Me.

[Fiction]

I am so fed up of being me. Of being like I am. I don't know what it is about me but I honestly fuck up everything and anything I touch. I hate it.

It gets to the point where I sit on my bed in tears for hours on end, almost begging myself to kill myself. Begging myself to end it for everyone that's fucking effected by me everyday. I hate this and I can't go on much fucking longer like this.

I'm literally in tears as I write this and I can't even explain what i'm thinking anymore. Everything I do just brings me further and further down. I've never done anything good in my past. I've destroyed people, i've destoryed everyone I touch, and i'm just continuing to do it now.

I tend to tell the people close to me how I feel, about how I hate myself. It ruins their mood, and I feel worse for that. I end up feeling even more like a failure and it's a never ending cycle.

It can't and won't get better. It can't get better when i'm me. I need to either become a totally different person or just fucking disappear. Then I feel bad for thinking about killing myself. I logically know it'd hurt people, and I feel guilty, and even more like a bad person.

I feel worse than worthless. As though i'm below that. Rather than having no worth I have negative worth. I hate everything going on in my head. I hate it and I can't deal with anymore. Guess this is a rant. Sorry :/

[Fiction]

Anyone? I could really do with some help...

[Slytherin_Prince]

Ma'am,

I did not know that any of this was going on 0.0
I'm sorry to hear about this, and that I didn't react sooner.
I don't know if it's my place to comment, but I'll try my best.

Why are you supposedly destroying everything you touch?
In my eyes, you're a wonderful person, one that helps people and heals wounds and scars, mental ones as they may be, and therefore heals, not destroys.
You're absolutely perfect just the way you are.
I know that the going gets tough at times, but you'll always be better than how you see yourself right now.
And whatever you do, it's never worth it to end it because of that.
There are people here, people in your life, people everywhere, who care about you.
And that aside, why throw away your life like that?
Just to use a cheesy quote here: "Life's a gift. That's why they call it *present*."

Just to summarize, you're NOT worthless, not in even the slightest form of the phrase.
You're an amazing and wonderful individual, and I'm sure that many people indeed would agree with me.
You're NOT a failure.
And how does telling people close to you about how you feel make you a bad person?
If anything, it shows that you need those people. Any true friend would help you in that situation, no matter what.
At least, that's what I would do.

In short, don't feel like you're worth nothing, for quite the opposite is true.
I hope this helped in some way. Admittedly, I'm not very good at this.
I wish you the best of luck, and I'm always willing to talk if it helps.

Most sincerely,
Robert.

[Fiction]

Thanks for your reply Robert.

But i'm in tears again tonight. I push everyone away. If you're not pushed away, it's because you've not been close enough. Everyone gets pushed away in the end. No one sticks with me for long. I'm going to lose everyone. Even the people who I need, who I love. It's not there fault. I'm too much to cope with.

But as soon as he's gone i'm ending it. As soon as he's gone I know i'm worthless. I'm sorry.

[Slytherin_Prince]

Ma'am,

maybe I've not been close enough, but that doesn't mean I'd get pushed away. You assume that everyone gets pushed away, but I'm sure that most people wouldn't be, no matter what you think. You won't lose everyone. There'll always be people who'll love you and give you what you deserve. And you're not too much to cope with. Everyone's unique, and everyone has issues, and a past. I have similar issues, in fact. In my opinion, no one is too much to cope with, they just need to be understood.

But..if you don't mind me asking, who is "he"?

Most sincerely,
Robert.

[Fiction]

People say i'm not too much to cope with until they really know me. Then they do leave. Everyone does.

[Kaius]

He is me. She seems to think im going to just wander off whenever the feeling takes me. I've already assured her often enough I'm not leaving without cause but she really needs to talk to someone because I think this is even way over my head now, theres no more I can do to help.

[Slytherin_Prince]

People say i'm not too much to cope with until they really know me. Then they do leave. Everyone does.

Ma'am,

I, of all people, know that feeling very much. I've been abandoned by everyone, and lost everything, about 4 years ago. it's corrupted me more than most people can imagine. But still, not everyone is like that.
Not everyone will abandon you in the end, ma'am. In fact, there will always be the ones who stay. I'm wholeheartedly convinced of that.

Most sincerely,
Robert.

[UnknownError]

Kathy you know its not true, you dont destroy everything you touch.
Infact without people like you on here who knows what my arms, probably more, would be like.
You help more than you destroy.

Listen to Aaron, he's not going to leave you for no reason what so ever.
Hold on, you're better than this.

[Fiction]

Kathy you know its not true, you dont destroy everything you touch.
Infact without people like you on here who knows what my arms, probably more, would be like.
You help more than you destroy.

Listen to Aaron, he's not going to leave you for no reason what so ever.
Hold on, you're better than this.

I'm too much to cope with. He shouldn't have too put up with me. He shouldn't have to deal with someone like me. He deserves better. I believe that with all of my heart and it's killing me.

He is me. She seems to think im going to just wander off whenever the feeling takes me. I've already assured her often enough I'm not leaving without cause but she really needs to talk to someone because I think this is even way over my head now, theres no more I can do to help.

I'm sorry. I love you

[UnknownError]

But he loves you.
And that can make someone ignore anything, and make them want to help you.
Which he does.
That's why I think you should do what he says, you need to talk to someone who's a professional at this.

[Slytherin_Prince]

But he loves you.
And that can make someone ignore anything, and make them want to help you.
Which he does.
That's why I think you should do what he says, you need to talk to someone who's a professional at this.

