Too shallow.

[Bath]

I cut for a billion different reasons, one of them being I love seeing the healing gashes afterward.

Bad thing is most the time I look at them and think they're way too shallow and could be so much more deep, and I feel almost... embarrassed of myself. "You call that cutting? You wimp."

Ugh, I loathe myself.

[Amaryllis]

Bethany, it doesn't matter how "bad" it is, self-harm is self-harm no matter what you do, how deep it is or how much it bleeds. It doesn't matter how much you hurt yourself, it's nothing to be proud of.

Do you truly believe hurting yourself is a sign of strength? Pain tolerance? Deep cuts equate to bravery and a lack of fear? Of course not! Hurting yourself is -nothing- to be proud of.

Are you going to live the rest of your life feeling like shit, honey? This is the only life you're ever gonna get, don't you want to at least -try- to do something with it and enjoy it? Miracles don't just happen. Don't wait for someone to just walk into your life and make it all better because, most likely, no one will.

You're the only one you can count on, dear. What have you ever done to deserve such self-hate? You're a beautiful girl. I'm sure you are inside, too. You deserve better than this, sweetheart. Cutting doesn't get you anywhere. The deepness of your cuts doesn't make much of a difference.

Are you going to be miserable forever, Bethany? Or are you going to be okay, if not happy?

[Bath]

When did I ever say I was proud of cutting? It's a terrible thing, ruined my life. I'm saying I hate how I'll look at my cuts after and think they're not good enough. Not for anyone else-- for MY benefit. I like seeing my skin look like that. I'm aware it's irrational, and I'm aware I need help for it.

Thing is... this is how messed I am. I cut when I'm sad, I cut when I'm anxious, I cut when I'm... happy. In a mania state recently, I started re-arranging everything in the house, I cut my hair really pretty, I was so euphoric and slashed my wrist because I thought it looked beautiful and felt relieving.

It's so messed.

[Fiction]

I know how you feel. I usually get this feeling after I cut. I guess it relates to feeling like your problems are insignificant? I think that's what it is for me. If I can't even cut that deep, there must be not that much wrong, and I must not be worthy of, or not deserve help. That's how it seems to be for me, I don't know about you.

If that's what it is you need to remember that shallows cuts are still cuts. That they're still expressing mental pain and that you do still need help. The depth of a cut doesn't depend on the depth of the depression.

[jacknife]

I feel the same way. Cutting always makes me very happy. I've never felt embarrassed or guilty cuz of it (it's always other people that make me feel guilty, namely family members who don't understand and, thus, are afraid). And, like you, I would always be disappointed if a cut was too shallow, or not enough blood was coming out. I find the sight of blood pretty euphoric as well.