not like I could survive on my own. I hate myself. It was my friends keeping me alive and now they're gone. I'm made fun of at school, I can't focus, I'm going to fail classes and I'm just never good enough at anything.
Sorry... just a rant. This was stupid and pointless. I've promised myself that I won't be turning 17. I promised myself that some point within the next six months is when I'm going to die. I'm just tired. I want the emotions to stop. I've given up on therapy that doesn't help, doctors that give me pills that only make me want to die more... I'm sick of it all.
I'm slowly falling apart, I can barely tell what's reality and what's my imagination anymore. I can't tell what I'm causing for myself or what is actually happening. I don't understand. I'm just sitting here in the middle of a world that's been ripped to shreds and put back together with pieces of things that don't belong. I wake up from dreams convinced that this is the dream, that this can't be real and that this is all a mistake. I spend half my time hiding from shadows and paranoid delusions. I tell myself that maybe if there really was someone hiding behind the shower curtains or doors or blinds, waiting to kill me, it would make more sense. I find myself wishing that someone would jump out and just murder me. I'm scared of my own shadow now... I'm scared of myself. I can't do this anymore.
(I'm sure none of that made sense so I'll just shut up and go to bed now.)
EDIT: Also, it's that time of year again. My two hospitalizations, my suicide attempt, everything just going around the bend. I can't handle the flashbacks or just the knowing what it was like last year. My life is already ruined, I see no reason to continue. I don't want to die, just for everything to stop for good. I guess that's just the coward's way of talking about death.
Sorry, no one comes in person. I have a blog, I have a Twitter, I have so many places I'm crying out for help. I message my friends, I try to sneak things into casual conversation that scream 'HELP ME' and no one sees it. They give up, saying they don't know how to help or what to say to me. That makes things worse... I'm such a head case that they can't even reply to me anymore...
So I try subtly. No one sees or cares.
People online do... and it's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that I have no ability to connect to people online. Words to me are just words. I'll read them, I can appreciate them and they do help a little but not the way someone actually being there would help. I don't know. I don't know how to help myself. My two best friends can't see how much pain I'm in but my online friends do and it hurts them when I push them away because it's just not helping.
I want to die. I want to die tonight but I can't. I was going to and then didn't. I just want out. I'm desperate. I'm completely alone, I can't go to my parents and this is just it for me. There's so much I want to do in my life and so much I enjoy just a little bit but no matter what, there's always that numbness or sadness or anger and it doesn't go away. When I'm 'happy', it's still there. It slowly ruins things. It ruins me.
I'm done... I can't do this anymore. If my two best friends, the two people I trust the most, can't see this, what's the point? There's no one else. It's not like I could survive on my own. I hate myself. It was my friends keeping me alive and now they're gone. I'm made fun of at school, I can't focus, I'm going to fail classes and I'm just never good enough at anything.
Sorry... just a rant. This was stupid and pointless. I've promised myself that I won't be turning 17. I promised myself that some point within the next six months is when I'm going to die. I'm just tired. I want the emotions to stop. I've given up on therapy that doesn't help, doctors that give me pills that only make me want to die more... I'm sick of it all.
I'm slowly falling apart, I can barely tell what's reality and what's my imagination anymore. I can't tell what I'm causing for myself or what is actually happening. I don't understand. I'm just sitting here in the middle of a world that's been ripped to shreds and put back together with pieces of things that don't belong. I wake up from dreams convinced that this is the dream, that this can't be real and that this is all a mistake. I spend half my time hiding from shadows and paranoid delusions. I tell myself that maybe if there really was someone hiding behind the shower curtains or doors or blinds, waiting to kill me, it would make more sense. I find myself wishing that someone would jump out and just murder me. I'm scared of my own shadow now... I'm scared of myself. I can't do this anymore.
(I'm sure none of that made sense so I'll just shut up and go to bed now.)
EDIT: Also, it's that time of year again. My two hospitalizations, my suicide attempt, everything just going around the bend. I can't handle the flashbacks or just the knowing what it was like last year. My life is already ruined, I see no reason to continue. I don't want to die, just for everything to stop for good. I guess that's just the coward's way of talking about death.