Should relationships be natural?

[Buranri]

My other thread kind of morphed into this, so I figured I'd start an actual topic. I mean this specifically for my situation, but also just as a general discussion.

Should relationships be natural? Should every step be easy, and relatively uncomplicated?

Now, to explain that - obviously there are issues in every relationship. But I'll explain where I'm coming from on this.

Last fall, I had my one and only relationship in my life. We knew each other for about 3 weeks, dated for another 2 weeks, and then broke up. She broke up with me to date my friend - which I didn't blame her for, they had dated that summer and were on more of a break than an actual split. But anyways... everything just felt so easy with her. Asking her to homecoming, asking her to be my girlfriend a few weeks later. Kissing her on the night of homecoming. Having a conversation, hanging out... it was natural.

My issue, now, is that I can't figure out whether that's supposed to happen or whether it was a one time thing. Like I said I haven't dated before, or since, those two weeks. There are a few girls I've thought of asking out, over the past year, but I've never done anything. For some reason... it's just not the same. It seems so difficult to do, and so complicated, and I can't help comparing it to my last relationship. I know I shouldn't, as it barely lasted 2 weeks, and I know I'm just over thinking/afraid of rejection - both of which are true. That said... it's fucking pissing me off. I'm literally the only one in my group NOT in a committed relationship, and it's terrible. Everything is weird when you're the extra wheel 100% of the time.

And once again, going off topic. My overall question is this - Should relationships be intuitive, or am I over thinking this? Should I just go for it and ask someone out, or have I just not found the right person to ask out yet?

[Sage]

It really depends on what your goals are. If all you want to do is have fun, then you won't stress yourself and social finesse will come to you easily. If, however, you subscribe to this ideal that the only respectable relationship is long-term, monogamous, and your partner is meant to completely fulfill every single one of your needs, then you'll find yourself very insecure and anxious when reality comes knocking at your door.

Don't let the illusion of a fairy-tale perfect relationship bother you, no matter how much we as a culture seem to adore that sort of rubbish. Have fun- if you think you fancy someone, try your luck and get to know them, go out. If things don't work out, don't stress it. There is no 'right one.' No single girl is going to completely fulfill all your emotional and physical desires for the rest of your life, nor should they be expected to.

"Committed" relationships in highschool are unnecessary stress anyway. You're not an 'extra wheel'- nobody's meant to be your "other half." You're you, other people are other people. Take some pride in your independence, people love that in a potential partner.

[Buranri]

"Committed" relationships in highschool are unnecessary stress anyway. You're not an 'extra wheel'- nobody's meant to be your "other half." You're you, other people are other people. Take some pride in your independence, people love that in a potential partner.

In some ways, yeah. But the best times I've had recently were when I was on tour and when I was dating, so I can't help but want to go back to that.

It also doesn't help that I get shit from my friends constantly for being the only single one. I was fine with it for a while, but I'm just getting tired of it. I'm tired of being the odd one out every day, being the only one sitting alone. I'm tired of all my friends telling stories of what they did over the weekend, and my only story being "well... I kind of got to first base once, like a year ago".

Maybe part of the problem is the people I hang out with... They're all cool people, but we also don't share a lot of interests. I'm basically a band nerd - I'm in jazz band, marching band, percussion ensemble. I do drum corps - which is basically marching band, but all summer long touring across the country. Basically, most of what I do is music and drumming. Whereas as my friends... to them, band was just something they did for the credits and doing it beyond that is really lame. Unfortunately, the vast majority of band people at my school are either like that, or are the stereotypical "weird, nerdy band kid who spends his lunches in the band room". The only place I feel like I really fit in is with my corps friends, but I only do that once a month during the school year. I don't mind hanging out with non band people, I can deal with getting shit for doing band. It doesn't exactly make it easy to socialize or be comfortable with people when I feel completely different from most people. Most of the people I enjoy talking to, however, are not an option for some various reason. Either I'm not into them or they're not into me, it never seems to work out right.

And that turned into another rant. Go me! TLDR - I am sick of being single and want a long term relationship now, plus I just don't feel comfortable casually dating with most of the people I know at my school.

