Always going to be like this.

[Fiction]

I don't know what caused it to begin with. I don't know why i'm fucked up like I am. All I know is that I had my first suicidal thoughts almost 4 years ago now.

I know i've self harmed for around 2 years. I know I overdosed about 2 years ago, and I know that I overdosed about a year and 4 months ago, and again 9 months ago and 5 months ago. I know that I ended up in hospital and then in counselling.

I know my eating is fucked up, and I ended up in councelling for that too.

I know all the facts but I know nothing about why i'm like this. I know no counsellor has helped. I know no counsellor has thought me worthy of help.

I know that all the above makes me feel worthless. Honestly completely and totally worthless, but I don't know why I felt how I did to start with.

I end up crying most nights for hours on end with the only thought that i'm worthless, that I hate myself. That I should die and everyone would be better off without me.

I'm scared that this is just going to be always here. It's not like there is anything wrong in my life, so does that mean i'm going to be like this no matter how good my life is? I'm tired of this. It's only been 5 years since I first started feeling like this. It's only got worse, and I have another 60 years of this to live through.

I don't know what to do.

[StoppingTime]

Can you pinpoint anything that makes you feel like this?

Your list doesn't mean your worthless. It means you've been through a lot, and are doing an amazing job trying to patch things up.
Why would people be better without you? What about Aaron? What about everyone you help here? I certainly don't think they'd like it that way, and neither would anyone.

[Fiction]

Can you pinpoint anything that makes you feel like this?

Your list doesn't mean your worthless. It means you've been through a lot, and are doing an amazing job trying to patch things up.
Why would people be better without you? What about Aaron? What about everyone you help here? I certainly don't think they'd like it that way, and neither would anyone.

Thank you for replying.

When I feel like i've upset people, or let people down. I tend to over react at small critiscims and make big things out of everything. That only makes things worse but the minute I feel like i've hurt someone, I burst into tears and all those thoughts start coming into my heads and they don't stop for hours.

Everything on my list is my fault. I'm not a victim of anything. Everything bad in my life is self- created. That doesn't equate to being brave, or going through a lot or being strong or any of the things people say it does. I mean I can see how it does for other people. People who've had real problems in their pasts but I haven't. So it's my fault.

People would be better off without me because I hurt them. I hurt Aaron all the time. I'll never really make a difference to anyone on here.

[StoppingTime]

Thank you for replying.

When I feel like i've upset people, or let people down. I tend to over react at small critiscims and make big things out of everything. That only makes things worse but the minute I feel like i've hurt someone, I burst into tears and all those thoughts start coming into my heads and they don't stop for hours.

Everything on my list is my fault. I'm not a victim of anything. Everything bad in my life is self- created. That doesn't equate to being brave, or going through a lot or being strong or any of the things people say it does. I mean I can see how it does for other people. People who've had real problems in their pasts but I haven't. So it's my fault.

People would be better off without me because I hurt them. I hurt Aaron all the time. I'll never really make a difference to anyone on here.

People aren't perfect, nobody will ever be. And that isn't anything to ever be ashamed of. I do the same things sometimes, if I feel I've done something wrong, it takes me a while to get over it. But its fine after. It's hard, but try to think positively about yourself. You do help people, you are wanted. Nobody would ever want to see you go. And you can't say you've never made a difference here. You really do, you help people going through the same things you are. They listen to you, they really do. And I'm sure you do the same thing in your life as well. You are wanted, you do help.

[Fiction]

The thing is it's never fine after. It's fine for a while. it's fine until I do something again and then it all just comes flooding back.

I understand that no one is perfect, but it feels like i'm one of the few people that actually does more harm than good.

It feels like people just think they want me, but in reality if I went anywhere they'd have forgotten in days. The only one person that I have doubts it would be this way with is Aaron, and he's why i'm not dead yet.

[StoppingTime]

The thing is it's never fine after. It's fine for a while. it's fine until I do something again and then it all just comes flooding back.

I understand that no one is perfect, but it feels like i'm one of the few people that actually does more harm than good.

It feels like people just think they want me, but in reality if I went anywhere they'd have forgotten in days. The only one person that I have doubts it would be this way with is Aaron, and he's why i'm not dead yet.

If you were to bring this up to him, or if you haven't already, what has/do you think he'd say?

