Can't sleep anymore.

[AppealToReason]

First thread talking about this. wewtwewt.
I really can't sleep anymore. I swear, some nights I can be starring at nothing and see him. Not his full face, but his body and I know it's him. I KNOW it. He's just there, starring back. I can't do anything about it. No matter who I tell or what help I get he'll still be there. And it's my fault. My.fucking.fault. I was stupid and opened the door. I was stupid and ignored my parent's advice, so I deserved it, right?
School isn't helping either. I sit next to annoying dickwads in band who think it's funny to sexually touch other people. Normally I wouldn't give two shits, but I can not stand people touching my neck. I've asked sooo many times for him to fuck off and stop touching my neck, but he never listens. I know I should fight back, but I can't. I couldn't fight back then, so why should I be able to now. It's happened more times than I'd ever tell anyone and the ending was always the same if I fought. I can't take being touched anymore. I can't even look a man in the eyes or stand next to him.
So back to the main point, I can't sleep anymore. I mean, I fall asleep eventually, but I'm exhausted when I wake up. The older I get, the more I realize what happened to me, and the more problems I have with it. I didn't think about it as much when I was younger. Now that I'm older, it's all I fucking think about. I want to have a full nights sleep, and go to school, and stop doing drugs, and stop cutting and burning myself, and stop having problems with food, and stop seeing these fucking men everywhere, and stop being terrified of any man who gets within five feet of me, but I can't. I'm stuck with this pain for life, yo.
Sorry for typos/confusing shit. Not proofreading this. Can't.
/endrant.

[ImCoolBeans]

Have you considered talking about it? If you do, make sure its someone that you're comfortable with and you genuinely trust. Getting it off your chest and being able to vent might help clear your mind a bit, if you think about it a lot.

[AppealToReason]

Have you considered talking about it? If you do, make sure its someone that you're comfortable with and you genuinely trust. Getting it off your chest and being able to vent might help clear your mind a bit, if you think about it a lot.

I really don't trust anyone. Talking to a friend about my SH and then having them laugh at me about it ruined any chance I have of trusting someone. I only talk to one person about this on here, though we don't talk much anymore so...I'm stuck feeling like this.

[Dimitri]

First thread talking about this. wewtwewt.
I really can't sleep anymore. I swear, some nights I can be starring at nothing and see him. Not his full face, but his body and I know it's him. I KNOW it. He's just there, starring back. I can't do anything about it. No matter who I tell or what help I get he'll still be there. And it's my fault. My.fucking.fault. I was stupid and opened the door. I was stupid and ignored my parent's advice, so I deserved it, right?

WRONG, you never deserve anything like that, never ever ever!!!!

School isn't helping either. I sit next to annoying dickwads in band who think it's funny to sexually touch other people. Normally I wouldn't give two shits, but I can not stand people touching my neck. I've asked sooo many times for him to fuck off and stop touching my neck, but he never listens. I know I should fight back, but I can't. I couldn't fight back then, so why should I be able to now. It's happened more times than I'd ever tell anyone and the ending was always the same if I fought. I can't take being touched anymore. I can't even look a man in the eyes or stand next to him.

Stop it, stop it right now, you listen here!!!! You are stronger than that. Talk to your band director and if that does not work go to the school counselor, that is why they are there. Then if that does not work fuck them all and go to the Principal if not go to the police, if your parents are not caring enough to stand up with you then go to the police (I am not insinuating anything about your parents but please tell them also.)

So back to the main point, I can't sleep anymore. I mean, I fall asleep eventually, but I'm exhausted when I wake up. The older I get, the more I realize what happened to me, and the more problems I have with it. I didn't think about it as much when I was younger. Now that I'm older, it's all I fucking think about. I want to have a full nights sleep, and go to school, and stop doing drugs, and stop cutting and burning myself, and stop having problems with food, and stop seeing these fucking men everywhere, and stop being terrified of any man who gets within five feet of me, but I can't. I'm stuck with this pain for life, yo.

Stop. Take a step back and listen, I know you feel this is your fault but you need to know that there are other people, even here that can help you.

Sorry for typos/confusing shit. Not proofreading this. Can't.
/endrant.

Dude you are fine, relax, you can make as many mistakes as you like, if you want to spell every single word wrong than you do that, this is your thread, your call out for help.

Many of us here can answer you call but please realize that none of use are trained professionals and we cannot be substituted for such.

I have spoken with some of my friends whom I trust dearly, I have gone through something similar to what it sound like but that was YEARS ago.

