Suicidal thoughts

[Love.Hate]

I don't like doing these but I need help. Lately I have been feeling so suicidal, I have 31 paracetamol that I was going to take the other night, the only thing that stopped me was running away.

I'm so sad, I can't feel happiness. I'm struggling to hide it now, people are noticing I'm sad.. I just don't know what to say when they ask me what's wrong. Because nothing is wrong, other than all this self hate.stupid damn depression.

I'm going to see Rihanna in 8 days and my arms are horribly scarred.. Not even bio oil is helping. Then in two weeks im doing my first of 2 dance concerts (second in january). I'm so scared of people seeing the mess I have made of myself, I don't want that embarrassment.

This is more of a rant.. But still.. I feel so close to breaking. To me it's just a case of when, a matter of time before yet another attempt. I know I need to stop thinking this way, but I can't change how I'm thinking.. Everything is getting me down so much. I just don't know what to do anymore :(

Any advice, or positivity right now would be greatly appreciated, thankyou

[ryantombs]

Hun im in the same situation i feel kinda... I feel hopeless and stuff and i jus jumped my month old car ovr a curb and stuff and my father basically said im a physcho and i need to go to the hospital and jus i feel a mess and i feel suicidal too and i was findingyself looking it up but they r thoughts... I kno i can push through this. One reason is i feel like i will let down everyone on here.... Yu can do this if yu can do me one favor promise me you wont do anything rash in the next 24 hrs and come and post again. Go sleep go talk to someone hell go on omegle and jus talk.... I suggest sleep its the best i feel yu can getthrough this yur mental toughness is amazing for makig it this far yu can do it dont attempt it... Yur loved by a lot of people

[Love.Hate]

Thankyou Ryan, I'm just so sick of trying to 'get through' life. I should be out there living it and enjoying it, I just want to be happy. I'm fed up of waiting for a happy future that is never going to come. Talking to people is all well and good but people tend to be a big problem for me. They are all so judgemental, no one truely seems to get it.

I just feel so lost, I know suicide isn't the answer. But if it's some other emotion to this, something else, better, then I want it.

[Amaryllis]

Fran, you were one of the first people I met when I first joined. I will -always- remember you, sweetheart.

I'm really proud of you for posting this. I find it so hard to ask for help. You're an amazing, strong girl. Why do you hate yourself so much, Fran? What have you done that's so bad that you deserve cuts on your arms? What have you ever done to deserve death?

If it's your appearance, you do realise people -will- see you for the beautiful girl you are inside. When we're all old and wrinkled, it isn't your shape or face people will gawk at and love. Think of the people you respect and love the most. What do you most love about them? Does it have anything to do with the way they look?

The two people I admire the most are considered "overweight" but they have the heart of gold. And they're both happily married.

Is it your personality? Because we all have flaws. And you have so many positives, too, Fran. I think you're an amazing and caring person.

Focus on the little joys in your life. Treasure them. Instead of bringing yourself down, allow yourself to feel that sense of achievement and self-love. Take the compliments. Hold on. You only live once. And once is all you have.

[Love.Hate]

Thankyou sweetheart <3

I don't know why I hate myself so much, my weight, how I look, mirrors.. I just hate mirrors.. Should really avoid them. I pick out all my flaws that other people can't see. I deserve those cuts because I need to feel something, it's my fault I feel this bad therefore that's my way of making things better.. Even if only for a bit. I don't know if I deserve death, I know it's selfish of me to want that.. But it still doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Looks are unimportant when it comes to loving someone, I know it's their personality that shines through.. However my problem is I don't really care what others see me as, as long as I feel good about myself. Currently I don't believe compliaments, I am too cynical I think. It would be nice to be my ideal of perfect.

What if I hold on and it gets worse? I am grateful for any happiness I get, but the very little of it doesnt help.. I can't help but bring myself down. It's like a function in my brain isn't working properly and all it wants to do is criticise or hurt.

That was hard to write :/ thankyou so much for caring, your such an amazing person :heart:

[TheGangstaSheep]

I know it's hard but try not to think about it. Oh and paracetemol overdoes is a horrible way to die. You will go sleep for a few hours but during that time your liver will slowly fail and by the time you wake up you will be in excruciating pain and you will only have a few hours to live yet they will be the worst moments. Just think of the thing you love most when you're getting these thoughts.

