Not Deep Enough *may trigger*

[acryforhelp]

So I have relapsed into cutting again....6 months without it and now my thigh and hip are all cut up. Even after cutting though...I keep feeling like I need to cut deeper. I want to cut deeper but I am afraid about getting caught. Then what....I dont get to cut anymore. I confided in a friend last night. She is like a mom figure to me and so we actually had a civilized conversation about it all. She asked where, why, with what...those types of questions but she never asked me to give her my blades. So did I get away with it? Will I be able to continue......why do these questions keep running through my head. I am not even 100% sure why I cut except that its better to feel that pain rather than what I am really feeling. If that even makes any sense. I dont even know anymore. I feel like I am right back to where I was 6 months ago and I have been in a treatment facility for those 6 months. I should "know better".....yet its like I dont. I want to continue cutting......

[Charlotte93]

just cause you've been in treatment dosn't mean a thing, yes it probably helped a little but if those feelings aren't gone than you've still got some things to deal with. It's great that you have someone to confide in a lot of people don't have that. You said you just wanted to cut so you could feel the pain rather than what your really feeling. If you don't ever feel what you're really feeling then you wont ever get pased it. It takes time and the willingness to let those feelings come out no matter how painful. Cutting dosn't solve it, it just allows you to pretend you don't have anything else wrong and all you have to do is focus on the pain. But we all have wrong things, there always there but they get easyer to manage once you get used to them, you'll never get used to them if you keep on cutting.

You also said how you wernt sure if you got cought or not since she didn't take away your blades, Tecnicly no you didn't get caught you admited it. That takes maturity and also shows you the fact that your ready to change. You addmited that you screwed up that means you've come to terms with the fact that it's not okay. Even though you want to continue cutting you know it's not good for you so don't and i know it's not that simple but try it dose take time but you did it before you can do it again.

We're here for you.

[bena3217]

you know it takes lots of time to stop...its not easy...you cant just decide you are going to stop today...im not saying cut youself up...im just saying dont try and do it after one day...givinger her your blades is a good thing...but trust me...you will go look for other ways...i not telling you to do anything stupid...just take your time. deeper cuts wont make anything diffrent...the fact that you cut is enough...just because you have deeper cuts doesnt mean you have worse problems...if you want it so bad the try and replace it...instead of cutting...do something else like going to the gym...go running...go to the fridge and get something to eat and park your ass infront the TV...everytime you feel you need a cut...just gp out the house and get some fresh air...call a friend and have a chat...all these things help...i hope :)

[acryforhelp]

So I told the lady I am living with and my accountability person that I have been cutting. I actually ended up giving my blades to my accountability (only I had more at home) I feel better now that they know....but I still have been doing it. Its so frustrating that I feel like I dont have a friend I can lean on for support....she is going through her own stuff and it just doesnt feel right being with her anymore. I dont know why. I hate the feeling though. I want to cry and just be held by someone....ya know?