I suggest this, for to help with the sleep take a flashlight before you go to bed, start with the lights on, go into each room and call out his name, and when he does not appear or call back you know he is not there, then go to the next room.

The next week turn off the lights in one room and repeat the thing of calling out his name, then after that week turn out another light and repeat this.

You need to get it into your head that h is not in your house, not there anymore.

As for the seeing him at school and everywhere else stay with a group of friends, talk to the guidance counselor and they should be able to help.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk, rant or just to chit chat, I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR ANYONE WHO ASKES FOR HELP....

[AppealToReason]

But I do feel like I deserve it. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. Honestly, as bad as they are for me, SH and drugs are my closest "friends" right now. I should get help, but it's only one more year until I'm 18 and no longer need to involve my family or friends in my problems. That's what I fear most, bringing them down with my problems. There's enough important crap happening that they have to deal with, so I'd rather just continue as I've been doing for awhile. I'll be fine, I know I will. If I made it ten years without saying anything, I can go another 11 months, right?
Anyways, thank Dimitri, for your post. Really, really, really, really, really thank you.

[Dimitri]

I'll be fine, I know I will. If I made it ten years without saying anything, I can go another 11 months, right?


WRONG!!!!

Holding this up inside yourself allows it to grow, it then gives it power over your life....

Nothing and I repeat NOTHING should be more important to your family and PARENTS then helping you, no matter how old you are. I am 19 and I still go to my parents about a lot of things, I know that when I need something or something as gone wrong that they will drop whatever it is and come running, they need to know. They might not like it at first but hey need to know.

Please, PM me if you ever want to talk, I always respond.

[Amaryllis]

Michael, I miss you so much. You don't reply to my messages anymore but I still care and I always worry about you. To be honest, I'm not doing much better than you are but I'm trying. I'm a lot less secretive about all of this than you are. It allows me to disconnect myself from it. Another thing for be to dump on a part of myself I don't consider me.

Angel, you truly aren't at fault. It's hard to believe, no matter what anyone says, but you were a child. He used your vulnerability and innocence to overpower you. You did what any child in your situation would've done. You didn't know any better then. You do now.

The abuse is over. He truly can't physically hurt you anymore. But don't let the mental torment go on forever. You aren't the same person as the boy who was raped. You're two different people. Our minds change every minute. You don't have to be a victim anymore, Michael. Be a survivor.

Have you considered talking to a mental health professional? You don't have to tell your family the real reason why. Just tell them you're depressed and suffer from horrible insomnia. They can help you with the drugs and self harm as well. Which, btw, I haven't been cutting for 5 weeks. But I have been taking painkillers. I know I know. And no, you didn't influence me into doing it.

The neck fear isn't abnormal. I am so paranoid about pictures being taken of me and especially when they're posted on the Internet. It causes me so much distress. But I'm trying to conquer that by putting up pictures of myself on my own.

We're stronger than they are. And you're not the helpless little boy anymore. You're someone different and you're resillient. It's horrible. What happened to you. But you can't change the past. And he doesn't have to hurt you more than he already has. You don't have to be caught in the pain forever. Accept what's happened to you. Allow yourself to feel the hate, anger, sadness and fear. When you see him, stay with the anxiety for awhile then reason with yourself. Is he really there? No.

And remember. You're not that vulnerable little boy anymore.

[Carlyle]

Jonte, get out. praying never works for christ sake. Michael, I'm really sorry to hear about that, but no one deserves such things. Ranting alone helps at times, but maybe you could try talking to someone you trust?

[Jupiter]

All he said was he was praying. That's a nice gesture. Plus, he was just trying to help..

[Slytherin_Prince]

All he said was he was praying. That's a nice gesture. Plus, he was just trying to help..

The post wasn't exactly helpful, Eric. I agree with Carlyle here.

As to the contents of the thread,

I understand more than you know what it feels like. I have nightmares -every- time I go to sleep, and even if I don't, I can still see the things that happened as if they happened yesterday. I can even feel it, even though it's just psychological. I would like to say that it'll go away in time, but in my case, it's been going on for 4 years. I just hope you'll get better in time.
Whenever you need to talk about anything, you may always send me a message.

Most sincerely,
Robert.

[AppealToReason]

No, I'm fine with him offering prayer. I may not believe in it, but if that's how he wants to help then I see no problem with his post.

Anyways, I no longer feel comfortable leaving this thread open.

[Scarface]

op request.