Agreed. Aaron loves you, so he'd be more than willing to "cope" with anything.
That's the premise of love anyway, if you ask me.

Most sincerely,
Robert.

[Fiction]

I find it completely impossible to say these things out loud. I really just can't do it :/ I know that i'll go and automatically put up the front that i'm fine, and get sent away again.

[UnknownError]

Write it down somewhere before you go then give it to the person? Or show them some of these posts. (not online ofc, print them off.)

[Amaryllis]

I'm so sorry for the late reply. I haven't been posting in the psych ward lately, as you've probably noticed - because I feel as if I'm repeating myself over and over and I truly can't help anyone who won't help themselves.

Kathy, you have touched more lives in a positive manner than you believe you have. Many people look up to and adore you. You have someone who loves you dearly and we love you, too.

What is making you feel the way you do? How will you cope with it? Is it yourself? What do you not love about yourself? What can you change and is possible to change without hurting yourself and others even more? If you truly cannot change the way you act, what can you do to change the way you think and feel?

Bringing yourself down will not get you anywhere in life, Kathy. It isn't going to give you the love, attention and acceptance you so desire. Aaron, your friends and family can all love you with all the love they can possibly give.

But it will never make up for the love you do not give yourself.

You don't even need to start with -love- yet. Learn to accept and be okay with you are. Because you can't change who you are. You're you no matter what you do. Why wish you were somebody else? It's never going to happen.

There's only one of you, and that's you. It's a fact that cannot change. Accept it. You feel horrible - cry. Acknowledge that that is how you feel. Then think "Where am I going to go from here on? And how will I conquer all the adversities in my life?"

Most of the time I hate the way I look. So I don't scrutinise myself in the mirror, I don't keep pictures I don't like of myself. And when I do look at myself in the mirror, I look at the bits I -do- like. But truly... Few people care. Perhaps their first impressions of you is the way you look - but after some time that disappears and they fall in love with your character.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can be a victim or you can be a survivor. Life is unfair. But you don't have to fall victim to it. Learn, grow and live.

[georgiamay]

I've hardly been on VT lately, so I've only just seen this. :eek:

Kathy, :hug3: can I just say that you're definitely not too much to cope with. People that talk to you are trying to help you, Aaron loves you, I love you, your friends and family love you, and none of us don't want to "cope" with you.

And honestly, they don't "cope" with you, because that suggests that they don't want to do it, they just have to. They want to help you, and they want to be with you, and they want you to be okay.

I know it's hard to see anything good in yourself, but no one is all bad.

You're a much better person than you take yourself for, and everyone can see that except you. Listen to everyone, you're a good person. You just need to realise that. One day, you'll be able to look in the mirror and say, "You know what? I'm a pretty good human being, and I'm proud to be me." You just need to hold on long enough to get there.

[Fiction]

I'm so sorry for the late reply. I haven't been posting in the psych ward lately, as you've probably noticed - because I feel as if I'm repeating myself over and over and I truly can't help anyone who won't help themselves.

Kathy, you have touched more lives in a positive manner than you believe you have. Many people look up to and adore you. You have someone who loves you dearly and we love you, too.

What is making you feel the way you do? How will you cope with it? Is it yourself? What do you not love about yourself? What can you change and is possible to change without hurting yourself and others even more? If you truly cannot change the way you act, what can you do to change the way you think and feel?

Bringing yourself down will not get you anywhere in life, Kathy. It isn't going to give you the love, attention and acceptance you so desire. Aaron, your friends and family can all love you with all the love they can possibly give.

But it will never make up for the love you do not give yourself.

You don't even need to start with -love- yet. Learn to accept and be okay with you are. Because you can't change who you are. You're you no matter what you do. Why wish you were somebody else? It's never going to happen.

There's only one of you, and that's you. It's a fact that cannot change. Accept it. You feel horrible - cry. Acknowledge that that is how you feel. Then think "Where am I going to go from here on? And how will I conquer all the adversities in my life?"

Most of the time I hate the way I look. So I don't scrutinise myself in the mirror, I don't keep pictures I don't like of myself. And when I do look at myself in the mirror, I look at the bits I -do- like. But truly... Few people care. Perhaps their first impressions of you is the way you look - but after some time that disappears and they fall in love with your character.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can be a victim or you can be a survivor. Life is unfair. But you don't have to fall victim to it. Learn, grow and live.

I've hardly been on VT lately, so I've only just seen this. :eek:

Kathy, :hug3: can I just say that you're definitely not too much to cope with. People that talk to you are trying to help you, Aaron loves you, I love you, your friends and family love you, and none of us don't want to "cope" with you.

And honestly, they don't "cope" with you, because that suggests that they don't want to do it, they just have to. They want to help you, and they want to be with you, and they want you to be okay.

I know it's hard to see anything good in yourself, but no one is all bad.

You're a much better person than you take yourself for, and everyone can see that except you. Listen to everyone, you're a good person. You just need to realise that. One day, you'll be able to look in the mirror and say, "You know what? I'm a pretty good human being, and I'm proud to be me." You just need to hold on long enough to get there.

Thank you both of you <3

I'm holding on. Today was the worst day i've had in a while and I don't think i've ever been as suicidal as I have been today, but i'm still here. I'm going to get help on wednesday and hope that they can do something. As hard as I try, i'll break eventually if this doesn't get better.