Getting better?

[screamtobeheard]

I used to starve myself. I realize now, that it was a lot more serious than I was admitting, and I actually got to be rather small. I can now realize why people were starting to worry about me.

So I decided I'd get better. I'd just start eating normally, right? That'd fix me. I'd put the weight back on, cry, and be healthy again. And I did. I eat, most days. Some days, not so much.

Here's where the problem lies. Everything triggers me. I still hate myself. I still stare in the mirror and pinch my fat. I still cry when I put on clothes and see my gross body. When people don't eat, I'm triggered. When I learn about "the starving children in Africa," I'm triggered. When we talk about eating disorders, I'm triggered. I read Wintergirls: triggered. Another book called Hunger, and again: I'm triggered. I don't know what to do. I hate myself so much, and I just wish I could take a knife and cut all the fat off my body.

I just don't know what to do.

[Stefanie]

I'm going throughout the same problem all I do is try not to think of it
Much and have a regular small meal

If you want more help on what to do just massage me

Please do not double post, use the edit button- Fiction

[Fiction]

Amanda, I know exactly how you feel.

The only real thing that I can suggest is that you get professional help. I go through phases of "recovery" like this quite often, but I always end up back in my old habits. Doing this though, it shows that you're ready to get better, and that you want to get better. You just need that little bit of help to maintain this state of recovery, and to get rid of those thoughts.

It's those thoughts that needed to be tackled now, you've made the first step, keep going :)

[screamtobeheard]

I'm afraid of what people will say if I get help. It's so tempting to just patiently wait in "recovery" until I graduate and go to college, where no one will say anything about the fact that I don't eat.

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it.

[Amaryllis]

You're in the early phases of recovery and that's often the hardest part to conquer. But once you surpass this and you recover - completely, the self-hate does wane. However, eating disorders aren't just about eating and being a normal weight.

It's learning to accept that this is the body you've been blessed with, it's learning to appreciate yourself for more than just the way you look, it's learning how to see beyond yourself and your appearance and to seek beauty in everything, it's learning that control cannot be found in obsessing over food, it's learning to think of food as food and starvation as starvation. It's learning to become more than just your eating disorder. It's learning to accept that there are things you cannot change. It's learning to learn about yourself.

Life is too short to be wasted on suffering, too precious to be spent obsessing over your weight and food. Life is miserable when you let such a self-destructive mental illness take over you. It does not make you prettier, it does not give you the love or peace you so desire - it only creates in you a bitter demon who chases everyone and every bit of joy away.

Your thread was the first one I ever posted in - your were the reason why I joined. You've come so far, Amanda. I'm so proud of you and I hope you are, too. You're doing very well. Keep going, you'll come out a stronger, better person.

Love,
Amaryllis

[screamtobeheard]

I'm working on it, still. You're right. I can get past this. I think. I just don't want to. But I need to. For everyone who loves me.

Curiously, am I really the reason you joined? Thank you so much, that's actually really encouraging.