snowblinded
November 25th, 2011, 01:22 PM
I recently wrote a little thing about me, here it is.. i just don't feel like living any more.. i mean theres nothing even that wrong with my life, i feel so ungrateful and i just can't understand whether or not i'm being stupid for felling like i do. I just feel like I have no one to talk to and i cant sleep at all. I don't know what to do anymore i think i just need to get this stuff out. Especially as the past few weeks my dads been getting so angry at me, i feel so worthless all the time.
Anyway here is most of it:
"I think one thing people can think about me is that I never seem happy, this is something that only people who have either made me upset in some way in the past or people who are really good at noticing things will pick up on. To be honest they are right. As a general rule I am not that happy most of the time. I don’t really know why, I always feel guilty for it because there are so many people who have had a much worse life than me and they are quite fine. If I ever show that side of me to people I always feel like I’m attention seeking or that I don’t deserve to be sad or anything because nothing bad has happened to me. I suppose that’s just who I am and hopefully one day ill be better and actually feel confident and happy in life.
I guess now I should probably vaguely go over some things that have happened which I suppose could explain part of how I am and things that have probably changed me as a person. Again id like to say I’m sure none of this seems that bad but I just want to write things down vaguely as I think it might help me.
Well, first things first I have never and will never believe that I am in any way attractive. I remember when I was really young I would buy teenage magazines that had articles on bullying in them and I would always think that when I’m older I will be the girl that is bullied. I don’t even know why I had so little confidence in myself then, I just thought that because of how I looked that that would be a given and completely accepted it which is actually quite sad come to think of it. Another earlyish thing is that I’m pretty sure I was sexually molested (that makes it sound really bad, it wasn’t like that I just don’t know the word) or something along those lines when I was younger. I don’t know if it like counts because it was only by a girl who was a similar age to me at the time but she locked me in a bathroom stall and wouldn’t let me leave, I suppose it could be put down to being young and curious but I remember being scared and not liking it so um.. yeah who knows what happened there. In year five and six I was bullied by my best friend at the time. There were only 5 girls in my class and she’d get the other girls together and tell them to ignore me and then call me names and push me around. In her words it was ‘playing’ bullying but it meant I didn’t want to come to school much. If I went round to hers and didn’t do what she said shed pin me to her bed and spit on me. Luckily in year six I was ok because I had that primary school version of a boyfriend so I just hung around with him and he’d defend me if anything bad happened.
One of the unluckiest days I had was in 2006 when we found out what secondary schools we’d be going to. I had the flu, found out id gotten into a school really far away that had a bad reputation and it was also the day my mum decided to tell me my dad had moved out. I feel bad because I didn’t even realise he hadn’t been at home the last few days. I think that the reason he left was that he couldn’t stand being around me, my sister and my mum. My mum said he had to go because he had problems with anger and keeping his temper. For ages my mum was really sad and it’s the only time ive seen her cry before. I do love my dad and everything but he does really scare me too. For as long as I can remember he’s gotten angry with us and also to the point of being angrily violent. One main example is on my 10th birthday when we were sitting eating lunch and I was holding my cutlery wrong. I was trying so hard to do it right but he got really angry with me and slammed his cutlery down so hard that his plate smashed in half and his food rolled across the table. I also have some diary entries from when I was younger that id written in tears saying how scary my daddy was and how he always was mad at me. My sister occasionally lied saying id hit her or whatever and I remember him shouting at me and pushing me against the wall at the bottom of my stairs hard enough that I couldn’t breathe for a bit. Anyway, I think that know he doesn’t live with us its better, I do see him a lot still and that’s good because it means he loses his temper a lot less. Apparently living with me is enough to drive people to violence but I’m glad that never happens much any more. I kind of feel sorry for my mum though, I don’t think they’re even divorced so she can’t have a husband or see anyone else really. I know that he does, I borrowed his laptop on holiday and found a letter he’d written to some woman id met a few weeks before saying all the things they had in common and how he thinks they should see more of each other. I have met several women before that he’s been seeing without telling my mum I think which I think is unfair but who am I to say what’s right. I just want my mum to be happy really so as long as she doesn’t know I suppose I can’t do a lot.