[Amaryllis]

Sorry it took me so long to see this and reply. As you've probably noticed, I haven't been posting in the psych ward lately. I've been too busy cutting and thinking up ways to kill myself.

My point is, I didn't. Kill myself, I mean. And I'm effing glad I didn't. I probably never will. I can't promise that one day your pain will end and that things will get better. But, I can promise that this world would lose one amazing person. You're so, so loved, kathy. Look at your fanclub. Look at you boyfriend and the people who would be more than willing to give you a helping hand.

You have the potential to help so many people. You could be anything you wanted to be. You choose to make a life for yourself.

I know it's so, so hard to see yourself the way other people see you. I want nothing more than to just torture myself to death. But, a little bit inside me knows that I can't be so bad. Why would I have so many amazing people standing by me if I was?

I can't speak for your counsellors, but I can speak for a lot of the people on here and myself, that, kathy, you -are- worth it. You're worth every minute and every drop of effort and so much more.

I can't say my life is terrible. But I know what it's like to wish you were really, really happy. God, the things I would do for one goddamn day of happiness. Just a day of not feeling less than enough, of not feeling that heavy weight pressing down on me. I don't know how that feels. I never did.

You're different though, kathy. You've felt it before. You can feel it again.

[Fiction]

If you were to bring this up to him, or if you haven't already, what has/do you think he'd say?

He tells me that i'm not worthless and a waste of time and that i'm perfect to him. I want to believe him but it's hard too when I seem to upset him all the time.

Sorry it took me so long to see this and reply. As you've probably noticed, I haven't been posting in the psych ward lately. I've been too busy cutting and thinking up ways to kill myself.

My point is, I didn't. Kill myself, I mean. And I'm effing glad I didn't. I probably never will. I can't promise that one day your pain will end and that things will get better. But, I can promise that this world would lose one amazing person. You're so, so loved, kathy. Look at your fanclub. Look at you boyfriend and the people who would be more than willing to give you a helping hand.

You have the potential to help so many people. You could be anything you wanted to be. You choose to make a life for yourself.

I know it's so, so hard to see yourself the way other people see you. I want nothing more than to just torture myself to death. But, a little bit inside me knows that I can't be so bad. Why would I have so many amazing people standing by me if I was?

I can't speak for your counsellors, but I can speak for a lot of the people on here and myself, that, kathy, you -are- worth it. You're worth every minute and every drop of effort and so much more.

I can't say my life is terrible. But I know what it's like to wish you were really, really happy. God, the things I would do for one goddamn day of happiness. Just a day of not feeling less than enough, of not feeling that heavy weight pressing down on me. I don't know how that feels. I never did.

You're different though, kathy. You've felt it before. You can feel it again.

However much my logical side of my brain is going to tell me that i'm not all bad, there's always the part of my brain that is. Thank you for all your replies but really what I was asking is what do I do... I wasn't asking you to tell me that i'm not worthless. It's lovely that you all are.. and think that, and thank you, but it's never going to convince me :/ I need to know how to make this stop, because if it doesn't it's going to kill me in the end.

[Amaryllis]

Okay, what to do. Believe it or not I'm actually not just a bunch of motherly mush xP you need to see someone else if your counsellors aren't helping you. A psychiatrist? Psychologist? Are you on mediation? If you're not, perhaps you should consider it. Tried CBT? It's a lot about trial and error. If this professional doesn't help, find another. And another. You'll find one that does one day.

Be honest. No one can help you if you're not willing to do all that you can to help yourself. Do you have people you can talk to? I find venting really helps. Even if you repeat the same things over and over.

And laughter really is the best medicine. I pretty much just force myself to laugh and smile. Don't take it to my extreme but surround yourself with people that make you smile. Watch, read and look up funny things. Life is what you make it.

[Fiction]

Okay, what to do. Believe it or not I'm actually not just a bunch of motherly mush xP you need to see someone else if your counsellors aren't helping you. A psychiatrist? Psychologist? Are you on mediation? If you're not, perhaps you should consider it. Tried CBT? It's a lot about trial and error. If this professional doesn't help, find another. And another. You'll find one that does one day.

Be honest. No one can help you if you're not willing to do all that you can to help yourself. Do you have people you can talk to? I find venting really helps. Even if you repeat the same things over and over.

And laughter really is the best medicine. I pretty much just force myself to laugh and smile. Don't take it to my extreme but surround yourself with people that make you smile. Watch, read and look up funny things. Life is what you make it.

The thing is on the NHS there isn't a huge amount of counselling available. I've been referred to counselling twice and both times i've been given hardly any sessions then let go. I'm going to go to my GP again and talk to her about it. I guess i'll just see what happens again from there. She'll probably ignore me because i've put on weight though.

[Kaius]

You don't hurt me. The only thing that hurts is seeing you this distressed or when you assume that I dont love you or I dont think that you love me. You mean everything to me and that includes your health as well :/ All i want is for you to be okay. You know you won't lose me we just need to work on a way of getting you some help with this. I hate that I can't help, thats why i get frustrated, i dont get frustrated at you because i know its not your fault. We'll get through this you've just gotta try and understand when i say things im not just saying them for no reason x

[Fiction]

You don't hurt me. The only thing that hurts is seeing you this distressed or when you assume that I dont love you or I dont think that you love me. You mean everything to me and that includes your health as well :/ All i want is for you to be okay. You know you won't lose me we just need to work on a way of getting you some help with this. I hate that I can't help, thats why i get frustrated, i dont get frustrated at you because i know its not your fault. We'll get through this you've just gotta try and understand when i say things im not just saying them for no reason x

I'm sorry >< You mean everything to me too and that's why I get so upset when I think i've upset you. I don't want to end up being bad for you.

I'm sorry I do try and listen to you >< I do.. i'll try harder though. I promise. x

[Kaius]

Stop being sorry, its not your fault at all alright? We'll sort this i just want you to know im going nowhere and you yourself never upset me and you cant be bad for me in the slightest. I know you might not believe it but you're stronger than you think and you're perfect to me. We'll get you through this.

[Amaryllis]

The thing is on the NHS there isn't a huge amount of counselling available. I've been referred to counselling twice and both times i've been given hardly any sessions then let go. I'm going to go to my GP again and talk to her about it. I guess i'll just see what happens again from there. She'll probably ignore me because i've put on weight though.

You don't hurt me. The only thing that hurts is seeing you this distressed or when you assume that I dont love you or I dont think that you love me. You mean everything to me and that includes your health as well :/ All i want is for you to be okay. You know you won't lose me we just need to work on a way of getting you some help with this. I hate that I can't help, thats why i get frustrated, i dont get frustrated at you because i know its not your fault. We'll get through this you've just gotta try and understand when i say things im not just saying them for no reason x

That's right, girl. See. You will always have Aaron. I don't know either of you very well but he definitely seems like he really does love you. He jumps in almost every single time you make a thread.

I live in a [-]useless[/-] developing part of Asia and it's pretty hard to get help here, too. Especially if you're under 18, since no one here knows how to deal with kids who aren't dyslexic/autistic/insert learning disability here. It's really hard to try to get people to understand when you're the first self-harm and eating disorder patient they've ever had. But I guess I'm kinda glad, cause at least now they'll know how to help other kids like me.

Point is. No one can promise you a good counsellor. But you just need to pull through, Kathy. One day at a time. You'll get there. There's just too much and too many people to live for.

My nutritionist pretty much just went "Eat less. You're getting fat" after I put on the weight and some more xD I told her I really just couldn't stop eating and she was just like meh. Eat avocados. And when I was anorexic and shiz? She asked me not to eat pastries and cakes and shiz. And I wasn't allowed to eat pasta, drink milk, take refined carbs or stuff like that cause it wasn't the food meant for my "blood type".

HUH. Say all this shiz to the 50 pound girl suffering from orthorexia, won't you? Cunt. It sounds mildly humorous when I say it now, though.

Durr. Here I go skittering around my actual purpose. Okay, point is, I got through it without anyone who actually helped(in fact they made it worse). It's a lot easier when you have help from others and there's just someone to lean on, but, it's still possible to get through it on your own. You've gone so far, Kathy. Keep on going. You'll be alright. I'm always here if you ever need me. Just a message away :)

[Fiction]

Stop being sorry, its not your fault at all alright? We'll sort this i just want you to know im going nowhere and you yourself never upset me and you cant be bad for me in the slightest. I know you might not believe it but you're stronger than you think and you're perfect to me. We'll get you through this.

It feels like it, but okay. ><

I don't feel strong at all, i've never had anything to be "strong" about.

Thank you.. You really do help.. :hug:

That's right, girl. See. You will always have Aaron. I don't know either of you very well but he definitely seems like he really does love you. He jumps in almost every single time you make a thread.

I live in a useless developing part of Asia and it's pretty hard to get help here, too. Especially if you're under 18, since no one here knows how to deal with kids who aren't dyslexic/autistic/insert learning disability here. It's really hard to try to get people to understand when you're the first self-harm and eating disorder patient they've ever had. But I guess I'm kinda glad, cause at least now they'll know how to help other kids like me.

Point is. No one can promise you a good counsellor. But you just need to pull through, Kathy. One day at a time. You'll get there. There's just too much and too many people to live for.

My nutritionist pretty much just went "Eat less. You're getting fat" after I put on the weight and some more xD I told her I really just couldn't stop eating and she was just like meh. Eat avocados. And when I was anorexic and shiz? She asked me not to eat pastries and cakes and shiz. And I wasn't allowed to eat pasta, drink milk, take refined carbs or stuff like that cause it wasn't the food meant for my "blood type".

HUH. Say all this shiz to the 50 pound girl suffering from orthorexia, won't you? Cunt. It sounds mildly humorous when I say it now, though.

Durr. Here I go skittering around my actual purpose. Okay, point is, I got through it without anyone who actually helped(in fact they made it worse). It's a lot easier when you have help from others and there's just someone to lean on, but, it's still possible to get through it on your own. You've gone so far, Kathy. Keep on going. You'll be alright. I'm always here if you ever need me. Just a message away

I know he really loves me.

There's still a part of my mind that says there's nothing wrong. In which case, there's nothing to get better from. I guess if i'm seeing professionals I have that.. reassurance that i'm not over reacting, but since they don't want to see me maybe I am :S

[Fiction]

Sorry i really do need to bump this thread. It's kind of an emergency.

All that's going through my head is how much better off without me everyone is and all I can see in my head is idk, myself committing suicide. I don't want to do this. I'm really fucking scared. It's never been this bad before.

[Amaryllis]

Sorry i really do need to bump this thread. It's kind of an emergency.

All that's going through my head is how much better off without me everyone is and all I can see in my head is idk, myself committing suicide. I don't want to do this. I'm really fucking scared. It's never been this bad before.

Oh Kathy... I'd help you if I knew how, but I'll do everything I can to try.

People won't be better off without you, honey. You have so many people who love and adore you. I wish you could see yourself the way we do. You've come too far to let it all go. You've been through hell and back. Why would you come this far just to let it all go to waste?

You'd hurt a lot of people if you left, Kathy - especially Aaron. You can't get second chances if you're dead, sweetie. You won't be able to do what you love or be with who you love. Can you imagine never seeing your friends, family and boyfriend ever again? And how will they cope with you being gone?

You could do so much with your life. There's so many things to do, places to see and people to visit. There are memories to be made and time to smile.

I know you feel hopeless, worthless and miserable right now. But it -will- pass. The pain will ease and you'll look back at this and be glad you chose to live.

Give yourself another chance, Kathy. Give the world and life another chance. You have tomorrow to live for. And I think I see sunlight in your future :)

[Fiction]

Thank you for your reply.

Last night I ended up going to get a large amount of tablets and putting them on my bed ready to take them all. I only took 6 because I guess I realised there are things I don't want to leave, like Aaron. I just resorted to taking a knife to my wrists instead ><

I'm going to my doctor. I've written a letter saying exactly how I feel. I'm going to sort this out now because I honestly think it'll end badly if I don't.

Thank you for your help everyone.

[Love.Hate]

Kathy, I know this isn't advice so it could seem pretty pointless, but..


I am always here for you.

I know what your going through right now and trust me this world would not be better off without you. No matter how much you convince yourself of it. Your an amazing girl and you will get through this, you just need to find motivation from something or someone. Good luck at the doctors

:hug:

[Fiction]

Kathy, I know this isn't advice so it could seem pretty pointless, but..


I am always here for you.

I know what your going through right now and trust me this world would not be better off without you. No matter how much you convince yourself of it. Your an amazing girl and you will get through this, you just need to find motivation from something or someone. Good luck at the doctors

:hug:

Thanks Fran it means a lot x I'm always here for you too.