[Sage]

And that turned into another rant. Go me! TLDR - I am sick of being single and want a long term relationship now, plus I just don't feel comfortable casually dating with most of the people I know at my school.

I think you hit the nail on the head in realizing you're hanging out with a pretty unhelpful group of 'friends,' but you need to take a step back and re-examine why you want a relationship. Do you really think you'd want one if you did have a positive group of friends who shared a lot more of your interests, and didn't alienate you for being in a different situation?

It really seems to me like you only want a relationship to fit in here, and that's just the wrong way to go about being social, or doing anything in fact. If that's the only reason you're pursuing a girlfriend, then it won't be sincere- just like the many people you know in band class, who aren't there for sincere reasons.

It may seem unfair and frustrating now, but a valuable lesson I've learned back when I was in highschool is that it's better to take pride in doing your own thing than worrying what everyone else thinks, even if that means you're isolated. It's completely possible that no one at your school has similar interests to you. That's life. That happens more times than you'd think- but it's a real test of character, and even if staying true to yourself means you'll be alone in the meantime, you should.

Never get into a relationship thinking that being taken will solve deeper seeded problems. It never does.

[Buranri]

I wouldn't go as far as "friends", but they're just not people I really share a lot with when it comes to dating. As for no one having similar interests, I'm pretty sure that's true. It takes a really odd type of person to leave their friends behind for 2 months to go play band. It's nice because there's an instant bond between everyone you tour with - some of the greatest, and most inspirational people I've met were on tour - but it also means there's a bit of a disconnect when you get back to real life.

But honestly... I think I still would want a relationship, and still did this summer, though it wasn't as big of a deal.

Edit: And of course, just to complicate my life more... when there is someone I want to ask out, she's into a friend of mine.

[Sage]

It takes a really odd type of person to leave their friends behind for 2 months to go play band.
Nothing odd about that- that's just dedication, and it'll take you far in life.

It's nice because there's an instant bond between everyone you tour with - some of the greatest, and most inspirational people I've met were on tour - but it also means there's a bit of a disconnect when you get back to real life.
I'd tell you 'there doesn't need to be a disconnect,' but since you're in highschool, I can understand some of the age/transport restrictions on how far you can go out to meet new people and socialize. Just realize that the social scene in highschool can be pretty stagnant, but if you keep your eyes on a prize and do well, a lot of opportunities to go to new places and make new friends will come your way.

But honestly... I think I still would want a relationship, and still did this summer, though it wasn't as big of a deal.
Which is fair enough, but I still stand by my point- there are deeper problems at play here that are stressing you out over this.

Edit: And of course, just to complicate my life more... when there is someone I want to ask out, she's into a friend of mine.
Try anyway. Be spontaneous. Competitive. I think it's even better that way, because if she turns you down, you can bet it was because of her, and not because of anything you tried.

[Buranri]

Nothing odd about that- that's just dedication, and it'll take you far in life.

Still a little odd :p Definitely worth it though.

I'd tell you 'there doesn't need to be a disconnect,' but since you're in highschool, I can understand some of the age/transport restrictions on how far you can go out to meet new people and socialize. Just realize that the social scene in highschool can be pretty stagnant, but if you keep your eyes on a prize and do well, a lot of opportunities to go to new places and make new friends will come your way.

That's kind of my idea right now. Fuck high school, I'm just meeting who I can outside of school and waiting till college.

Which is fair enough, but I still stand by my point- there are deeper problems at play here that are stressing you out over this.

I'm curious, care to elaborate on this?

Try anyway. Be spontaneous. Competitive. I think it's even better that way, because if she turns you down, you can bet it was because of her, and not because of anything you tried.

Perhaps... Hmmm.

[Buranri]

Well... shit. I was talking to my friend and a girl I like on Facebook. I meant to send my friend a message saying "i'm thinking of asking (girl) out... thoughts?", but it accidentally got typed in her chat. Here's basically how the conversation went:

Me - So I'm thinking of asking (girl) out... thoughts?

(girl) - Awkwwarddddd
Talking in third person or the chat went to the wrong person?

Me - Wrong person, shit. Yay facebook.

(girl) - Haha it's fine, it happens.

And then a silence that somehow managed to be awkward over Facebook, while I tried to figure out if there was anything to say.