Please help!!!!

[Nevermore]

So I ended up purging 9 times successfully last night with over 30 attempts. Anyway today I ate half a shrimp salad wrap and half a thing of no fat yogurt and fruit, and now I feel like I can't keep this down. I'm trying not to go to the bathroom because people will hear me. But it hurts so much for this food to be inside me :'( and I can't stand the feeling. I need to purge this. I can't handle this. I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't purge. I need help. I don't know how to keep this down. I keeps coming up, and my stomach hurts. I hate this :'(

[Amaryllis]

Honey, you need to get through this. This is -your- battle. No one of us can just take your eating disorders or pain away, as much as we wish we could. I'll just end up repeating what I said in my previous reply to you, so I'll just link it here and pray you'll read it.

Why eating disorders are shit and why you need to be motivated in recovery. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1510423&postcount=2)

A guide to recovering from eating disorders. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=110035)

Helping someone with an eating disorder. Feel free to link any of your friends or family members to this. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=118480)

Good luck, sweetheart. I'm just a message away if you ever need me.

[SWMG]

Girl it is now the time for you to seek the recovery tell your parents or counselor to help you find a recovery center. Now that you have actually accepted that there is something wrong do not loose that iniative and be able to recover.
Best wishes!!

[Jakezilla]

Tell your family, and go to a doctor. It won't be that bad. You'll get over this. Best wishes :)

[Fiction]

Sammy :( I haven't seen you around in a while so first of all Welcome back. :)

Sammy, this has been going on a long long time now, and what you've just said shows me that it's getting pretty serious and that you really do need help now. I know you where in therapy for a while, are you still getting that? If not I really suggest that you go back and get some more help.

If you are still in therapy you need to tell your therapist about this. You need to be as honest as possible to get the help you need. I know how horrible Eating Disorders can be, and i'm sure you want to be free of this, so you need to take all the help you can get in order to do this.

You know where I am if you need me alright? :hug:

[Nevermore]

First guys I just wanted to thank you all for responding to my post because it truly means a lot. And thank you for the Welcome back Kathy. :)
Well, what happened was I stopped seeing my therapist like 2-3 weeks ago because if I saw her I knew I'd have to get weighed in with the nutritionist, and then well.. hospitalization. And honestly I can't deal with being hospitalized right now. I'm finally just starting to make friends. There were other reasons I stopped seeing her because she wasn't helping me with my personalities or my schizophrenia, so I convinced my parents that it wasn't helping me, which it wasn't. We are looking for a therapist now because the problem is, there is no female specialized therapist for schizophrenia that is in our insurance, and I can't pay out of pocket for this. I just don't have the money, and neither does my family right now.
Honestly, I hate saying this. But I was going through an anti recovery phase after I left the hospital. The hospital made everything, completely worse. So I've been still pro -anaing it with myself. It just well, it hit me because I was talking to my mom and boyfriend. And they were crying and told me I was going to die, and it's hard watching me die, but they aren't going to put forth an effort in helping me, unless I want to help myself. So they've basically given up. I really don't feel like I have enough control to say I need help. Because honestly I believe I don't need it and I'm not going to die, even though my hair is falling out, and I have chest pains, and stomach ulcers, and Lordie knows what else... I mean yes from a logical standpoint if I make myself into third person I'd say yes I have a problem and need help, but personalizing it, and admitting to it, and getting the help, is really difficult. Because honestly the only way I'm able to talk about this is making it seem likes its an entirely different person. Which probably doesn't make sense at all. :( I'm not seeing a physician right now so I can't even ask a doctor whats wrong. I've actually been living away from home, long story, and my parents and I act like strangers now. It's really sad, but I mean I have really no one to go for, for this.

And Cuntittty, I will definitely take a look at your links. thank you all <3 <3 <3

[xxbunkxx]

go see a docror for some help ;/

[Wintergirl_80.0]

first of all you look tiny sweetie why did you start..... i understand people say im tiny too. second my be you should get help..... i did it helps for a little whil.....

[Nevermore]

I started when I was 5. I stopped eating after being sexually abused, and I'd refuse to eat, and I'd scratch and pull my hair. After being on my ADD meds since kindergarten food didn't seem even more appealing because I was never hungry and so I rarely ate. The only time i actually was okay with eating was in middle school when my self harm got really bad, and I was looking up to my one popular friend who ate, and I wanted to be like her. Then after gaining I started high school and stopped eating all together, and having a boyfriend at the time who was 88 lbs and had an eating disorder and me being 112 lbs didn't help, so I stopped eating and it just got worse until I was hospitalized last summer at 85 lbs. However the summer before my freshman year I was sexually abused, harassed, and got explicit death threats so the sexual abuse probably was why it got worse again because it brought back the PTSD symptoms I was repressing... Getting intense help is at the hospital, and it made me worse, I've been eating less and less since I originally went there. It triggered more then helped, and they only focused on my food problem and not my schizophrenia or MPD which greatly affects and control my ED. So without helping the initial problem everything worsened. It's been hard to eat now because people call me fat, and say that I eat too much, and they are usually guys. Note: all I eat is a tomato lettuce 1 slice of swiss wrap. and 3 carrots if still hungry. Gusy and girls are mean at my school, and I think they know about my disorder and even though those people were strangers, it affected me so much. Also telling 2 close friends of mine about my ED and how it's affecting my health, their comment was what you have anorexia!??! You're not thin enough! In fact you'd look better if you lost a few lbs.. I'm 95 lbs last time I was weighed. After the hospital I was 117 lbs. So I lost a lot of weight since the summer.. and from my original healthy weight 112 lbs. I was a size 4 had D cups :3 now I'm smaller then a 0, and in my middle school training bras. I know it may seem like I'm quite aware I have an ED, yes I know I have one, but I feel like it's a lie. I feel like I'm 300 lbs, and its what I see and it's my only coping skill with my schizophrenia, it's like a necessity. I know i need help if I want to live.. but honestly I accepted I'd die from this disease a long time ago.. idk I guess i've given up. a few of my psychs even given up on me... :/ i'm worthless and too broken to be fixed and better off dead i guess...

[Wintergirl_80.0]

we have alot in commen. sexual abuse ptsd. selfharm. and my uktimate goal is 85 pounds.... message me please.

[Wintergirl_80.0]

we have so much in common bulimia, sexual abuse, cutting.......