[Love.Hate]

I know it's hard but try not to think about it. Oh and paracetemol overdoes is a horrible way to die. You will go sleep for a few hours but during that time your liver will slowly fail and by the time you wake up you will be in excruciating pain and you will only have a few hours to live yet they will be the worst moments. Just think of the thing you love most when you're getting these thoughts.

Problem is I actually want that pain, I don't want to put my family through it.. But I want to put myself through it. I am trying to think positively and get through it, but so far it's not really working :/

[Jupiter]

Fran?

You make so many people happy. I would have never guessed. "Even heroes have the right to bleed."

You have no reason to be embarrassed. You cut? So what. That's your business. No one should even think that people who cut are inferior. Why are you embarrassed?

[Love.Hate]

Fran?

You make so many people happy. I would have never guessed. "Even heroes have the right to bleed."

You have no reason to be embarrassed. You cut? So what. That's your business. No one should even think that people who cut are inferior. Why are you embarrassed?

Well it's hardly something to be proud of, it's another thing to get me down. I make people happy, but I can't make myself happy. I like that quote by the way. If people see the mess I've made then I will be judged, people are so judgemental.. I can't take that critisim :/

[Jupiter]

No matter what, people will criticize. Even if you kill yourself, people will still judge. Don't worry about people.

I am assuming you are like me, and you put somethings in your signature to help you? To keep you going?

[Amaryllis]

Thankyou sweetheart <3

I don't know why I hate myself so much, my weight, how I look, mirrors.. I just hate mirrors.. Should really avoid them. I pick out all my flaws that other people can't see. I deserve those cuts because I need to feel something, it's my fault I feel this bad therefore that's my way of making things better.. Even if only for a bit. I don't know if I deserve death, I know it's selfish of me to want that.. But it still doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Looks are unimportant when it comes to loving someone, I know it's their personality that shines through.. However my problem is I don't really care what others see me as, as long as I feel good about myself. Currently I don't believe compliaments, I am too cynical I think. It would be nice to be my ideal of perfect.

What if I hold on and it gets worse? I am grateful for any happiness I get, but the very little of it doesnt help.. I can't help but bring myself down. It's like a function in my brain isn't working properly and all it wants to do is criticise or hurt.

That was hard to write :/ thankyou so much for caring, your such an amazing person :heart:

Sweetie, you're not going to love yourself any more than you do now when you're skinny. Trust me on that. I dropped to 50 pounds, I didn't like myself any more than I did when I wasn't that skinny. In fact, I hated the world a little more.

It's an ingrained habit, bringing yourself down. I know it is for me. Example, this week I got my exam scores back and I said "I got the highest mark in my grade for english and science. But I did terribly for my geography exam, I only got 84%. I'm so stupid."

Errr.... Now that I'm breaking it down... What the frack? xD

And when people say "Z, you're so kind, smart, talented and adorable." I say "Naw. I suck shiz. I'm not that good at anything and you're prettier."

Okay. Way to bring myself down. It isn't easy, but you need to consciously make an effort to break that habit. When someone compliments you, accept it and believe that they really believe that. Accept that there must be truth to it if people say it. Accept that you -are- good and worth it. Allow yourself to feel that love and achievement.

It takes quite some time to change your mind set but it -is- possible. And thank you very much for saying I'm an amazing person :) Know that you are, too.

[Love.Hate]

Z, first off you deserve this :hug:

I will try to break that habit, because I know bringing myself down does no good. You need to break that habit too by the sounds of it. I can't get my head around not being happier if I was thinner, were you really not happier? I thought it would make me happy.. Now I don't even know that. I'm going to learn to take compliments though, one day my brain might decide that it's not people lying to me. Thankyou <3

Eric, yeah I do that a lot.. If anything it's to keep anyone reading it going as well as myself. I don't want people to make the same mistakes I have. And yeah people just suck sometimes.

[Amaryllis]

Z, first off you deserve this :hug:

I will try to break that habit, because I know bringing myself down does no good. You need to break that habit too by the sounds of it. I can't get my head around not being happier if I was thinner, were you really not happier? I thought it would make me happy.. Now I don't even know that. I'm going to learn to take compliments though, one day my brain might decide that it's not people lying to me. Thankyou <3

Eric, yeah I do that a lot.. If anything it's to keep anyone reading it going as well as myself. I don't want people to make the same mistakes I have. And yeah people just suck sometimes.