Hmm what else can I say… I had a weird year in year 11. I spent it getting either drunk or high every weekend which probably isn’t a good thing. I just felt so pointless in the world that I wanted to forget about things. I would always get with the same guy as well and that made other people mad because they thought he was taking advantage of me. I did end up going out with him in the end so I suppose at least it got somewhere. I do have quite bad luck with guys I think though; I always get into that horrible routine of seeing someone quite a lot and acting kind of coupley with them, like kissing and stuff but never going out with them. That’s fine with me because the minute I have someone I get bored of them, but it does seem to mess with other people a bit. In year 11 two of best guy friends liked me. They’d try and almost blackmail me into going out with them and I didn’t want to because I knew id only end up hurting them. They both got scary obsessive at one point or another and I had a lot of horrible late night conversations with them about how much they liked me. They also both got quite depressed taking time off school and things and telling me later how they’d got to the points of almost committing suicide. Id of been happy to help them with this but they both made out that it was my fault that they were so messed up and that they couldn’t live any more. I felt so so bad and I’m not sure even now how Id done this. It got to the point where they’d ignore me for weeks on end because they said I messed with their heads and we couldn’t be friends. They also tried to interfere with any form of relationship I tried to have with anyone else, messing it up before it could even start.
I think that year I did get further and further into the horrible state of mind I’m left with now. I think the worst day of my life so far was probably in June 2011 when my boyfriend broke up with me. Not because of that of course but him doing that was the last person or thing in a whole long line of things happening that just seemed to drive me over the edge. I picture myself at that point a bit like a game of jenga. I was being taken apart piece by piece and growing taller and taller as people expected more and more of me and he was like the last piece to be taken out before the tower collapsed. That day I tried to kill myself. Everything happened so fast, my head was a mess and stupidly I tried to do it just before my mum and sister got home from work and school. Luckily, in my general anger I hadn’t thought it through so I didn’t really come close to dying, I just had to try and fix myself up in time for them to get back because I knew then that I was being stupid and I could never do that to them. That night I went out to the woods with some friends and carved my initials in a tree stump which now reminds me of that day every time I see it. I felt horrible for weeks after that and unfortunately it was in the middle of my GCSE exams but I did still pass so that’s fine. The only other time I went further with suicide than just thinking about it was a few months later when Id been feeling slowly worse. I wrote a series of suicide notes inside paper cranes and hung them from my ceiling… luckily that’s about as far as I got with that plan.
Another thing that I have probably forgotten to mention is that I’m addicted to pain. In the sense that I cut. I think the first time I cut was about four years ago. I have been self harming on a more regular basis for just over the past year or so. I can’t stop and I hate it but also at the same time I love it. No one knows really and I can’t imagine what would happen if my parents found out. A few of my friends know, mainly my ex-boyfriend who is also my best friend because after I tried to kill myself he was the one who said he’d come to hospital if I wanted him to. Actually, a total of 6 or 7 of my friends know because they saw once ages ago when I was drunk. What none of them know is how much its escalated since then and that I haven’t stopped like I promised I would. The only person I have spoken to about it properly is ironically the girl my ex broke up with me for because she has too before. I can’t believe I actually spoke to her about it though because she is actually a really really horrible person who has now gone on to hurt so many of my friends. I hope one day ill stop cutting but for now I’ll just keep gaining more and more scars to hide.
Ok, I cant believe ive rambled on so much and if anyone is still reading this then well done for staying awake! You deserve a lollipop :) speaking of food, I have a weird thing with food, I can’t look at packets for the calories because I will start calorie counting and I will stop eating altogether. It’s happened before and it will happen again. Luckily I now know that I just shouldn’t look so I think most of the time I have the eating thing under control. I am used to being fat now so that fine. Riiight I should probably shut up now before I think of another pointless thing to moan about. I can already think of more things that I want to write about (including a weird phase of self-tattooing as self harm in disguise that me and a friend went through) but thatll have to wait for another day. Right now I am trying my best to be happy and make friends and live a normal life and I seem to be doing ok, just recently I think ive been slipping away into my own world a bit too much which has been dangerous in past experiences so ive written this to let me go over one or two things in my head. I just want to be happy and not so crazy. I am sorry to everyone that Ive moaned for what would be 3 pages of a word document about things that aren’t important. Most of all to anyone reading this I would love to talk to you and help you with your actual problems rather than my silly little pathetic ones. That’s what I’m good at to be honest, I always get stuck thinking about everyone elses problems and never my own which might be why I had to write this."
I dont even know why im posting this i just can't keep it quiet any longer.. this is just my past. My present is ok, im just slowly failing college, cutting more and having trouble with guys who just seem to want me when its convenient for them, i just go along with it.. im just that much of an attention whore i guess.. anyway bye, im sorry for being self-centered
Anyway here is most of it:
"I think one thing people can think about me is that I never seem happy, this is something that only people who have either made me upset in some way in the past or people who are really good at noticing things will pick up on. To be honest they are right. As a general rule I am not that happy most of the time. I don’t really know why, I always feel guilty for it because there are so many people who have had a much worse life than me and they are quite fine. If I ever show that side of me to people I always feel like I’m attention seeking or that I don’t deserve to be sad or anything because nothing bad has happened to me. I suppose that’s just who I am and hopefully one day ill be better and actually feel confident and happy in life.
I guess now I should probably vaguely go over some things that have happened which I suppose could explain part of how I am and things that have probably changed me as a person. Again id like to say I’m sure none of this seems that bad but I just want to write things down vaguely as I think it might help me.
Well, first things first I have never and will never believe that I am in any way attractive. I remember when I was really young I would buy teenage magazines that had articles on bullying in them and I would always think that when I’m older I will be the girl that is bullied. I don’t even know why I had so little confidence in myself then, I just thought that because of how I looked that that would be a given and completely accepted it which is actually quite sad come to think of it. Another earlyish thing is that I’m pretty sure I was sexually molested (that makes it sound really bad, it wasn’t like that I just don’t know the word) or something along those lines when I was younger. I don’t know if it like counts because it was only by a girl who was a similar age to me at the time but she locked me in a bathroom stall and wouldn’t let me leave, I suppose it could be put down to being young and curious but I remember being scared and not liking it so um.. yeah who knows what happened there. In year five and six I was bullied by my best friend at the time. There were only 5 girls in my class and she’d get the other girls together and tell them to ignore me and then call me names and push me around. In her words it was ‘playing’ bullying but it meant I didn’t want to come to school much. If I went round to hers and didn’t do what she said shed pin me to her bed and spit on me. Luckily in year six I was ok because I had that primary school version of a boyfriend so I just hung around with him and he’d defend me if anything bad happened.
One of the unluckiest days I had was in 2006 when we found out what secondary schools we’d be going to. I had the flu, found out id gotten into a school really far away that had a bad reputation and it was also the day my mum decided to tell me my dad had moved out. I feel bad because I didn’t even realise he hadn’t been at home the last few days. I think that the reason he left was that he couldn’t stand being around me, my sister and my mum. My mum said he had to go because he had problems with anger and keeping his temper. For ages my mum was really sad and it’s the only time ive seen her cry before. I do love my dad and everything but he does really scare me too. For as long as I can remember he’s gotten angry with us and also to the point of being angrily violent. One main example is on my 10th birthday when we were sitting eating lunch and I was holding my cutlery wrong. I was trying so hard to do it right but he got really angry with me and slammed his cutlery down so hard that his plate smashed in half and his food rolled across the table. I also have some diary entries from when I was younger that id written in tears saying how scary my daddy was and how he always was mad at me. My sister occasionally lied saying id hit her or whatever and I remember him shouting at me and pushing me against the wall at the bottom of my stairs hard enough that I couldn’t breathe for a bit. Anyway, I think that know he doesn’t live with us its better, I do see him a lot still and that’s good because it means he loses his temper a lot less. Apparently living with me is enough to drive people to violence but I’m glad that never happens much any more. I kind of feel sorry for my mum though, I don’t think they’re even divorced so she can’t have a husband or see anyone else really. I know that he does, I borrowed his laptop on holiday and found a letter he’d written to some woman id met a few weeks before saying all the things they had in common and how he thinks they should see more of each other. I have met several women before that he’s been seeing without telling my mum I think which I think is unfair but who am I to say what’s right. I just want my mum to be happy really so as long as she doesn’t know I suppose I can’t do a lot.
Hmm what else can I say… I had a weird year in year 11. I spent it getting either drunk or high every weekend which probably isn’t a good thing. I just felt so pointless in the world that I wanted to forget about things. I would always get with the same guy as well and that made other people mad because they thought he was taking advantage of me. I did end up going out with him in the end so I suppose at least it got somewhere. I do have quite bad luck with guys I think though; I always get into that horrible routine of seeing someone quite a lot and acting kind of coupley with them, like kissing and stuff but never going out with them. That’s fine with me because the minute I have someone I get bored of them, but it does seem to mess with other people a bit. In year 11 two of best guy friends liked me. They’d try and almost blackmail me into going out with them and I didn’t want to because I knew id only end up hurting them. They both got scary obsessive at one point or another and I had a lot of horrible late night conversations with them about how much they liked me. They also both got quite depressed taking time off school and things and telling me later how they’d got to the points of almost committing suicide. Id of been happy to help them with this but they both made out that it was my fault that they were so messed up and that they couldn’t live any more. I felt so so bad and I’m not sure even now how Id done this. It got to the point where they’d ignore me for weeks on end because they said I messed with their heads and we couldn’t be friends. They also tried to interfere with any form of relationship I tried to have with anyone else, messing it up before it could even start.
I think that year I did get further and further into the horrible state of mind I’m left with now. I think the worst day of my life so far was probably in June 2011 when my boyfriend broke up with me. Not because of that of course but him doing that was the last person or thing in a whole long line of things happening that just seemed to drive me over the edge. I picture myself at that point a bit like a game of jenga. I was being taken apart piece by piece and growing taller and taller as people expected more and more of me and he was like the last piece to be taken out before the tower collapsed. That day I tried to kill myself. Everything happened so fast, my head was a mess and stupidly I tried to do it just before my mum and sister got home from work and school. Luckily, in my general anger I hadn’t thought it through so I didn’t really come close to dying, I just had to try and fix myself up in time for them to get back because I knew then that I was being stupid and I could never do that to them. That night I went out to the woods with some friends and carved my initials in a tree stump which now reminds me of that day every time I see it. I felt horrible for weeks after that and unfortunately it was in the middle of my GCSE exams but I did still pass so that’s fine. The only other time I went further with suicide than just thinking about it was a few months later when Id been feeling slowly worse. I wrote a series of suicide notes inside paper cranes and hung them from my ceiling… luckily that’s about as far as I got with that plan.
Another thing that I have probably forgotten to mention is that I’m addicted to pain. In the sense that I cut. I think the first time I cut was about four years ago. I have been self harming on a more regular basis for just over the past year or so. I can’t stop and I hate it but also at the same time I love it. No one knows really and I can’t imagine what would happen if my parents found out. A few of my friends know, mainly my ex-boyfriend who is also my best friend because after I tried to kill myself he was the one who said he’d come to hospital if I wanted him to. Actually, a total of 6 or 7 of my friends know because they saw once ages ago when I was drunk. What none of them know is how much its escalated since then and that I haven’t stopped like I promised I would. The only person I have spoken to about it properly is ironically the girl my ex broke up with me for because she has too before. I can’t believe I actually spoke to her about it though because she is actually a really really horrible person who has now gone on to hurt so many of my friends. I hope one day ill stop cutting but for now I’ll just keep gaining more and more scars to hide.
Ok, I cant believe ive rambled on so much and if anyone is still reading this then well done for staying awake! You deserve a lollipop :) speaking of food, I have a weird thing with food, I can’t look at packets for the calories because I will start calorie counting and I will stop eating altogether. It’s happened before and it will happen again. Luckily I now know that I just shouldn’t look so I think most of the time I have the eating thing under control. I am used to being fat now so that fine. Riiight I should probably shut up now before I think of another pointless thing to moan about. I can already think of more things that I want to write about (including a weird phase of self-tattooing as self harm in disguise that me and a friend went through) but thatll have to wait for another day. Right now I am trying my best to be happy and make friends and live a normal life and I seem to be doing ok, just recently I think ive been slipping away into my own world a bit too much which has been dangerous in past experiences so ive written this to let me go over one or two things in my head. I just want to be happy and not so crazy. I am sorry to everyone that Ive moaned for what would be 3 pages of a word document about things that aren’t important. Most of all to anyone reading this I would love to talk to you and help you with your actual problems rather than my silly little pathetic ones. That’s what I’m good at to be honest, I always get stuck thinking about everyone elses problems and never my own which might be why I had to write this."
I dont even know why im posting this i just can't keep it quiet any longer.. this is just my past. My present is ok, im just slowly failing college, cutting more and having trouble with guys who just seem to want me when its convenient for them, i just go along with it.. im just that much of an attention whore i guess.. anyway bye, im sorry for being self-centered