Magenta
November 21st, 2011, 11:15 PM
For some reason, I was in a wonderful mood today. My day started out horribly and seemed to be getting worse. I was mood swing-y during lunch but things brightened up as I got permission to drop a course and pick up two other online courses that I have interest in.
I went for a walk after school. I bought myself a new notebook for my writing (since I seemed to have started writing again) and some hemp cord from the art store. I just wanted to make myself some bracelets. It's a hobby I've not pursued in years. I figured, why not? So I bought the cord and then I realised something.
My mood just kept getting better. I was skipping down the street and smiling for no reason. I had some sort of new hope in a hopeless romantic sort of way, looking at things in a very different light than normal. It wasn't a dark pit. Why on earth have I kept pushing this feeling away? I'll prolly push it away again but it was a reminder I could feel something. I made some new bracelets and I want to be able to enjoy them in short sleeves. I don't want to hide them once my arms heal. I'm nervous about my scars but the bracelets are a distraction and a deterrent from cutting on my arms. I made five.
Today is day one (technically day zero from this morning but I told myself that it would be day one for motivation and tomorrow would be day two and I'd start over again). For every five days, I'm going to make myself a new bracelet. I'll slip up, sure, but hopefully not on my arms. And every five days after that, I'll make another bracelet.
I dunno, I'm sort of rambling. I've been in a really dark place and I basically left the site for a bit, not knowing what to say to anyone when they ask for advice because I couldn't even pick myself up. I don't have good days often but the fact that I had one gives me tremendous motivation to even try again.
At least I'm picking myself up again somehow, right? I'm so far from recovery and have so many other bad habits that I need to kick but it's a start. It's something. It's currently my most destructive and the motivation to even take baby steps forward was something I needed to share...
I plan to be looking back on this post when I feel like I'm slipping again.
I went for a walk after school. I bought myself a new notebook for my writing (since I seemed to have started writing again) and some hemp cord from the art store. I just wanted to make myself some bracelets. It's a hobby I've not pursued in years. I figured, why not? So I bought the cord and then I realised something.
My mood just kept getting better. I was skipping down the street and smiling for no reason. I had some sort of new hope in a hopeless romantic sort of way, looking at things in a very different light than normal. It wasn't a dark pit. Why on earth have I kept pushing this feeling away? I'll prolly push it away again but it was a reminder I could feel something. I made some new bracelets and I want to be able to enjoy them in short sleeves. I don't want to hide them once my arms heal. I'm nervous about my scars but the bracelets are a distraction and a deterrent from cutting on my arms. I made five.
Today is day one (technically day zero from this morning but I told myself that it would be day one for motivation and tomorrow would be day two and I'd start over again). For every five days, I'm going to make myself a new bracelet. I'll slip up, sure, but hopefully not on my arms. And every five days after that, I'll make another bracelet.
I dunno, I'm sort of rambling. I've been in a really dark place and I basically left the site for a bit, not knowing what to say to anyone when they ask for advice because I couldn't even pick myself up. I don't have good days often but the fact that I had one gives me tremendous motivation to even try again.
At least I'm picking myself up again somehow, right? I'm so far from recovery and have so many other bad habits that I need to kick but it's a start. It's something. It's currently my most destructive and the motivation to even take baby steps forward was something I needed to share...
I plan to be looking back on this post when I feel like I'm slipping again.