Aww, haha. I'd hug you, too! But I don't know how to do that emoticon. :') Noob.

And yeah, I was -really- not happier. Being skinny just made me hate the world and everyone in it a little more. I was absolutely -miserable-, more than I ever was, am and will be. I was -so- obsessed with being skinny. It was all I cared about.

I was not empathetic, caring or helpful. -At all-. I'm not even being hard on myself here. I was a -horrible- person when I was skinny. I mean, I didn't give a fuck about anything. Of course, there was and always will be that innate goodness in me(I'm acknowledging the good in me! Wooo!!!) so I still smiled a lot and I had tons of faith and trust, haha.

Weight-preoccupation leads to self-obsession and self-obsession leads to being a shithead.

Anyhow, now I have boobs!

[Love.Hate]

: hug : (without the spaces) :P

I guess I need to reconsider what's going to bring me happiness then, because I don't want to end up being addicted to that as well as self harm.. Don't think my mind is up too that.. So note to self *curvy is good*. Yay boobs, got to love 'em :P I'm glad your acknowledging that, because you are a naturally caring, good person.

I need to find something to make me happy then. humph.

Oh yeah I bought a Marylin Monroe poster to remind myself i don't have to be skinny to be beautiful :) okay that not being skinny message is going to take some time to sink in, but if I get that resolved I can focus on other stuff I guess.

Thankyou so so much <3 <3

[Amaryllis]

: hug : (without the spaces) :P

I guess I need to reconsider what's going to bring me happiness then, because I don't want to end up being addicted to that as well as self harm.. Don't think my mind is up too that.. So note to self *curvy is good*. Yay boobs, got to love 'em :P I'm glad your acknowledging that, because you are a naturally caring, good person.

I need to find something to make me happy then. humph.

Oh yeah I bought a Marylin Monroe poster to remind myself i don't have to be skinny to be beautiful :) okay that not being skinny message is going to take some time to sink in, but if I get that resolved I can focus on other stuff I guess.

Thankyou so so much <3 <3

Awesome! You deserve a biiiiggg :hug: Haha

It's great that you're trying to change, Fran! I'm super duper wooper proud of you! Stick with curvy is beautiful, cause it is. I might not be slim or extraordinarily pretty, but I think I'm pretty alright on the inside, when it comes to helping people ^_^

And remember when I first joined and you +repped me? I never did return that rep. +repped ;)

[Love.Hate]

Aaawwh your so uber dooba cute, pretty on the inside and the outside.

We will be curvy and beautiful :) n'aaaawh thankyou :'3 :hug:

[kukachoo42]

just go to the concert, and enjoy yourself! itll probably be too dark to see whats on somebody's arm. forget about the thing that is plaguing you.

[Love.Hate]

just go to the concert, and enjoy yourself! itll probably be too dark to see whats on somebody's arm. forget about the thing that is plaguing you.

You were right, i plastered it in makeup and it was too dark to see anyway :)

[CJC95]

Fran, how was the concert!?

As to the depression, don't be afraid to ask for help even the best people have to. Look at all the people you've helped, 2458 posts! Please don't commit suicide, because it's people like you the world needs, people that can help. You're obviously a fantastic person or you wouldn't have helped that many people. Amongst all the disgusting criminals in the world, we need the kind people like yourself to cheer us up (:

If you need help ask for it, whether it be a trusted adult, a health professional or even someone on here. Anybody would be happy to help you (:

[CJC95]

Oh, and I wanted to try it... :hug: :D

[Love.Hate]

Fran, how was the concert!?

As to the depression, don't be afraid to ask for help even the best people have to. Look at all the people you've helped, 2458 posts! Please don't commit suicide, because it's people like you the world needs, people that can help. You're obviously a fantastic person or you wouldn't have helped that many people. Amongst all the disgusting criminals in the world, we need the kind people like yourself to cheer us up (:

If you need help ask for it, whether it be a trusted adult, a health professional or even someone on here. Anybody would be happy to help you (:

Awwh thankyou, this really put a smile on my face.

:hug:

the concert was amazing, really cheered me up a lot. I guess there is more to life than depression and i will get through it one day, just have to keep trying and trying :)

thankyou