im just tired...

[always smiling...]

Just really want to get this out there, just another thing im tired of bottling up:
I’m just so tired of pretending I’m happy all the time. I put on this act and I’m sick of it. I don’t care. I hide behind this smile, I am forcing. I laugh so they don’t see. I don’t care about anything I do. Most of the times I don’t want to see people but I force myself to. I always have to keep the act up, or they ask questions I don’t want to answer. I just want to know there is someone if I need them.
It’s my last year in school and I have nothing to do once I leave, there’s just nothing I want to do. I don’t care about exams, or homework, and the work is building up. I got good standee grade results and 2 B’s last year at higher, but I did no revision for either exam because I couldn’t motivate myself to study, I don’t see the point. My parents, guidance teacher and other teachers are begging to pressure me to choose to do something after school, but I just am bothered. I don’t think about the future because I don’t want one.
All I want to do is sleep. I would happily sleep for ever. I don’t want to wish my life away but I am. Recently I told a few friends how I feel, as it had got worse but I only use them to make sure I don’t completely self-destruct. There nothing I want to do with my life. Everything in my mind is just pointless!! I don’t want to live. I feel this numbness all the time, but get these floods of anger and I’m scared of what I will do, because all I want to do is hurt something, someone or myself. I would never kill myself!! All that would do is hurt the people around me!! But I am really not seeing anything I want to live for.
All I ever want to do is to sleep. I just can never be bothered doing anything! I feel guilty a lot of the time, I got loving parents, really good friend and I good life but I still don’t want to live it!!
Over the last few weeks I been slipping up with the smiles and losing my temper at people. People have been asking me if I was oaky, and I just tell them I’m fine, I don’t like asking or getting help. I also spend time crying for no reason all I want to do is sleep and never wake up…

[bigjohnson]

everything will be ok it gets better

[always smiling...]

Yeah, but i only got 5 months till schools over, and nothing to do!! Things may get better but there going to get worse first!! going to hve my parents on my back about prelims in 2 months!! It won't be fun!!

[screamtobeheard]

I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry that you feel like this. No one should be forced to suffer like you are. I know how guilty you feel, and how hard it is to fake that damn smile. Ambivalence is never a good thing, though, and you can't hold an act together forever. Sooner or later, the act will break, and people will start to notice. All you want to do now is sleep, but at least you sleep a bit at night. When the mask starts to slip, you can't sleep at all, and you want to sleep more than ever. People will tell you you look sick, tired, or like death. It's terrible, because on top of how bad you already feel, people don't help you.

Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. The point is, I think you should talk to someone. Maybe a counselor at school or something. I think things like ambivalence and numbness can be symptoms of depression, and that can be treated. The light can be let back into your world, if you get help.

Good luck, love. I hope you feel better, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk.