How can I fight this?

[amscramhick]

The last time I cut was almost four weeks ago. I made a promise to my best friends and to my boyfriend that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. And I've been happier and havent felt the need. But the past two days I've found myself staring at my scars longing for the razor, and starting to vigorously scratch my arm but stopping before I break skin. I don't want to break, but I feel I'm going to... And if I do, I don't know how I'm going to tell my boyfriend because I feel like that would be something I'd have to tell him, he knows about my past, my problems and every one of my scars that hasn't faded completely. But I feel like he'd be disappointed, or worse, leave me because I'm too much to handle. And I feel if I break and then let my friends know, because again I hate lying to them, I did it for so long and now they know about my struggles, my best friend will hurt herself like she used to.. And my other best friend has already broke the mutual promise we made, I don't want to disappoint her like she disappointed me because I care too much about these three... They're the three most important people in my life right now. The ONLY people I can turn to. I couldn't stand to disappoint them, but I have this strong urge to break apart a shaving razor and dig a blade into my skin. And I don't even know why I feel so down.. Please, how can I fight this? I can't break again.. I can't let down the people I love..

[StoppingTime]

The last time I cut was almost four weeks ago. I made a promise to my best friends and to my boyfriend that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. And I've been happier and havent felt the need. But the past two days I've found myself staring at my scars longing for the razor, and starting to vigorously scratch my arm but stopping before I break skin. I don't want to break, but I feel I'm going to... And if I do, I don't know how I'm going to tell my boyfriend because I feel like that would be something I'd have to tell him, he knows about my past, my problems and every one of my scars that hasn't faded completely.
It sucks, but the urges will be there, and it is extremely hard to control them. Remember, that this is no way an easy process. How many people who try to stop self-harming can do it in one shot, without slipping up a few times? If it all, it is an extremely low number. People make mistakes, its OK. You may slip up after a little, but so what? Does that mean you lost? No. It means you're taking small steps towards success. You will get there. Don't worry about how others may judge you if you make a mistake. They can't fully appreciate what you have had to go through. If they are the friends, and are there to help and support you, then they will understand. They won't be mad that you made a mistake. They will be there to help you through it.


But I feel like he'd be disappointed, or worse, leave me because I'm too much to handle. And I feel if I break and then let my friends know, because again I hate lying to them, I did it for so long and now they know about my struggles, my best friend will hurt herself like she used to.. And my other best friend has already broke the mutual promise we made, I don't want to disappoint her like she disappointed me because I care too much about these three... They're the three most important people in my life right now. The ONLY people I can turn to. I couldn't stand to disappoint them, but I have this strong urge to break apart a shaving razor and dig a blade into my skin. And I don't even know why I feel so down.. Please, how can I fight this? I can't break again.. I can't let down the people I love..

Again, don't worry about how they may judge you. If he really does understand you, he won't leave you. He will do anything he can to try to help you through this. And you can't blame yourself for someone else's struggles. Why would your best friend start self harming again just because you made a mistake? This shouldn't happen. When your friend broke that promise, how did you feel? You didn't want to abandon her, and leave her to try to sort throguh things hereof, right? Sure, you may have been a little disappointed, but you didn't give up on trying to help her. I'm sure if this were to happen, she would understand you, just like you understand her.
There are plenty of ways to cope, too.
Keep a journal. Write all of your feelings, down to the last detail. If you feel the urge, and you are comfortable, read your diary entry to someone you trust, and talk it out with them. Also, you could post it on a blog here too. We are always here to help. Try doing things with friends. You will bw ith them, and will have no access to a razor. Even going for a jog or drawing, writing, anything you like to clear your head helps.
Finally, there is the butterfly project.
The Rules are:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.



Good Luck, and if you need anything, we are always here to help you!
~StoppingTime/Steven

[Amaryllis]

The butterfly project isn't something that works for me because:

1. I can't think of anyone or anything I love enough to be my butterfly.
2. I can't refrain from cutting myself long enough to actually be able to draw anything on me.
3. I don't want to stop.

I really think the butterfly project would work for you, though. You have so many who care about and love you, and you love them in return. You've been so happy without your blades. Why break that now? As hypocritical as this is of me, cutting really doesn't help anyone or anything. And what have you ever done to deserve this?

They care about you. But most of all, you need to learn to care about yourself. Chin up, sweetheart. Take life by the day. You can get through this. And one day you'll be free.

[amscramhick]

The thing is, I've tried the butterfly project and it fails.. Because I know the butterflies are just marker and when I need to cut, a butterfly on my arm won't stop me. But thank you for all the support. I'm still trying and I haven't caved, I don't want to let my loved ones down.

[Amaryllis]

The thing is, I've tried the butterfly project and it fails.. Because I know the butterflies are just marker and when I need to cut, a butterfly on my arm won't stop me. But thank you for all the support. I'm still trying and I haven't caved, I don't want to let my loved ones down.

How about other alternatives? If you're angry or frustrated, scream, beat the shiz out of a pillow, stomp your feet and jump up and down or tear pieces of paper.

If you're sad, cry, read a book, do something to cheer you up, write in a journal or talk to someone.

If you're feeling numb, take a nice bath, do something you love, nap, play an instrument or sing, dance or again, talk.

You need to learn to express your feelings without taking a blade to your body. I know I'm hypocritical but I really am trying. You have people who will stand by and be there for you. It'll get easier and one day you won't need it anymore. Believe in yourself.